In dire need of advice.. feels like an emergency like everything in my head is going up in flames and there's no way to put it out.

A few weeks ago I discovered my wife had changed her password on Instagram through her email (which I'm logged in to for bills and such). First chance I got it, I looked in her DMs because (trust but verify). Of course she was talking to another guy. A friend of mine actually. A guy I introduced to her a while ago and we have all been around each other multiple times since thenin public settings (5 minutes of Alpha am I right?)

There was nothing really weird about that conversation except he is about 15 years older than us and he is a super Alpha in our social circle. I didn't say anything but about a week passes I looked through her phone again and it is basically her initiating the conversations and accepting the attention and totally loving it. What he was saying isn't even disrespectful to me or anything. But she was sending Girly-emojis and being silly and all that. Yes it hurts a lot because obviously the attention is giving her major feelz. He's def a "bad boy" and everyone knows it.

I started my RP Journey about 2 years ago and I have lost about 50 lb, gained muscle but I am still fat. I don't think I'm too unattractive. If I stood side by side with him I would be chosen by almost any girl based on appearance. But my wife knows me. I have lots of girls talking to me because I also have a higher status in the scene that I am into. I've gained A LOT of status. The guy and I get along great by obviously has no respect for me. Honestly it seems like in the conversations he is so blunt and doesn't even care that she's talking to him. But obviously that is super attractive and it bothers me because I know it is attractive to be aloof and not care about women. I give way too many fucks.

I gave so much fucks that I confronted her about it. Brought my SMV straight down to 0. The only thing that really bothered me is that she was messaging him around me and our kids and all that. But literally just friendly conversations. I thought I could trust her or maybe she would come to her senses but it seems that is not the case. Shut down completely for about a week and I think that was emotionally detaching from me. I never gave an ultimatum but I said my boundaries are I do not want disrespect of her talking to another man through social media or any way at all even though we are all friends. I said you can do what you want but I'm not okay with it. When I brought it up I was shaking and trembling and horrified of the reaction. That's where I messed up. I should have not even said anything. I didn't enforce a fucking thing. They don't chat much and all the conversations can be argued with plausible deniability. Not even really flirting or anything inappropriate. Mainly just reactions to stories and posts. I had a big barbecue at my house the other day and he was invited months ago and there was a message of her saying aren't you so excited to meet our new dog and hang out with me? Like begging for validation. That is nonexistent in my world right now from her.

I just hate the conversations. I hate her looking to another man for attention and totally stonewalling me for the past few weeks. I've gotten the talk of she feels emotional unsafe with me and is scared to share how she feels. I have definitely stonewalled her in past when she was trying to communicate something to me and went Rambo after a while. I was still getting the sex so I thought everything was great. Little did I know that I was not there for her emotionally in any sense. I know her emotions are not my job but I'm supposed to be there and be the Oak and a lot of the times I went full retard. I think I burned it to the ground myself honestly and that's what hurts so much. It is all my fault. It has been flipped around to where it is my fault and she even said yeah the conversations are exciting because i havent been there for her... her actually being overt is what is what scares me the most because brutal truth from a woman? Almost unheard of.

There is no intimacy or emotional connection at this point and I don't know if it will ever come back. We talk and laugh and giggle. Went to a few concerts and had fun like nothing ever happened...It's been a month I'm just asking the pros to please guide me through this. Should I just rip the Band-Aid off now? Should I just STFU and keep improving myself before the impending separation? I do not have finances in order and have a preteen daughter and a 15 year old son. My step son...

I am definitely having abandonment issues and I'm really scared. I thought I've grown and I thought I have changed but it was a total facade. Being strong is really hard right now and the only thing I have to look out for is my daughter. I am horrified of what is going to happen to her knowing that I am not as strong as I should be or can be.

Obviously for my family I would love for this to stay together and fix what is broken. But maybe me bringing it up to her burned it all to the ground before I had a chance to improve, if I ever could. I was getting regular sex and everything was amazing for the past couple years and I was calling the shots and she was listening and being submissive. I don't know how I did this. I don't know where I went wrong. I would hate for divorce to happen so soon. It's been a month of this and it is unbearable. Please just give me some options or a direction to at least start. The only thing going through my head is just get divorce papers right away and get it over with but that is so scary and I'm not ready for that financially or I don't even know if I'm emotionally stable enough to keep it together.

This is the most beta stuff I have ever put down and I am so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I really really thought I was doing good but I am in a whirlwind of hell and emotions. Just please please somebody take it a little easy on me tell what the best course of action is at this point.

I I knew better than to be needy or act insecure but I'm sure she can sniff the insecurity. But I'm not sitting there trying to hold her hand or get a validation kisses or beg for her to show me love or validation. I know that is super unattractive so I am avoiding stuff like that at all costs. She will still say I love you first and all the time freely.

I don't think any ultimatum would do any good so I don't want to go that route. I'm just wondering if I should work on emotionally detaching and getting everything in order. The last thing I want is a divorce but I'm not going to be shit on like this. I can't. I cannot do that to myself or my integrity. But it feels too late right now.

So if any of this makes sense, please please help me through this.

Although I have one itis from hell, there are plenty of girls that I could easily get with. I do not have abundance but I know the options are there.

The only thing I can keep thinking of is just going to get sex but it would all be for validation. I'm so horny and frustrated.

Literally the first guy to ever give her any attention she just latches on to it and pretends it's all good and nothing wrong with it. I am so confused and in a haze like how is this my fault. She told me it's my fault. It seems like gas lighting but it is my fault so that's definitely not wrong. Says she wants to work on the marriage and see where things go but that could be just to shut me up. I'm rambling now so tell me to fuck off or give me something to work with please