In laws

mrpthrowa · 2017-02-28T20:14:52+00:00

Format your fucking post.

You're deep in your wife's and her family's frame. So deep they all loath you for not being a man.

Do what's right and ignore everything else. Be cheery. "Hi how are you etc", "when will you visit", "time will tell" or "god willing" or whatever. Don't deer and justify. One mistake like "well we're on opposite coasts" or whatever establishes a new frame where you're bad and making excuses.

If your wife brings up what they want ignore her and change the subject, or AA and am as appropriate.

Be an oak for your woman if she's truly concerned, first step is not to get sucked in into her drama and emotions.

RedPillRisingFromAsh · 2017-03-01T00:18:41+00:00

why not just have her go and visit her parents (with your blessing) and you not go?

I'm sure they are more keen on seeing her anyhow and are just including you to be polite

Scurvemuch · 2017-02-28T20:48:31+00:00

Deal with this just like you deal with a PGY1 telling you the OTHER PGY1 didnt write the progress note.

"Babe, you need to handle your parents . At the best of times they aren't people I want to be around. So, no , I am not coming there unless they ask nicely. Thanks for dinner"

stonepimpletilists · 2017-02-28T20:41:00+00:00

Bout the same.

Mom is trying to use the correct choice of words to make you cater to her wishes. I guarantee she escalates to make shit up, nothing changes. Neither one are probably used to a man saying no.

Guess they will learn now. You said you will see about making time, all you have to do is stick to that and your boundary will be fine. What, they going to kidnap you and throw you on a plane?

SampsonBrass · 2017-03-01T13:47:44+00:00

How do I firmly establish these boundaries?

Nothing simpler. Your boundaries. Have them. Hold them. Don't give them up. I know what a pain in the ass demanding in-laws can be. You have to establish at the outset that it is you and her. Forsaking all others, remember?

The other thing is, you can stop giving a shit so much and stow the "empty words." Say what you mean and act as you mean to go on. I often sent my wife off to see her parents. She took the kids sometimes too, sometimes not.

It is your life and your family. Do what you want.

commit2rpoys · 2017-03-01T18:05:21+00:00

I'm curious why they're so keen to have you visit since there is apparently no love lost between you'. Is it just fot the MIL to score bitch points by manipulating her will, or possibly another reason they want to see you in person? No chance that they need a transplant and want to hit you up for a favor (/s).

I would wait until it (inevitably) arises again, and during the next phone call just level with them - along the lines of:

You know that due to my work, free time is very scarce and precious, so I spend it very carefully. If there is a particular reason you want me to visit tell me. Otherwise travelling across the country just to shoot the breeze with you isn't a priority.

Maybe I'm just a cold-hearted fucker, but even with my shitty job taking up 36 hours per week I wtill don't have time for people that bring no value. Anyone that does me wrong, even family, I have no problem cutting out of my life.

It amazes me that so many guys here can be so successful in some respects and pathetic in others. How many guys claim to manage dozens of staff, six figure salaries etc but haven't had their dick wet in months? I have no idea the life of a surgeon, but suspect that like most things in life; you gather the facts, make a decision, and get it done.

Gather the facts, make a decision, and get it done.

Olderpiller · 2017-02-28T20:15:10+00:00

Part of the structure off a marriage is that it is the husband that becomes the dominant and most respected man in a woman's life not the dad. That is why the father "gives his daughter" away. Your wife must shut down that disrespect. You handled that fine, now your wife must back you up. You deserve that respect.

HitEmWiththeHein · 2017-02-28T23:37:40+00:00

People talk to their inlaws on the phone? All information to them passes from my wife. I don't understand the need for that relationship unless you live very close to them.

SteelToeShitKicker · 2017-02-28T20:23:41+00:00

I don't care. I don't want their input or demands to leak into my life. How do I firmly establish these boundaries? Or should I, as I have been doing previously, just ignore them altogether and placate their little fits with empty words ("we will see") and act as I have, leading a great life on the opposite end of the country.

Yes. Right now, they only have the amount of influence that you give them. I'd be thrilled if my crazy inlaws lived across the country.

If you really want to stir the pot I'd also throw in some A&A for grins. "Sure, I'll ask my patients who can wait a few weeks for their heart transplant. I'm sure little Johnny can wait for the new heart..."

drty_pr · 2017-02-28T21:30:39+00:00

Throughout your whole post you talk about how to deal with everyone else's feels. What about you homie?

Can you actually make time to get out there? Do you want to? Do you get along good with FIL? What is your wife actually going to do if you don't go? Do you care?

Look in the mirror and ask yourself these questions. Then answer them from your heart of hearts. Then you make the decision for you based on the outcome you want and turn the page on it.

redmountainpill · 2017-02-28T22:10:34+00:00

I'm always amazed how you surgeons can be so assertive in the OR, yet little pussies around your wives. Goes to show the BP conditioning is widespread and powerful.

Hey man, I know the thrill of being up all night and doing a transplant. No better high in my opinion. You've found you're mission and you're living your life on your terms.

I also get the two-physician marriage. It blows for any type of stability and comfort.

As for setting the terms-- you know how you get all anal about tacro levels? And if the PA or intern misses the 2pm lab you flip your shit because now you're worried about the graft? Sure, you could check it yourself but you're an important man and you have to reconstruct a bile duct at 2. You don't care about anything else in that moment. Same with your wife-- you have your mission. You're the captain. And she's there to make sure the ship is running when you're not around.

UEMcGill · 2017-03-01T14:19:25+00:00

My dad can't walk more than 3 ft without a walker, uses a scooter to get around, yet he can get on an airplane to fly to visit me. I fly to Florida all the time, and they preboard half the fucking airplane with wheel chair people. See where I'm going?

You, and by extension your wife, are the fucking prize. "Hey MIL and FIL, you're right! We haven't seen you enough, so here's two Round trip tickets to come visit us! I work a lot, and this would be far easier on everyone so please enjoy. Can't wait to see you."

Round trip tickets from PHX to JFK (just a guess) are in the $200's right now a few weeks out.

This does two things. First it puts the ball in their court. Second it shows that you are making time. Mostly it's all on your terms. So if they balk, you can say "Hey, I tried, they said 'no'." In fact give them two sets of open ended tickets. Tell them explicitly, there is no strings attached; come anytime.

Me personally, I'd meet in a neutral place. Fly to chicago for a long weekend, or maybe NOLA, San Antonio, etc. Like I said, it would be on my terms.

In the long run, ask yourself what value do they add to our lives? and answer the question from there.

LewisCross · 2017-02-28T21:00:28+00:00

her parents pushed her towards divorce,

That's where you should have started confronting this. You have every right to sit your in laws down and tell them in no uncertain terms not to interfere in your marriage.

You also have every right (and duty and obligation) to tell your wife that she is your wife FIRST and THEN, AFTER THAT, she is her parents' adult child. (You had a problem in that your wife respected her dad more than she respected you, was closer to her dad than to you, listened more to her dad than to you, etc. That needs to stop. Wife needs to grow the fuck up and work on her obligations. More importantly, YOU need to speak up and tell your wife and live out that you're worthy of her respect and deference.)

(wife tells her everything)

you need to have a sit down with wife and tell her that what goes on in your marriage and how you choose to spend your leisure time is none of her parents' business. No, not all women tell their parents everything.

yes, she needs to respect your marriage. But more importantly, you need to be the kind of man who commands that sort of respect. She's not here for us to talk to. You are.

He said make time.

You need to assert yourself with your father in law. You are not required to do anything, least of all anything he expects or wants you to do.

How would you deal with in-laws like mine? How do I firmly establish these boundaries?

Well, that's difficult. Your wife doesn't respect you much. Your MIL even less. Your FIL doesn't respect you at all.

I'd probably tell MIL and FIL something like this:

"I love you both very much. I know things have been kind of difficult over the past years between us, and there have been problems that I've partially caused. That said, your daughter is my wife. She is now my wife, first, before she's your daughter. Her obligations to me and our family prevail over anything she does with you.

"I'll remind you of my job and the hours I work, and that we live 3000 miles apart, so it's not easy to get away. How Wife and I spend our leisure time is our business, not yours. How I spend that time is my business, not yours.

"FIL, you're out of line, demanding that I "make time" to visit you when that's very difficult, next to impossible. I know you're recuperating from a hard surgery and you miss your daughter and me. But you don't have a right to order me around and I'm not going to hear it.

"Don't interfere in our marriage. What goes on between us is not your business. It's ours, and you'll need to respect that.

"If you have something to say, say it now, because I don't intend to have this discussion again."

Be prepared for pushback. You'll need to stand on your own two feet on this.

Title	In laws
Author	MaxyRob
Upvotes	3
Comments	30
Date	February 28, 2017 7:52 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5wq1p6/in_laws/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/in-laws.206474 https://theredarchive.com/post/206474

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