Let's get to it

Agenda: Goals History What I own What I've done The future

Goals: Sex Happiness I'm a simple man

History 38 years old, she's same age. Dating since 1997 married in 2003 kids in 2014. We spent a lot of time smoking bowls, drinking, and getting our degrees which are currently, pointless. Son is 5, daughter is 2. They are fucking awesome.

What I own Career beta, actually lifetime beta. Dad was a never home drug addict child of physical abuse. Mom was someone who never thought she was worth shit ergo awesome marriage. They did the best they could but emotional damage is a thing. Me being cognizant of the cause and effect allows us to have a good relationship but I am legit fucked up. I do my best but I dislike the guy in the mirror for a variety of reasons.

I've read the sidebar. I've finished NMMNG and WISNIFG. Honestly I'm not really sure where to read next because I've had a completely dead bedroom since 2010 which is fucking brutal.

Wife has depression issues along with self esteem, etc etc etc basically she's lazy as fuck.

I work in finance and make all the mo eh she stays home surprise fucking surprise.

I am a total faggot. I succumb to shit tests like vampires to open wounds. Just last night we were in bed and my wife asked me to get her a throat lozenge. I knew from reading I should have said no get it yourself I'm not your maid but like a good beta bitch I went and got it. Disgusting.

What I've done: Read books Lifting acheived. 5'7" 210-190 on strong lifts and strict calorie counting. My goal is 165 and then see where I am. Started owning shit around the house, fixed gutters,finally organized tools, etc general handy shit I should have done since 'nam Threw away all my weed and shit No more video games Thursday and Sunday nights are mine and mine alone. There is no discussion or compromise.

The future: Real talk I have no clue. I am done with covert contracts. I am done talking about my accomplishments. At the same time I am having a hard time truly not giving a fuck. There has been no less than 3 full on shit tests in the past 2 days I completely folded on and I'm such a fag I'm not sure how to take this to the next level. I want to get to dread level 2 but I need to be able to pass shy tests to be able to do so.

Shit test 1. We're talking on the couch. Her: something something I feel bad because I asked our kids teacher twice already about something I'm worried about which is regarded Me: your being irrational and I don't want to continue this Her: tears, this is why we can't talk anymore I'm done Me: cool I'm going to bed but still apologized for being a dick the next day

Shit test 2: In bed, we're both getting over a cold Her: will you go to the hallway bathroom and get me a cough drop Me: Internally thinking no, i say ok like a fucking retard and then go to bed angry because I know I sold myself out

Shit test 3: Her: our son can't go to soccer tomorrow because of non related injury but it's our week to deliver snacks I need you to go Me: um, why me again? Her: because reasons Me: nah I'm good Her: I don't understand why I have to justify and argue to make you help the family (which is bullshit) Me. Sorry, what time you need?

Basically my question is. I clearly have relationship ptsd. How the fuck did you guys get past this? She doesnt fuck me, like ever. 0 affection and i truly mean 0. Late 30's small kids. I'm not ready To go full Kim Jong Il and nuke this, but how did you guys go about starting to build your frame? I talk a great game me in my mind but when push comes to shove I turn into a total pussy.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.