Does Oneitis ever really go away?

TehJimmyy · 2018-01-11T17:03:40+00:00

Yes, it does, once you realize what she actually did, instead of imagining the princess you thought she was.

She threw you away, Probably over smth you could have talked over and fixed. But you were too beta for her to care. Judge her like a man, imagine she's a friend who did what she did, would you stay friends with that friend?

You won't forget her, but ull see her for who she is, esp. After you meet someone who really clicks with you the way she never did or could.

It goes away brother. It goes away with a vengeance. Go lift, save and buy crypto coins and build a portfolio.

And if she ever calls, pick up. Maybe ull learn another lesson in preserving self respect.

Soderbergh · 2018-01-11T17:28:39+00:00

It’s not easy. But you can “reprogram” yourself. A lot of what I’ve seen is guys going through a phase of fucking anything that moves. Once they are done with this phase they realize the true value of women and the reality that they need to actually be all about their own mission in life.

My suggestion is fuck other women but also figure out why your brain isn’t occupied with your mission. It’s hard but you should be thinking about so many other things that will push you towards your life goals.

I always find that I just need to fuck and then shits kinda outta my system and I go back to focusing on my goals. Prevents me from any oneitis. But always happy to entertain a smart, good quality girl.

Herdsengineers · 2018-01-11T17:34:40+00:00

It goes away. Or at least changes. Being fully honest, at 42, there's a girl back from college that I had bad oneitis for. She apparently did for me but I was too scared to make a move, or otherwise too clumsy to do it right. It didn't work out, obviously.

Fast forward in time, we reconnect on FB after many years. I've been married and divorced. She's married, punch out a couple kids. Turns out her mom lives near me, and she's gonna be visiting. So we meet up for a dinner. Prior, we'd talked, and it had come out that we wanted each other, but basically both fucked it up. I hold at a boundary at not fucking married chicks, but she made the offer that night. The old chemistry was still there, strong as ever. It was hard to resit.

So I've said all that to say this - on one hand, I know the ship with her sailed a long time ago. I won't go back there, at the same time, she'll always have a little special place in the back of heart that pretty much nobody but her, me, and God know about. I don't talk to anyone about it, I have control over it, I won't ever attempt to act on it again. It's the past, and needs to stay there. But I'm honest with myself that it's there, so I can hold myself accountable and rule over it and let it rule me.

At this point, I've got a great LTR with a woman, who I adore just as much. I'm not dumb enough to do anything to fuck that up. Now, if LTR ever loses control and does something dumb (she admits to AWALT, keeps boundaries for herself so she's not in the position to do AWALT things because she recognizes the self-destructiveness of her own nature), I'll have to re-evaluate. I'm realistic about all women, and consider myself damn lucky to have found one that is realistic about herself as well.

So back to the point, oneitis either goes away, or it changes. Either way, it takes time, and honestly, one of the most powerful things to address it if it's bad enough is to change up your life. Move, new home, new job, new area, etc. Something to give a new beginning feel, start a new life. That's extreme but it can lead to some pretty awesome self growth, and I believe you don't just let of oneitis, you grow out of it one way or another.

I_STOMP_YOU · 2018-01-11T17:22:32+00:00

Yes it goes away and 6 months is a long time to be carrying it. If your plates aren't doing it for you surround yourself with higher SMV women. Even if you aren't actively gaming them, get out there and surround yourself until you realize there is way more out there besides this one girl.

Work and fitness goals are great but are you doing anything you truly have fun with? Work and gym can get monotonous and you can start the downward circle of feeling lonely and then fixating on your oneitis. Have fun, meet tons of women and keep on track with your mission. You'll get over it.

319Skew · 2018-01-11T17:37:16+00:00

Yes. It happens for some faster than others. Keep working on yourself and minimize the amount of time you spend thinking of her. Allow yourself to think about her for X amount of time a week and reduce X over time. Keep objective. She's not a flower or special snow flake. Over time your mind will start to reset. Depending on how long you were together, you get comfortable and your mind starts to equate the love the same way someone holds onto the high of being on heroin. One day you'll see her with some guy, you'll know that she's guzzling his cum and be like "meh" because by then you'll realize that she's no special person and you've got enough things in your life that make you happy and are more important to keep you busy. Just how life is.

truedemocracy3 · 2018-01-11T17:56:10+00:00

Congrats on leaving finance bro. I was in finance before moving to research. You have two types at the high levels: Introverted brainiacs who are very talented with numbers, love data. Or you get semi-smart douchers who judge themselves based on the paycheck and prestige of the bank they work for. A lot of money but everyone is miserable and more times than not pretty out of shape.

If you make a big enough salary to support yourself, do fun stuff, and still save? Then that's all that really matters. My profession I make less (still well above average for my age) but have the hours to work out every day of the week and pursue interesting hobbies/work remotely/etc. It's great

BusterVadge · 2018-01-11T18:33:56+00:00

The way I see it, oneitis is about you, and not about her. The oneitis problem may go away with her, but if you don't fix what's causing the problem it'll probably resurface with another woman.

chazthundergut · 2018-01-11T19:21:48+00:00

It really does go away. Many men on TRP have gone through what you are experiencing, and come out stronger on the other side.

You need to treat your one-itis like a drug.

Imagine that you have created extremely strong neural and hormonal responses and pathways in your brain which are connected to her. Every time you speak to her or think about her, those pathways light up and deepen. The more time spent away from her and not thinking about her, the more they fade away.

You were, in a physiological as well as emotional sense, addicted to her.

So the first step is to remove yourself from her presence, which you have. Then you remove her from social media and delete all the pictures, throw away all the memorabilia, and delete her number. This cuts out the chance for those neural pathways to light up. It also gives your mind and heart a sense of finality to the break-up, which allows yoh to let go and start opening yourself up to the next thing.

The last stage is the hardest, because it involves not thinking about her, which is difficult to control. But it does get easier. Based on your post, it seems you are taking some positive steps. Here are two important reminders:

Throw yourself into working out and achieving top physical fitness. Lift heavy. Channel your pain and sadness and heartache into pushing yourself in the gym.
Go out and meet some girls. Go catch feelings for someone else.

Over time, the connections you made to your one-itis will start to die off. And it getts easier and easier. Also, you will find another girl who captures your eye, and your brain will switch over to her. Just be careful not to get another one-itis and stay one step below her in feelings.

But yes, it will go away. Stay strong my man.

chachaChad · 2018-01-11T16:49:27+00:00

Are all the other girls you're sleeping with not enough to take your mind off her?

mental_models · 2018-01-11T18:38:18+00:00

Oneitis = obsession, sacrifice(not the good rewarding kind)

Cured = may still 'like' some of the things about the person(hopefully something attracted you in the first place beyond just randomly hooking up and falling in luv), but you would never place her ahead of yourself again.

Kennigmatic · 2018-01-11T20:28:51+00:00

Yes. It will eventually fade away.

One day you’ll wake up and shuffle through your thoughts to find that the girl you once had on a pedestal, is now just a mere insignificant memory and lesson.

Just keep doing what you’re already supposed to be doing, to improve the quality of your life.

GunnarX · 2018-01-11T20:45:10+00:00

I’m in the same boat, man. Even though I’ve messed around with girls since and am currently seeing a great woman, I’m alpha widowed by a female from last year lol.

We just have to internalize the fact that they were never truly special, we only brought out (what we perceived as) the best in them. I will repeat - you were the one that made her seem so amazing.

So this means you can vet any woman/plate to be better than your oneitus.

Oh and - she doesn’t give a fuck about you anymore and has taken (many) dicks since you’ve ended things.

ioncehadsexinapool · 2018-01-11T17:32:04+00:00

You need to go out & fuck other girls.

Self-honest · 2018-01-11T19:58:02+00:00

Write down a list of everything that you hate about her. Everything that makes her suck. She's not cool enough to obsess over.

wanderer779 · 2018-01-11T20:08:32+00:00

For me it did and I had it pretty bad at one time.

The key to this, as in so many other things, is staying rational. If you do that you'll realize that there's no "one". There's just women, some are better than others but they are replaceable, just like you are.

If you find a good girl and have a family and have 50 happy years and then one day you're sitting in your rocking chair grieving her as an old man, yeah, there's no replacing her. Until then buck up and one day, to quote don draper, it will shock you how much it never happened.

MakruraLoL · 2018-01-11T20:47:38+00:00

I have one of the worse cases of oneitis i've ever seen lol. I almost killed myself or took lethal drugs after she left. it fucked me up hard for 6 months and its still lingering 3 months after that. Lifting helped a lot, honestly it's not really about her, it's how beta I reacted to everything and how ashamed I am. But in reality i've become such a better person from it and I wouldve never swallowed the pill if she didnt leave me. Ps what weight class do you compete in

xRedStaRx · 2018-01-11T20:57:57+00:00

I say this in every thread about romantic breakups or oneitis, but the easiest two ways to do that is fucking hotter girls, and SSRI/SNRI's.

prigglytuff · 2018-01-11T20:58:52+00:00

When I get so stuck with oneitis, it happens because for some reason it hurt my ego.

chasebandz01 · 2018-01-11T21:32:23+00:00

yea it will just give it time. go fuck other girls.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2018-01-17T21:53:40+00:00

The object of your oneitis is irrelevant. Oneitis is all abut self-sabotage.

It's part of a deeper pattern of responding to conflict/distress by way of self-pity, shame, and self-sabotage.

You get past oneitis when you stop despising yourself as a reflex. You teach yourself to laugh at that little voice of Irrational Shame and self-loathing that screams in your ear like a bratty toddler trying to throw a temper tantrum.

Shame and self-loathing is a sickness.

DeathToTheZog · 2018-01-12T04:09:53+00:00

Truth is, no, not completely. Maybe for others, but for myself, I had that nagging ache years afterwards. No amount of debauchery ridded me of the pain completely, but I picked up a shit ton more bad habits along the way.

Title	Does Oneitis ever really go away?
Author	Throwaway895623456
Upvotes	17
Comments	41
Date	January 11, 2018 4:45 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/7ppdn1/does_oneitis_ever_really_go_away/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/does-oneitis-ever-really-go-away.121829 https://theredarchive.com/post/121829

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