How do I stop seeking validation from women?

NumeriusAelius · 2015-09-01T18:09:46+00:00

It may sound Laconic, but the best way to stop seeking validation from women, is to stop seeking validation from women.

Go out at night with the intention of having a good time with friends or by yourself. Girls can smell thirst and desperation like a shark senses blood in the water. If you go out seeking to just have a good time, you'll be more relaxed and women will want to be a part of that.

Also, consider day game. It sounds like you have some trouble with rejection (which is totally normal and common). If you practice just going out and talking to dozens of women a day you will inevitably fail with some. This is good. If you get used to rejection, it loses its sting. This how I got over my approach anxiety.

Now if I see a hot girl I don't get paralyzed or stricken by fear of rejection. I just think "oh, she looks interesting, I'm going to go talk to her". When I go in with the mindset of just having a conversation as the goal, it makes closing easier: a kiss or a phone number is just a bonus to my main objective of just talking.

Kim_Jong_illuminati · 2015-09-01T18:25:58+00:00

You need to realize that your worth should only be determined by yourself. Just about everything in life is subjective. At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself should be the only one that matters.

Obviously, if you are not happy with yourself then do something about it.

mrprm · 2015-09-01T18:46:26+00:00

This book has helped me a lot on that issue - http://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html

[deleted] · 2015-09-01T22:04:06+00:00

[permanently deleted]

momomotorboat · 2015-09-01T21:46:17+00:00

I think you're not just recognizing an issue, but hoping that understanding it will help you eradicate it.

The need for the validation of others is a symptom of a larger issue, likely that you don't have a strong enough sense of what your own value is. So when people have a reaction to you it has too strong an effect on you. I have been there.

When you get in touch with what your own value is, so in touch that it's vivid and clear, then the opinions of others has less of an effect on you.

What you're also forgetting is what people see in you has a great deal to do with them. You need to stop taking that shit personally. A recent TRP post talked about the arbitrary and senseless nature of rejection by random women. It could be that they had a bad day, or it's that time of the month, or their dog died, or they just had a fight with their mom, or someone took their parking space, or some other ridiculous shit.

Also remember that our lizard brain magnifies defeats but not successes so much. Hence it's way too easy to let one bad reaction stick out and ruin you. It's hard to keep it all in perspective. This helped us evade danger back when we were fighting all manner of beasts, but can be more than inconvenient when the beasts are in stilettos.

Do a good deal of learning, not just of the sidebar material but of how the brain works to your benefit as well as to your detriment. Focus on mastering the things you can control. As you move forward that way, the things that are beyond you fall more and more out of view.

homeliss · 2015-09-01T22:49:06+00:00

Talk to lots of women.

When you only know few girls, they become a precious resource and you feel afraid to lose their approval because you have so little of it.

The other less talked about reason that this will help, is that you will quickly realise that nearly every girl you talk to is boring.

Sure they still get excitement because they are pretty and get invited out everywhere, but none of that excitement is from themselves, always given by others. They are helpless.

As soon as you realise this, things will change. Your attention will feel important, so if you give it to here and she doesn't want it you'll feel relieved that you can take it back.

You will start to develop your frame. Frame doesn't just happen though, it comes from practice and experience. And with experience you'll see how your frame is always a better state than whatever a girl has going for her, and that will just strengthen it.

Old school pickup is often scorned in the red pill community, but one thing they had going for them was that they went out and practiced. 50 sets + a week. The type of abstraction and objectification they used (sets, HBs etc) also helps in the beginning in that when you objectify them in your mind, they become objects, and then the only real person left in the interaction is yourself. All thats left is you, and your own frame.

If you feel like this will help you, I think you should go for a "quantity over quality" approach and just talk to 10+ girls a day. Short interactions, but try ask any question about their lives/activities before you leave, or some sort of reflective question, or just drop a comment about something exciting you're doing, and you'll come to that realisation faster.

If you feel you could do this in your life great, go ahead, but if you haven't done it before I'd try the approach anxiety or going out alone series by Good Looking Loser for a progressive program to follow.

OneRedYear · 2015-09-02T12:08:47+00:00

I'm a bit older so I'll say this. Women are for relaxing and fucking. All I'm doing is shopping for one to relax with and fuck. I'm working on a business, buying a house, raising a kid and managing my department. If she says no, I move on. I'm just looking to relax and fuck as I got other things to do. A random woman is not as important as my job, my business, my kid. Why would I care what she thinks? All she can say is no and I'll never talk to her again. I don't care what she thinks about me because honestly it doesn't matter.

RedPillJax · 2015-09-01T20:35:57+00:00

Honestly, I sound like a broken record for throwing this at every question, but work on raising your SMV and cultivating an abundance mentality.

If you've put enough work into yourself in the gym, dressing well, having tight game, etc - you'll start to know you're hot shit. Does this come from your interactions with women? Maybe at first. After you get a little further down the road though, you just feel it inside. You know you're King Shit of Fuckoff Mountain. You're the prize. You start to feel it in your bones. It becomes your default setting.

When you get to this kind of level, you don't care if a girl rejects you. Perfect! She's a fucking idiot for not realizing what you are. It sounds like self-delusion, but when you genuinely become a prize and you know it, it's just seeing things as they really are.

That insane high you get when women accept you goes away too, but it's replaced with the amused mastery of a chess prodigy moving his pieces around the board in circles around his opponent. It's not the insane yet fleeting happiness of a rookie who wins through a fluke anymore.

Work on yourself. Work on yourself more. And then do it some more.

It will come.

bumbuff · 2015-09-01T21:33:26+00:00

Self-respect/esteem/realizing your worth.

I used to think "I'm such a dumbass" if I fuck up first contact with a woman. Now it's, "Oh well, where's the next one"

If you have enough self confidence, it'll show when you move on, and the one that you fucked up your first impression on might even become interested.

Title	How do I stop seeking validation from women?
Author	crossroads95
Upvotes	6
Comments	40
Date	September 1, 2015 5:49 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3j8veo/how_do_i_stop_seeking_validation_from_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-i-stop-seeking-validation-from-women.153271 https://theredarchive.com/post/153271

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