LTR is making me feel uncomfortable

CainPrice · 2018-10-16T14:00:21+00:00

If your girlfriend has been with you for nearly a year, then the parties she's hosting should be the kind where people bring their significant others. If you're not invited, and none of her co-workers' spouses or significant others are invited - it's just rowdy co-workers getting drunk and spending the night in compromising positions - then your girlfriend is still living and acting like she's single.

Maybe she cheats, maybe she doesn't cheat. But the issue is that your girlfriend acts like a single girl. She throws single girl parties in single girl environments. Getting drunk with your friends and spending the night at the lake house in positions that would make hooking up really easy is something single college girls do.

At this point, there's nothing to be done. She's already your girlfriend, and she's already throwing a party where she's going to get drunk with other guys and spend the night at her house with them, without you present. All with your knowledge.

She's told you the kind of girl that she is. Not maliciously - she's not trying to put one over on you or con you or trick you. She is outright telling you that she is not a girlfriend kind of girl. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's just being who she is, which is a good thing for you, not a bad thing. Girls that hide who they are are the bad ones. It's not wrong to not be girlfriend material - most girls aren't girlfriend material. I can't stress this enough: She is not doing anything wrong by not being girlfriend material. She is helping you.

Now that you know that she isn't girlfriend material, recognize where you are. You're in a "relationship" with a girl you're never going to marry. What happens next is up to you. Maybe you downgrade your girlfriend to a casual partner and move on. Maybe you stay in a relationship because the sex is easy and convenient and really good but just don't marry this one, then move on when things run their course. Whatever. It's up to you. Just recognize who you're with and what she's like and what she's good for, and enjoy your time with her. Then when things end, go enjoy your time with other women.

nabosch · 2018-10-16T14:02:38+00:00

Did she invite you? I would think an LTR would invite her boyfriend to something like this. Go and have fun, meet some new people, don't be insecure.

If you go, game her friends a bit.

If she didn't invite you.....now that's another story. Red flag.

10211799107 · 2018-10-16T16:31:20+00:00

If this was me, I would get a buddy and go somewhere for the weekend. If her party is Friday night, then fly out to Vegas for the whole weekend. Hell go alone if you have to. She already showed you what type of woman she is. What matters is the dread that you'll instill in her. Don't text her or call the whole weekend. If you cant fly somewhere like vegas, go to a different state and kust rent a place and do cool shit while there. Be vague where you are/were.

And flirt with other women. If you fuck them on your trip then good. Slowly drop your LTR

Terra501 · 2018-10-16T15:51:35+00:00

She didnt invite you? That is not neutral behavior. If you and her have been in a monogamous relationship for a year and she is suddenly doing this, that is disrespectful behavior.

Move on.

The issue here isnt that she doesnt want to be your monogamous girlfriend anymore, rather, that she pulled this move out of thin air and expects you to go along with it as though this is the new normal. Gaslighting.

atticusfinch1973 · 2018-10-16T19:46:55+00:00

You haven’t clarified why you aren’t invited? Even if it’s coworkers only, as the host she could include you.

If she doesn’t want you there then that brings up all sorts of red flags to me.

Thistimeup99 · 2018-10-16T21:09:02+00:00

Repost from wisdom elsewhere:

I have never understood why people become bf/gf when there are issues or something that you are not happy with that person and are important for either of you. For me dancing is one of my main hobbies.

Thats why there is "dating". You go out for couple months to get to know someone (in which you or her could be see seeing other people too) until one of the two decides lets make the relationship exclusive and if the other person agrees, it becomes exclusive until it ends.

Now before becoming exclusive, you need to solve all your issues. If you dont like that she dances or arrives late after the party, you dont know how to dance, etc. These things have to be addressed prior becoming exclusive.

Otherwise, its assumed that you like things as they are or you are simply a liar (you lied when you accepted things as they were, hoping to amend the contract later).

If these issues came up after becoming bf/gf. This likely mean you guys did not date enough prior to notice these issues or if she suddently started this behavior, something is not right in the relationship or she thinks is ok.

From a man point of view this is my advice to you: "never, never tell a woman, what to do or not to do". They are adults and you are not an their owner. If you do, this means you could be either controlling, insecure, jelous, etc. All these are turn off and she will resent you or leave you later.

If prior becoming bf/gf you have an issue and the talk about becoming bf/gf comes up you do this.

If its too early cause you dont know her well, tell her things are going great but you need more time.

If the time is right, you think you know her enough but you have an issue like this:

You: "btw, are you gonna keep on dancing and coming late after dancing (or dancing with other men, or smoking, or taking to your ex, etc)?

Her: "you know is just dancing..."

You: "agreed, lets keep things the way they are (meaning you are not bf/gf until she changes her behaviour) and change topic. If she is into and willling to do changes, she will tell you later and then and only then you become exclusive. But never become exclusive when issues are pressent. If she promises something and you realize later that she lied to you. Dump her, she has no integrity.

If she started salsa dancing or coming late (after you guys became bf/gf). There is posibility of an issue but nothing is guaranteed. You either dump her or become "aloof" while gathering enough evidence to dump her but again be aloof, dont let her know you are jelous or insecure of her behaviour, that way her guard will be down and it is easier for you to catch her later.

If she tells you: "hey, im gonna start dancing salsa reguraly with my friends (without you)"

You: "Great babe, im so happy for you, im also gonna start (put similar activity with the same level of potential for cheating) and I wanted to do this since long time but now that you gonna be busy some days, I can do it on those days too"

You must sound very convincing and excited about your new hobby.

If you played this right and If she is really into you, she will not do her new activity (cause she feels guilty and does not want to lose you), you also stop doing yours.

itiswr1tten · 2018-10-16T13:46:04+00:00

Stop being a faggot. If she wants to cheat you can't stop her anyway. Choose to trust her or don't. If you don't trust her, why the fuck is she your LTR?

Insecurity is for weak men

randomcaqitaLization · 2018-10-16T14:23:16+00:00

Go and be the life of the party, then nail the ltr

Retstortion · 2018-10-16T16:25:45+00:00

Dump her

boy_named_su · 2018-10-16T16:37:45+00:00

If she didn't invite you, then you need to downgrade her to plate

Did she ask you for LTR or did you ask her? How long was the wait?

flapjacksrbetter · 2018-10-16T17:05:16+00:00

Why are u questioning and worrying when u never set any boundaries in the first place boiiiii

Notreallyme001 · 2018-10-16T18:02:24+00:00

Somewhere, you lost her respect. May be a failed shit-test, or your frame cracked that one time, or she has simply plans of branch swinging. Girls are secretive creatures. Whenever a women acts so directly and blatantly, without disguising it, it means she does not give a fuck anymore.

Taking the initiate, organising a party, not inviting you, making it overnight, having alcohol, the picture does not get any more clear. Women tend to do this to "test" a man's boundaries. She's thinking: "is he really a beta, so beta that he'll let me get away with this?". This is how they tend to rationalize cheating - "my bf is a chump, I deserve better, time to branch swing".

It is similar to what we call "nuking the hamster". It's what we do to basically tell the girl explicitly what we need. What you're experiencing is the female equivalent - doing something to basically "force" you to break up with her, whereby she becomes the victim, and she is so emotionally hurt that she can justify falling into the arms of a stranger to cheat on with, which was her ultimate plan all along.

Your response, when faced with this blatant disrespect, is to first regain CONTROL. Right now, you are reacting to her party plans. Have her react to YOUR plans. That might be going on a party yourself, or texing an ex in her face (women get jealous over anything), or straight-up telling her how you actually feel (nuking the hamster). Depends on your personality which approach to take. You have to react with something equally blatant, and equally disrespectful to the relationship. The time for AA has gone, time to bring out the big guns.

Another tip - if you see her as easy sex and think "gosh, I'll just demote and chase other women", it is, in my opinion, not a good idea. It's tough plating an ex. Feels get in the way. Also, you'll get the disgusting feeling of having been cucked, and you'll know the people around you know she is a whore, and yet (at least publicly) you two are still together, which affects your reputation. IMO not worth the effort, better to find another girl from the 3.7b on Earth.

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2018-10-16T18:49:20+00:00

Go with her and have fun.

Scriptopeia · 2018-10-16T23:45:29+00:00

If there is one thing I learned from my past relationship then it's trusting your gut.

You know this weird feeling when something just doesn't feel right, but you can't explain it nor put it in words?

I have been in that exact same situation. The first months we were together she wouldn't attend any party anymore. Instead she'd either hang out with me or with her girls. Because that's what being in a relationship means: sharing your life together.

Slowly her cravings must have started to come in, because she'd ask me whether it's fine to go here and there. Promising me no alcohol and she will be with a female friend all the time.

I wasn't a fan of this obviously, but I let her go to a few events because we somewhat built some trust at that point and I always have the mindset that if she wants to cheat she will do so anyway no matter what.

Well, she later confessed that she kissed another guy.

I can already tell by how you write that you know something is off.

HurricaneHugues · 2018-10-17T00:10:13+00:00

Are you invited?

CalvinRichland · 2018-10-17T03:20:24+00:00

Why aren't you invited? Or are you

takobozu · 2018-10-17T10:35:17+00:00

dump her ass asap

Title	LTR is making me feel uncomfortable
Author	Rav_the_slav
Upvotes	7
Comments	42
Date	October 16, 2018 1:43 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9onqem/ltr_is_making_me_feel_uncomfortable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/ltr-is-making-me-feel-uncomfortable.134859 https://theredarchive.com/post/134859

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