UPDATE: Oneitis, Depression & Suicide

SisyphosOnTop · 2017-07-13T11:35:54+00:00

I took my time to write this post because your story struck a nerve. I was in a similar situation in many ways.

You have been through a lot of shit. You lost your mother to cancer while getting isolated. You became fat and unwanted. You were in deeply unrequited love. You truly know what suffering is. But in the darkest depths the stars shine the brightest. So become the immovable object. All the foundations to become a great man are laid.

You know what loneliness is. In truth, all men are but most will never fully realise it and if they do, they try to ease the pain with drugs or women.

You know what ugliness is. You will never be the self-centered jerk who was into sports all his life and was always kinda good with girls because they got the hots for his body and his sparkling green eyes. You know the other side. So you can actually appreciate the good side to its fullest. And feel compassion for the ones on the other side.

And you've lost love. For every truly great man there was always 'the one that got away'. So never forget this pain. See it as a warning.

So my only advice I can give you is this: forget her. Erase her from your life like she never existed. Become the man who you want to be and never look back.

Godspeed.

Auvergnat · 2017-07-13T12:14:04+00:00

Let me translate it for you:

"I do not find you attractive so stop hitting on me it's creepy.. but please don't judge me badly for rejecting you because I don't want people to think I am a bad person as this would hurt my status."

LewisCross · 2017-07-13T16:11:19+00:00

First, i'll translate what she said into plain language and tell you what she REALLY said in that text. Then i'll tell you why she said it and why she phrased it with "at the moment" the way she did.

Here we go.

"It's not that I didn't care, overall i do care about people and usually more than i should care which is why i'm really trying not to get attached. I'm sorry because I'm also projecting my problems onto you and its not fair for me to do that. All my life i've been taken advantage of becuase im too caring and i dont want to be taken advantage of and i know you probably wouldnt do that to me and those are my issues to take care of so im sorry. You dont deserve it an i know youve been through a lot and i know youll get through it because you seem like the type of guy who can fight for himself. I really do wish you the best and i hope you find and amazing girl who you can be with i just don't think it's me at the the moment. If you ever need to talk about anything im always a call away."

Translation:

That was some great sex we had. But you got a little clingy, i got a little attached to you, but not enough for me to care really all that much. And I'm going to send you this text because i feel really really bad about that, and sending this text and giving you some bullshit femsplanations will help me feel better. Because if i say it, it's true, and I'm being true to myself, and i love myself, and that's all that matters.

I have my life, you have yours. We had some good sex and good times. I feel validated by that good sex and attention you gave me. But now i don't need that anymore, so I'm offloading you.

I've had sex with quite a few hot guys, hotter than you, and i can't get commitment from any of them. I have some of them I'm stringing along and hope for a shot with some of them. Besides, you're far away and i can't manipulate you from that far away.

You've been through a lot which means you have issues too and i can't deal with your shit. I can barely handle my own shit. It's not me; it's you. I can't deal with a guy's issues. Guys aren't supposed to have issues; and if they do, i don't want to know about them.

You're a great guy. You just keep on being nice and being yourself and someday you're going to find a great girl who will love you just for who you are (but that is never, ever going to be me, not at this moment, that moment, or any other moment at any time). Don't call me because i won't call you back and i can't deal with anyone else's shit. I really just want a guy to be fun and exciting and drama-filled and take me on a fun emotional rollercoaster while at the same time making me feel safe and secure, and i don't think you can do that."

Epilogue:

This girl sent you that text because she knows you got hurt. And she feels bad. She hopes by explaining herself, you will believe her, and that you won't think she's a bitch, and it will help her feel better about dumping you. She does not want you to call her. She does not care how you feel. She cares how SHE feels, and she does not want to feel bad. The worst thing in the world for a woman (after being raped) is feeling bad. She doesn't care if this alleviates your pain; she cares only that it will alleviate her "feel-bad"ness.

The "at the moment" is hedging on her part. She always wants to keep that door juuuust a little bit open, for a couple of reasons: (1) so she can keep you orbiting her so you'll do shit for her if she asks; and (2) so that if the "friendship/relationship" ends, YOU will be the one who does it. That way she can blame you. Because if she has to do it, it will make her feel bad, and remember what i said up there about women feeling bad.

Women who end or cut off sexual/romantic relationships rarely do it with a clean break. They always "want to be friends" for exactly this reason. She wants you, the ex, to help her feel good (or at least less bad) about her decision. if you accept the "offer of friendship", she will feel good, and she gets an orbiter. If you reject the offer, she can point the finger at you as the bad guy. "What an ASSHOLE!! I wanted to be friends afterward, and he REJECTED me! I did everything i could to keep ties, and he WOULDN'T DO IT! BUTTHURT! SO IMMATURE!" And the reason for that extreme reaction is that your rejection of "friendship" made her feel bad.

It doesn't matter. Cut all ties with her and let her think about you whatever she wants. But, friend, that's why she did what she did, and why she sent that text.

Best to you.

Mojorisin5150 · 2017-07-13T13:34:57+00:00

Ex-gf/ oneitis of two years said the same thing to me. We can still be friends, Its just not the right time anymore blah blah blah maybe in a few years we can try again. Fuck that bitch I ain't waiting for you, I'm definitely still a little BP especially about approaching chicks, but I even know that in my days before the RP that I'm not going to be anyone's cuck. Loved her to death unfortunately, wanted to marry her, had a lot of the same interests/music, she was sexy, nice ass and tits, was a good woman, cooked, cleaned, great sex. I'm still upset about it.

I am no bitches cuck no matter how happy she makes me(and neither should you). No matter how bad I/you want her back. Luckily you didn't get to the point of thinking about putting a ring on her finger. Not to downplay the amount of shit you've been through, you are way stronger than I for being through all of that, had to work much much harder than I, and are doing really well for yourself(great job by the way), a lot of people can learn from your strength, but actually wanting to marry someone and they tell you they want the same then do a complete 180 really struck a nerve I won't ever forget. Never wanted to actually marry a chick before her. It really killed me, my confidence, and ego(not that my situation is unique I'm sure it happens all the time).

Now I just need to better myself and start approaching, still don't have the balls for that yet. Maybe after a few more months of hitting the gym, but I feel like I just keep telling myself that. I feel like if I banged a few other girls and I'd probably feel way better and you would too. Not sure if you have yet or not. If you don't feel better after that is very depressing for me.

I don't know if you would call it Incel or monk mode, but I've had multiple GFs, lost my virginity when I was 14, so I'm definitely not bad looking, but it's just not the same since I've graduated. The game is way different and I was not ready for it. Chicks came to me all throughout high school/college. Now they really don't. Hard to change when you're use to chicks chasing you and now they don't anymore.

I never really had to open before or be able to hold a conversation they just did it all themselves, so this is my struggle at this point in my life. Unfortunately I feel I'm so behind the curve being mid twenties. Wish found TRP in high school. If anyone's got some advice or you do on how you changed since you've made a complete 180 from going from zero chicks to multiple. I'd appreciate it! I was the opposite, a bunch of bitches to none(a huge blow to my confidence and ego). It's real depressing. GL with everything man, you're doing great.

justicecantakeanap · 2017-07-13T12:57:01+00:00

Do not fucking think about suicide ever again.

Disregard this woman.

Go forward man, you will be ok

CypressSmallz · 2017-07-13T15:50:26+00:00

She still wants your attention that's why she texted you. She also did it to maintain status.

Think of her as a band aid that needed to get ripped off. She was useful for awhile but became toxic and needed to be removed. You're feeling that pain of her being torn from you but once that pain goes away, the experience of learning that she wasn't what you needed will be all that's left.

Remember you make your own happiness, the idea that a woman will make you happy comes from your mothers love that you got as a child and I can tell you, chances are NO woman will ever love you like that. The day you accept that is the day you'll be a much happier men.

Men find happiness in achievement and stress/depression in idleness. If I have any advice for you keep busy all the time, your thoughts won't get in the way.

the-bro · 2017-07-13T10:45:41+00:00

Maybe it's time to next this girl and spin some more plates to get your confidence back up. It sounds like she's still playing games with you to gauge your reaction, possibly even trying to make you into an orbiter, which trust me - at that level of emotional investment from you... You really don't want that. Save yourself and your emotions by nexting this girl. Also, take a look at the sidebar - "this one girl..." I think it'll help you out alot

Sorry you're going thru this shit man, I've been there myself and it sucks. Don't do what I did and double down on her.

empatheticapathetic · 2017-07-13T14:17:24+00:00

I honestly doubt there is a game here... her angle is probably to get closure because you made her feel like a bad person lol. Feelz b4 realz.

theredpill22 · 2017-07-13T14:19:22+00:00

What games has she actually played, really?

You acknowledge in your original post that you projected all of this shit onto her.

It takes some serious strength to get back with this woman and not have oneitis again.

Wish her the best and forget about her, as a gentleman would. No reason to end it badly.

mrHappyPotatoe · 2017-07-13T15:24:57+00:00

Kill the hamster. Or it will kill you.

max_peenor · 2017-07-13T18:07:04+00:00

All my life i've been taken advantage of becuase im too caring

Why does it seem like every woman says this exact thing? Nothing is ever her fault and all other people do is take from her. In reality, it is her biological imperative to take from as many people as she can and only care about one--her child.

Title	UPDATE: Oneitis, Depression & Suicide
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	47
Date	July 13, 2017 10:03 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/6n0o8p/update_oneitis_depression_suicide/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/update-oneitis-depression-suicide.180040 https://theredarchive.com/post/180040

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