What does it mean when LTR says she needs more 'emotional support'?

Microfuzz · 2014-08-25T18:28:49+00:00

Maybe they're looking for more beta/comfort?

This is 100% what she's looking for, but don't immediately assume it's a bad thing. Think of it as another opportunity to be a leader and reaffirm your value as a partner. In fact, providing "emotional support" is essential to fulfilling your part of the LTR bargain.

/u/OccamsUsername submitted a great post on Leadership and Support in LTRs. He talks about the importance of keeping a balance between "supportive" traits and "leadership" traits.

I suggest you read the whole thing (and all of his previous posts, for that matter) but this is a great excerpt:

There are two major reward centers women have to determine value in a relationship with a man, and these are in accordance with her needs. These centers work to ascertain which masculine behaviors constitute support and which constitute leadership. There are others not included here, but just a few examples:

Support: Affection, loyalty, empathy, generosity, material means.

Leadership: Assertiveness, courage, judgment, status, social means.

Leadership and support as concepts are similar to alpha and beta, respectively. When you take a look at what makes the overall best (socially constructive) types of leaders, it is not someone with purely alpha traits, it is someone with a good deal of traits from both leadership and support categories. Given the choice, every woman wants a strong man with a soft side, but the inverse is not nearly as attractive. This is a problem in our society as it stands today.

Edit: Please bare in mind I'm not implying you put up with her silent treatment bullshit. Sometimes we can get preoccupied with eliminating any "supportive" traits for fear of being "beta". Don't get caught in this trap. Balance is key.

forgetful_storytellr · 2014-08-25T17:34:33+00:00

I found an easy trick that works for me in my current LTR situation:

She starts complaining about her bullshit. When she's finished (I'll have her cut to the chase of an excessively flowery drama story) I'll ask, "Do you want a solution, or are you just looking for moral support?"

She will usually answer the latter, in which I'll tell her OK. Then when the story's over, I'll hold a 'pause of understanding and empathy', maybe put my hand on her leg or something. Then I'll change the subject.

I'm probably 9/9 with this tactic.

masterrod · 2014-08-25T17:45:23+00:00

It could also be her feels about our changing dynamics as I refuse to get into arguments with her about anything and I stand up for myself better now.

No arguments at all.. How can you live like that?

This got me wondering though, what does a woman mean when she talks about 'emotional support'.

It means she wants to feels something heavy, or serious between the two of you. Your job is to find out why.

My wife claims it's physical affection, asking about her day and what she's doing, cheering her on and giving her positive vibes

Make her feel valued as your wife. She might say it's love & respect.

I actually do all of that stuff so I wonder if there's some covert thing going on I don't understand.

Ah she will always say more, but if you can balance it with stuff she does for you, that's ideal. Not an even balance, but uneven balance is much better.

Maybe they're looking for validation? Maybe it's just a vague personal attack to attempt to manipulate male behavior?

It doesn't ' sound like manipulation.

BluepillProfessor · 2014-08-25T20:08:40+00:00

The only reason to avoid giving comfort is because it can interfere with attraction. If attraction is not an issue why would you avoid giving comfort to your wife?

She is squealing for comfort! Why is it so hard to take her in your arms and listen thoughtfully to her problems without interrupting and trying to solve them?

Don't overanalyze yourself out of what sounds like a perfectly good marriage.

To a man "comfort" means: I want somebody to SOLVE my problems.

To a woman "comfort" means: I want somebody to LISTEN to my problems and not judge me.

PyrrhicIntent · 2014-08-25T18:30:39+00:00

It means she needs you to be more stable. Silent treatment is an emotional reaction and is not what she is looking for. You are her rock, when she comes to you with problems you LISTEN first, then you nod silently and say something like, 'yes I understand that sounds terrible.' Which you probably don't and it probably isn't but try anyway or find a new chick with better problems. When she becomes emotional and brings that to you, you agree but do not try to fix it and do not add emotion.

As you guys like to say, hold frame, be her anchor in the storm, but don't tell her its not raining outside or that you can make it go away when you can't, it just says you aren't listening. Support her by acknowledging the issue and approach it with the same light-hearted confidence you do with everything else.

leodoestheopposite · 2014-08-25T17:19:16+00:00

Part it's a shit test, part she needs more comfort like you said.

That's why it's important to select plates that have a healthy social circle of girlfriends as well as family circle, so whenever she needs that special comfort she's got female figures in her family and friends that can provide that; otherwise she'll find it in orbiters or she'll try to squeeze it out of you.

AFPJ · 2014-08-25T17:35:16+00:00

It means this is Beta Bait.

it's physical affection, asking about her day and what she's doing, cheering her on and giving her positive vibes.

Don't. Fucking. Do. This. Too much dread is recoverable - too much beta isn't. Err on the side of dread.

DrakeSaint · 2014-08-25T20:42:47+00:00

As others mentioned and explained in detail, you let her believe there's a soft side on your tough skin, and it's only shown when she's doing things right. It's like rewarding a dog for being obedient.

Repeating myself in another answer in this sub, you want to be an assertive leader, not a tyrant. This means you want her to take her opinions on your decisions, it just doesn't mean you'll follow it. It's one of the many variables. As long as it's not based on emotions, there's no reason why you shouldn't discredit it from the beginning, if it makes sense.

RojoEscarlata · 2014-08-25T16:25:05+00:00

That's one of the many phrases women use to make you feel guilty and make you apologetic, a way for them to shake your frame.

Dismiss it as the childish tantrum that is.

byronshadow · 2014-08-26T05:36:55+00:00

You were right to not give in to the silent treatment.

If she seems wound up, take her out for a drink or tell her to lace up her hiking boots because you're going to check out that trail you've been wanting to see. A woman stewing around the house being bored and emotional is very dangerous.

If she's extremely distraught you can comfort her in an way that preserves your dignity. Let her sit beside you and lean into you or rest her head in your lap. You could take the chance to divulge a secret or story from your childhood that you've never told her before. Women love feeling like they've peeled away another layer of the proverbial onion and become more intimate with you.

asd1100 · 2014-08-26T15:04:57+00:00

what does a woman mean when she talks about 'emotional support'.

what ever she wants dude, that is the whole point of this vague terminology

She bought a tampon, the tampon turn into a dildo, now she is complaining why the tampon isn't working as it should.

GunsGermsAndSteel · 2014-08-25T23:43:50+00:00

These are the ways in which I provide emotional support to my wife:

-Ask her about her day and then show that I am actively listening by asking questions, making comments etc about the stupid shit that happened at her job today (not being a dick, she would agree it's all stupid shit);

-Give her some physical affection that isn't necessarily sexual in nature;

-support her achieving her goals.

These are ways in which my wife offers me emotional support:

-does not ask me about my day at work; she knows I want to keep work and home life separate, and that discussing my workday bullshit just makes me feel like I'm reliving it;

-brings me food and drink within a couple minutes of me getting home;

-Sex several times a week or at least a blowjob;

-Reminds me verbally that she believes in me as the head of our family and knows I will take care of her and the kids.

My wife's trust and admiration mean a lot to me. My willingness to listen means a lot to her.

centennaire · 2014-08-25T18:12:31+00:00

While I don't have an answer to your question, I get the same treatment from my wife. /u/mordanus refers to this resistance as breaking the horse. We can't necessarily expect our wives to suddenly accept the "new you" without a flurry of shit tests.

I give my wife all these things too, but absolutely none of it generates tingles in my house.

mordanus · 2014-08-25T18:50:30+00:00

You need to have a conversation with your wife and explain to her that silent treatments will not be tolerated. If she wants you to be at your best she better be there herself. Do not reward her shitty behavior. The thing is she knows exactly what she was doing and by talking about emotional support she is hoping to manipulate you without taking any responsibility for her actions. She is trying to pin all of this on you. Don't let that happen.

When a woman says something vague like emotional support it just means she isn't happy with you. It means any damn thing they want it to mean. This is mostly used when they expect you to be a mind reader. If it was a more specific action of yours then you can bet they'd be harping about that.

In my opinion your wife is missing your beta you and is trying to shit test you back into that position. What you need to do is lead more. If she gives you a silent treatment tell her how shitty she is being and let her know that you are going to ignore her for as long as she acts like a child. When she realizes it isn't working for her she will make some vague comment like she did and that's when you rub it in her face about getting what she deserved and what you told her you would do. Make it about punishment for that instead of a vague ignoring her.

bertmaklinFBI · 2014-08-25T16:46:54+00:00

Ignore this. You are not her girlfriend or her mother.

lonGterMgoalS · 2014-08-25T22:03:32+00:00

How's sex? I'm not being a wise ass. When my wife says shit like this it usually means she isn't feeling wanted sexually.

She may be feeling dread. If sex is good then it's a shit test. If sex has been routine then add some aggression/dominance.

Counter423 · 2014-08-25T21:36:55+00:00

She's clingy and annoying.

Tell her to chill out.

Title	What does it mean when LTR says she needs more 'emotional support'?
Author	blarggggggggggg
Upvotes	22
Comments	30
Date	August 25, 2014 4:14 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2ejge0/what_does_it_mean_when_ltr_says_she_needs_more/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/what-does-it-mean-when-ltr-says-she-needs-more.141635 https://theredarchive.com/post/141635

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