A sedditor asked me about how to develop real confidence a few weeks ago, so I wrote this article.

Tenmagnet · 2012-09-04T15:25:21+00:00

True confidence and self esteem are about not judging yourself at all.

I really like your take on confidence, and since it doesn't really have a set definition as far as I know I would like to ask you a question: Do you think not judging yourself at all is really that good? It kinda put you in a spot where you ignore a need to change for better. Wouldn't you agree that real confidence is judging yourself constructively and then doing something about it so it doesn't bother you any more?

For example of what I mean - let's take a typical slob, a guy who is fat, lazy and doesn't care enough to not judge himself - he stays who he is. According to you he is confident in himself, but is he really attractive?

Then my take on confidence: One day he looks in the mirror, judges himself, but instead of going back to chair and doing nothing about it he changes himself - he goes to gym, gets his hygiene in order and works hard on himself until he looks in the mirror and cant see anything left to judge. Wouldn't you call that a real confidence?

Champ_In_The_Making · 2012-09-04T18:49:50+00:00

I came to this same conclusion recently and it's 100% true. A little while ago, I recently became self-conscious about something about myself, almost out of nowhere. I realized how I used to never worry about it, and how relative to my current state of mind, I used to be confident regarding this part of me. I then realized that confidence isn't something, it's nothing. It's the lack of reason to worry about something about yourself. I love the way you put it as well; if you completely stop judging yourself, you will be completely confident.

ekbowler · 2012-09-04T16:37:02+00:00

Thank you so much for this, but I have a few questions.

Whenever I try and move in on girls, I feel physically weak, my brain just freezes up, and I literally get wobbly in the knees. I've read the sidebar and have been browsing seddit for a few nights now. And while I know all of this stuff in my head, my instincts are still terrified as if I have been conditioned to be afraid around girls. How can I undo this instinct that has built up over the last twenty years of my life?

I was actually about to make a post about this, but your post caught my eye because I think that low self-esteem is really at the core of my problem.

Mr8Manhattan · 2012-09-04T16:41:26+00:00

Hmm, I like the idea of confidence being accepting who you are. But I feel like the necessity of judging yourself as a moral/responsible person is underplayed. For someone trying to be confident, it appears (and makes sense) that people immediately "go alpha", and be aggressive/deameaning etc. So it seems necessary to not underplay self assesment, because it is still a good thing.

I'm a fairly confident person, though not outgoing really. I always judge my actions, and how reasonable/viable they are/were, the thing is I don't let failing get to me. Really the best way to put it is accepting how I've acted, and emotionally disconnecting in a way to just learn. Now, I'm not saying this is what I think the person in need of confidence should do, cause I get that such things can be difficult for people. But I just want to show how one can be self-confident, without being aggressive or lacking in self-awareness.

porcupine-free · 2012-09-04T14:41:20+00:00

Thanks that puts what I've already been learning on my own succinctly, really helps to see it written in this way. Definitely keeping this page marked.

runningwithsharpie · 2012-09-04T18:38:43+00:00

I really like the central message of this article, where confidence comes from the acceptance of oneself.

My view of confidence takes on a cosmological perspective:

I believe that we, as in the entire species, are insignificant in the grander, universal schemes of things. All of our social constructions of what make someone better than the other, are ultimately inconsequential. That girl over there who thinks she's better than you? She's but the same stardust from which you are made of. That douche bag over there strutting his stuff? He's but straining his infinitesimally small ego against the universe. In a way, this cosmological way of looking at the world humbles all, including myself. Instead of accepting myself in lieu of seeking social acceptance, I seek to efface my sense of self altogether.

HelloHiHello · 2012-09-04T21:49:37+00:00

Great post.

Confidence is impossible when you're "in your head."

2012-09-05T06:36:26+00:00

One of the most logical yet elusive things I have ever come to terms with right there. There's no way for me to thank you enough for what I've just read.

Ledatru · 2012-09-04T17:07:22+00:00

Why are we making such a big deal out of confidence? It's simple. Confidence is just being sure of yourself. For example, if you've driven a truck for 10 years, you're probably pretty confident driving it. However, if you've only rode a motorcycle twice, you might not feel as confident.

Same goes with women. If you've had a lot of experience, a lot of successes... then yes of course you'll feel confident. If you've never kissed a girl, then of course you won't have any confidence.

Confidence comes from competence. It's not about judging yourself or whatever. It's just not that complicated. You can fool people into thinking you're confident but it's a lot harder to fool yourself into being confident. It's possible though (coaches pit players against scrubs to boost their confidence)

2012-09-04T18:45:36+00:00

Your argument is fundamentally flawed in assuming that not judging yourself will bring only benefits. While there are certain benefits that you yourself detailed in your article, you failed to touch upon the fact that without self-judgment it is impossible to set benchmarks for oneself and it is impossible to improve oneself in the many ways that women find men desirable.

While a buddhist monk is happy because he has undergone ego death, he is getting absolutely 0 pussy.

Aiming to seduce women and destroying one's ego are paradoxical because it is the ego that we use as a barometer for improvement.

2012-09-04T19:27:23+00:00

Great article, I'm in total agreement with everything. Another way to look at what you wrote is just being comfortable with who you are, accepting who you are, and realizing that people will recognize this and want to be apart of your life/be your friend/ get to know you. I also feel that, why would I want to pretend to be someone else in order to meet people. I want others to appreciate the person I am. Once you have self-comfort (self-confidence), the rest almost falls into place.

loki7714 · 2012-09-04T21:03:49+00:00

Your take on confidence matches up with a few books on Buddhism I've read. I like it. It seems to be similar to letting go of the ego.

batvanvaiych · 2012-09-04T21:06:46+00:00

very nice article my friend, im actually working on a nice post for the lowly guys of Reddit like myself who need help in similar fields- would you be ok with me referencing and citing this article? all appropriate credit would be yours of course :) i aint trying to infringe lol

gosling_el_operator · 2012-09-04T22:38:06+00:00

i think he that the point he makes about "focusing your attention outwards" is important. sometimes when im in an conversation or social situation where i dont feel comfortable, i tend to focus a lot on what i should say. instead i should focus on whats being said in the conversation and the rest would come naturally. Sometimes its better to react than think

BiggerLongerAndUncut · 2012-09-05T00:24:17+00:00

sorry to be nit-picky, but you should take another swipe of the erase brush behind the small text in the banner. I had to highlight "marketer" to read it.

2012-09-05T03:05:15+00:00

Holy shit, you're right.

The things I'm most confident about are the things I've just sort of stopped giving a shit about. That doesn't mean not doing the best you can, but just not self judging all the damn time.

Thanks.

kcinaz · 2012-09-05T04:18:04+00:00

Great information for anyone lacking confidence, self esteem male or female for living a better life.

Barncore · 2012-09-05T04:26:32+00:00

Great message. Good on you. :)

ekbowler · 2012-09-09T21:15:00+00:00

The advice I've gotten from your article and ikkake's comments has helped me so much, but I've ran into a problem. Christopher Titus explains it best at about 4:55 (I recommend watching the entire piece, but skip to that spot to get my point). I've gotten rid of that physical fear and wobbly knees I mentioned earlier, but now I've got that "inner retard" in my head. Every time I take a breath and try not to care my inner retard yells at me. I've tried all kinds of mental tricks to stop, but I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. Do you have any kind of advice?

chilledandy · 2012-09-04T19:11:05+00:00

Ten Magnet is a faggot who hits on really ugly chicks.

Title	A sedditor asked me about how to develop real confidence a few weeks ago, so I wrote this article.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	372
Comments	49
Date	September 4, 2012 2:03 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/zc3dr/a_sedditor_asked_me_about_how_to_develop_real/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/a-sedditor-asked-me-about-how-to-develop-real.1338619 https://theredarchive.com/post/1338619

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