Joe Is A Cool Motherf-cker

Whenever Joe talks to you, you get the distinct feeling that he’s better than you. Not because of anything he says. Just because he’s cool, you know?

You want Joe to like you, so you act cool around him. Instead of saying what you genuinely feel, you always try to think of the cool thing to say. You often decide that your first thought isn’t good enough, so you keep it to yourself and say what a cool person would say instead.

Instead of bringing up topics that genuinely interest you, you talk about whatever Joe wants to talk about… because he’d probably find your own interests a bit weird. Or just not that cool.

Whenever Joe asks you a personal question, you make a joke and refocus the conversation onto Joe as quickly as you can. Because people like talking about themselves, right?

You feel like you know Joe pretty well, so you consider him a friend.

Now say YOU’RE Joe, and the person described above is Steve.

Steve Is A Quiet Guy

You don’t mind having a chat with Steve now and then, but you always stick to small talk, because anything deeper seems to make him uncomfortable.

He’s not the easiest person to talk to because you have to do all of the work. He’s always polite and acts interested in whatever topic you bring up, sure… but he doesn’t really bring up any topics of his own, so you don’t know what he’s truly interested in.

Steve’s a good listener, in the sense that he hears what you’re saying. He smiles, nods and says, “that’s cool”, but he doesn’t really add his own opinion to the conversation. He always seems to agree with you, so you doubt whether he’s being genuine.

Sometimes he’ll make a funny comment, but it’s like he’s just trying to get a laugh, and you haven’t seen much depth to him beyond that. He seems like a smart guy but he’s never really said or asked anything that made you stop and think.

You feel like you don’t really know Steve that well, so you consider him an acquaintance.

How To Be Cool

Joe is your boss, your popular co-worker and that hot girl in your business class. He’s anyone you find intimidating. Joe pulls off “cool” by being genuine, while you pull off “wet blanket” by trying to act cool.

If you want any chance of connecting with the Joes of the world, you have to embrace your uniqueness instead of hiding it. That means you have to…

  • Bring up conversation topics that interest you, even if you think they’re weird

  • Contribute your honest opinions, even if you disagree with someone

  • Consider whether a deeper, more genuine response would serve you better than empty banter in a given situation

  • Show people that you’re comfortable sharing personal things about yourself

Those weird and uncool hobbies that you don’t like to talk about are part of what makes you interesting. The trick is being able to communicate your passion in a way that the other person can connect with.

The quirky thoughts that pop into your head, that you decide aren’t good enough to share… those are the things that make a conversation with you REAL. If you constantly censor your genuine reactions, then talking to you is like talking to a lifeless robot.

True, if you say whatever comes to mind you might say some weird shit. But that weird shit is unique to you, and that’s what people connect with. It’s authentic. Give it a go and see what happens, because trying to sound cool all the time is empty and unfulfilling.

The key to connecting with cool mother-ckers like Joe, and having them value you as a friend, is not about acting or pretending or figuring out what a cool person would say.

It’s about learning the right way to communicate the true you to the world. It’s about gradually peeling away the layers of falseness you’ve buried yourself under to try to fit in. It’s about being genuine.

Conversation Examples

Say a girl you’re interested in tells you she’s into rap music and sends you a link to a track she likes. You hate rap but you want to seem cool, because you want her to like you, so you tell her it’s a cool track.

This is a dick move on your part because now she’s going to keep sending you rap music, thinking you’re enjoying it. Thinking she’s your music discovery guru, because you like everything she sends you.

And how do you think she’s going to feel when she finds out you never liked any of it? That you didn’t have the backbone to tell her?

You don’t have to be a party pooper when expressing your opinion, like “this music is trash and I can’t believe you like it.”

You can do it like this, with a positive spin about something else, that comes from somewhere genuine.

“I’m not the biggest fan of rap. But I’m pretty sure I’d like this track more if it came with a video of you dancing to it.”

Say a work colleague gives you a compliment: “Hey man, that was a really good presentation you gave yesterday.”

You don’t really agree because you think you could’ve done a better job. And you want to act cool so you shrug off the compliment with an attempt at a joke: “Nah I sounded like Donald Trump up there.”

You’re kind of ripping people off by not accepting their compliments graciously. They’re choosing to open up a little to give you that compliment (which is a risk they don’t have to take) and they want to feel good about making you feel good. But you rob them of that afterglow when you brush off their opinion.

So even if you do disagree with your colleague’s opinion, you can still accept his compliment genuinely, like this:

“Thanks man, I really appreciate you saying that.”

You’re not saying you agree with him. But you ARE genuinely grateful for the fact that he made the effort to come and tell you, right? So tell him that and let him feel good about it.

Say you’re an aspiring musician in a band, and someone asks you a personal question, like “what you want to do with your life?”

Do you tell them you want to get famous and party all the time, to seem cool, and to deter them from digging deeper? Or do you open up about your dream of making people dance, of being your own boss, of having an outlet for your creativity… and then express your doubts as to whether it’s all possible?

You’re not risking anything with the first “cool” response, because it’s bullshit.

But the second response opens you up to their judgement, because it’s genuine. They know this. And when they see you take that risk, they feel like they can share something similar from their life, because you’ve already proved that you’ll understand.

So they’ll drop their mask too.

And if you want learn how to connect with people deeply through conversation, check out Stop Being Boring: Flex Your Interesting Muscle. It's a free 7-day email course that tells you what to say to comfortably navigate small talk and easily transition to something more interesting.