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vardarac · 2022-03-28T20:51:43+00:00

I know that quality women want to date quality men. So therefore, if no quality girls seem to find me attractive, then I must be an loser.

The thing is that humans are basically evolved to evaluate you quickly in a superficial, hunter-gatherer-on-the-savannah kind of way. What this means is that the emotions and creativity you are able to display to them in a short window suggest that what's beneath the surface is valuable.

From this you can realize two things:

That evaluation is not an accurate assessment of who you are. It's just too quick, shallow, and doesn't account for the totality of life experiences that shaped you into who you are or the experiences you might be able to yield with more time and comfort. In the days of nasty, brutish, and short prehistoric life, it might have been accurate and necessary (confidence and knowing how to have fun belie abundance; anxiety and stiffness belie scarcity and insecurity), but these days it is not.
How well you do at this is a specific subset of social skills that is by and large separate and apart from your career, values, and to some extent even your kindness and friendliness. It's a kind of marketing, really, that before the Internet you could only learn by a combination of luck, intuition, repetition, and sleazy books. Not knowing these skills doesn't make you worthless, it just means that you don't know the skill yet.

You and I, however, remain conditioned by our trauma from rejection to keep seeing things as a reflection of who we really are. We assume that it means something about us on a deep and personal level. That is just something we have to unlearn.

One good step is to start with what you think is getting you closer to smaller, more easily achievable goals and view those as successes rather than focusing on "failures", because even the most experienced and successful players get blown out or have women ghost on them.

Sketches558 · 2022-03-29T13:07:01+00:00

I just stopped thinking that way. Stopped thinking of women as a source of validation. I started thinking what if women didn't exist around me will I do this thing, will I even come to this place to hangout and if the answer is yes, I'll do it. And if no, then I wouldn't. I think this is kind of related to your question. I would ask myself do I really want to say this thing or is it just for the validation. Look at this way you're at least showing interest in a girl I'm having a hard time doing it. If I could do it I will consider it as an absolute win. That's my thing I would like to convey my attraction for a women to her, I'm not afraid of rejection but biology kicks in every time.

You probably have a job. You hit the gym. You can afford good clothes... You're working on yourself pretty well. Most of the guy's are not even doing that. They could but they have excuses.

Small win's matter.

Wish me luck guy's.... I would like to develop that courage.

djangountamed13 · 2022-03-29T07:19:20+00:00

It's just your brain manipulating you to take action. We've evolved to reproduce and you're failing at doing that. Negative emotions are based on survival instincts (check out Letting Go). So just know those feelings aren't real. Sometimes it'll seem like every girl hates you, other times they'll all love you. Shouldn't matter.

MudFlaky · 2022-03-28T20:17:56+00:00

What actions are you taking that help your attractiveness? Are you going to the gym? Working on your style? Are you setting and achieving goals?

These are what help self confidence. You can't just out-think yourself or out-think the negative thoughts. But if you're doing things that help toward it you will start to feel better

PHVEDO · 2022-03-29T12:48:53+00:00

Dont tie ur self worth to rejection.

A girl can reject you if she had a bad day or has the shits or her head hurts.

Also if u just ask her out out of the blue that signifies u are way too emotionally invested or wayy too socially uncalibrated which are both dealbreakers.

incognito3107 · 2022-03-29T08:04:42+00:00

Well, I think you should make your approaches and overall social contacts more casual. In the end, you want the girl to chase and make an effort for you, no reason to try hard and get serious about her opinion of the moment.

Sometimes you are somewhat self-sabotaging yourself, because you should look more into other aspects of your life and yourself, but you tunnel-focused into a bad gateway. Take care of your health, take care of your physical fitness, take care of your hygiene, take care of your well-being, take care of vibrancy of your life and see what will pop up.

spicy_simba · 2022-03-30T04:48:45+00:00

Hey there buddy,

This is what outcome based thinking leads to,

Doing things to be "good enough" and succeed with girls is not a healthy approach. In its essence you are doing things for purpose of getting others validation.

All self care activities you do, be it exercising or style, should be for you, for you to enjoy it and for no one else, you do it because you want to care for yourself, keep yourself healthy,

This mindset of outcome bad means am not good enough therefore i should feel bad and try harder is a trap.

We can not control what other people think of us and we should not seek to control it, its an energy drain and an emotional drain.

The mindset should be, you know you are intrinsically a great guy and that is why you take care of yourself, that is why you treat yourself well, and be kind to yourself.

A big example of being kind to oneself is learning to support yourself after a life disappointment or a rejection, instead of spiraling in blame, guilt and self criticism, you pat yourself, hug yourself, sing for yourself, make yourself laugh, sing for yourself, tell yourself you are a great guy, take yourself on a walk, tell yourself you are okey and will be okey.

When you set up goals, you do it for yourself, to challenge yourself and to to have something to look forward to and be proud of.

When you meet people, girls, the moment you seek to convince them how great of a guy you are is the moment you give them power to decide your value,

Do not seek to convince people of your value, be friendly yes, have fun yes, be flirty if you feel like it, but do not do something if you do not feel like it because "you have to", instead focus on being your genuine self because you trust that is "good enough" for you to be you.

If they like you they like you and if not then not.

Of course on top of validation from oneself, there is need for some dose of validation from others, our family and close friends are there for that. And if we feel we need some support we can rely on them.

Hedo_level2mill · 2022-03-29T20:43:02+00:00

Well now you know what women experience growing up and for much of their lives, but wear men are value is in many different things so what do you bring to the table....can you fix things? You're the hunter are u able to provide? In any case lots of money helps us be more attractive to the ladies. It's pretty much the go to. Sorry pal that's the way it is, we're losing the battle of the sexes. Best thing you can do is hit the gym and get the chiseled bod and abs that all there is to it. Unless u create some type of mysterious intriguing life what else can you do. Get some tattoos and change your wardrobe

daddysgotanew · 2022-03-28T23:51:08+00:00

Realize that if women aren’t actively chasing you; or if you aren’t having multiple new partners a month that hit you up first uninvited- you aren’t an attractive or desirable man. It’s ok, most men (95+ percent) aren’t. But it’s pointless to wish you were something that you’re never going to be, simply based on genetics. You can be relatively good looking, or even “handsome” but unless you’re top model tier looks wise you’re never going to have much success without beating your self esteem to death for it. I would know, I’m a decent looking but relatively undesirable man, and I know that based on my OLD results. It sucks because I have everything that people say matters but I’m living proof that it means nothing. I’m over 6 feet tall, I have hair so thick I have to get it cut every 2 weeks, I’m 30, white, grew up MC/UMC, am in pretty good shape, have a bachelors degree and now a job making 75K a year. I’m pretty smart and have good social skills as well. It means nothing because I don’t have an elite tier face. I’m about a 7 and I get treated like shit.

Anyone who tells you anything about how looks don’t matter is a lying piece of shit. It is ALL that matters.

You’re me dude. We don’t have “it” even if people think we do.

Either_Ad_2932 · 2022-03-29T19:20:00+00:00

Become more attractive. You do know we do everything to get laid and reproduce right? If you aren't you're failing your most basic desire. Why not work out, eat better, and replace bad habits with good ones. You probably feel like this because you Know you're not doing your best

Any-Long7082 · 2022-03-29T17:40:02+00:00

What is your purpose in life?

What are your passions / hobbies in life?

What is your support system like?

What is your occupation and income?

What is your physical build I.e buff, chubby, skinny etc?

Answer these questions and put your genuine focus and energy on the above things and the women will come to you.

When they do come to you. Continue to put your focus on the things above. Be a mountain and let her be the weather. If you are really serious about getting better listen to The Way of The Superior Man audiobook on YouTube . Feel free to skip to the chapters where it’s about women .

You got this

Title	[deleted by user]
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	37
Comments	20
Date	March 28, 2022 8:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tqi8dz/how_to_stop_tying_my_self_worth_to_how_attractive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/deleted-by-user.1263457 https://theredarchive.com/post/1263457

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