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[–]Turlast 12 points13 points14 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is why overloading on info is terrible.
[–]failatsomething 7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Can't relate. I racked up hundreds of approaches with no results and no game before I read anything on the subject.
When I then read stuff, I was able to relate it to my experiences, see what I was doing wrong, and take suggestions to alter my approach. I didn't have the anxiety anymore. I didn't fear rejection.
I recommend that approach. Even though you won't get the results you've read about.
Put the books and articles aside for a while until you've had some experiences approaching women even if disaster fail is the result.
That's one of the problems with books and online resources, especially on this subject - they promise a magic pill, but this shit takes a long time to develop the skill and mindsets to be good with women.
One thing at a time. First - having the courage to approach women.
[–]SyrusDrake 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm partially guilty of that. Haven't really read a ton of books but a lot of web content and I certainly have a lot more theoretical than practical experience. In my defense, most of the stuff dealing with approach anxiety assumes issues I don't have and is silent or brief on the ones I do have. I'm currently working on the latter with a therapist and before that's at least partially resolved, I won't be approaching anyone.
[–]Carlitos96 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Think of it as a skill.
Reading and taking advice is good,but the only way to become better is to practice.
[–]Monkey_Jerk 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah I read and watched videos for about 6-7 years only doing a few half assed indirect club approaches. Now I rarely look at the stuff and have embraced the hermit life.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
How would the answer to this question help you?
[–]saffer001 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
It would make me feel better about myself.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Think it through though. It wouldn't really help.
If you get a bunch of people telling you they weren't approaching. Congratulations! Now a bunch of you are feeling good about being in a place you don't want to be.
If you get a bunch of people telling you they approach, then you can feel like shit as you miss the point and focus on what others are doing instead of taking care of your own business.
Looking at what others did, doesn't change your life. You taking actions, does.
[–]saffer001 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I know you're right but I just can't do it. I'm 28 years old and have never done it before, it feels like a completely alien and unkown concept to me.
Let's say I get motivated enough to think about trying right? So what happens is I start to think about it and realize that I have so many problems with the whole thing that it would be pointless to even try. So I think to myself:
Then theres the things I cannot change about myself like being a manlet (5'7 on a good day) which is just the fucking worst, like 75% of women rule you out immediately without taking a second look at you and you can't do anything about it.
All this goes through my mind and then I just say: "Fuck it, let's play FarCry4 and forget about the world instead."
So you say I should take action but to me it feels like it would be like pissing in the ocean. Pointless.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
What is this "it" you think I'm talking about?
We were discussing the utility of your line of questioning. I was pointing out that it's a false comfort to ask what others have done or are doing, in this case.
Doing SOMETHING would be better. Even failing, really. We learn from failing. Gotta tell you, I have some pretty educational failures in my past. :P
Let's say I get motivated enough to think about trying.... I start to think about it (and decide) it would be pointless to even try.
The contradiction is kind of ridiculous. What if you get motivated? Then the result is that you decide it's pointless to try? Well, then you weren't motivated in the first place. Were you?
I'll do it when I get a better physique (been working out for a year now, it shows, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be)
Listen to yourself. You've been putting in all that work and made all that progress, and you're allowing your own mind to take it away from you. Why the FUCK shouldn't you get to enjoy your own progress?
And that mythical point that you someday "want to be" at? No one ever gets to those points. No one is ever satisfied.
There are girls who found you attractive before you started working out. There are girls who find you attractive now. But fuck that, I guess.
I'll do it when I get a car. Not having a car is being a fucking loser even though a decent car is fucking expensive here compared to what most people make (east europe)
LOL. You're finding a lot of ways to fuck yourself, I'll grant you that. I started having sex before I even had a car. Some of the earliest sex I had, was with someone I was getting a ride from, actually.
I'll do it when I get my own place ( I kinda do but not entirely, it's like two houses on the same cottage, my mother lives in the other house).
You're doing it again. You're rather cruel to yourself with all these expectations. (Again, for contrast, I started being sexually active when I lived with my folks. Like I didn't even have a HOUSE to myself. I had a room in a house.)
Nope. What's happening is that you are ruling YOURSELF out.
The issue is not that you need to get out there and pick-up on women. I'd actually recommend that you get out of your comfort zone socially first. Like join some new social activities. There are tons of ways to get around new people and get used to socializing with people you've never met before. Join a hash run group. Or social partner dancing. Or couchsurfing. That would be a way to start.
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Picking up women.
Well, then you weren't motivated in the first place. Were you?
That kind of motivation is pretty much as good as it gets in this department it appears.
There are girls who found you attractive before you started working out.
Well, there was one (1) girl I was with for a few months and I wasn't working out then so I can't argue with that. Still thats one girl in 21 years.
I started having sex before I even had a car.
Just world fallacy.
You're doing it again. You're rather cruel to yourself with all these expectations.
These are not my expectations it's what women expect from a man of my age.
Watched the video (I've seen many like it before) and these don't mean shit. The women give him their numbers so he fucks off finally and then ghost him.
I'd actually recommend that you get out of your comfort zone socially first. Like join some new social activities.
I'll give you this one and I've been actually trying too. I go to the gym 3 times a week. Go muay thai training too. Sometimes I go to this small art cinema and watch old classic movies. But I just end up going there alone, watching the movie and leaving and only speaking when I ask for my ticket.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I was talking about taking "action" to change your life. You'll note that I didn't suggest this action, as strange as that may seem.
This is kind of a nonsensical thought to allow to exist in your brain. You're allowing yourself to believe that deciding it's pointless, is motivation. That's truly some Orwellian shit you're doing to yourself.
You may not feel up to the task of taking certain actions, but you have control over your own thoughts.
Sounds like you've been rather rough on yourself for the last 21 years at least.
I started having sex before I even had a car. Just world fallacy.
Go on. Are you claiming that you did something wrong and you're being punished for it? Or that I'm somehow being rewarded for good actions? Or something else?
Interesting. So it's impossible to get have sex, date, or have a girlfriend if you don't have a house, car, or these other things that YOU expect you should have.
So all those guys who date while bouncing around between jobs, living at home, and struggling in general, they aren't really dating, having sex, or getting GFs. I'll be sure to reach out to my exes and those I'm dating now and tell them that they aren't real.
I'll grant you that we don't see what happens when he follows up with them. But you have to overlook a number of flirty things they did, that they didn't need to do if they were, as you say, really just trying to make him go away. Like one of the girls teased him for overlooking her when he hugged the other one.
The gym is good. Martial arts is great. And there's nothing wrong with going to the movies alone. I do it fairly often when people can't get their shit together fast enough to suit me.
But there are a ton of social groups out there. Mixed groups of men and women that are really accepting of strangers and would be easy ways to build up some social confidence and practice socializing.
Join a hash run group.
These are great if you like being active. Like hide and seek for grown-ups, in nature.
Or social partner dancing.
Salsa, Argentine tango, Lindy Hop, West coast swing. There are a lot of options and all of them help one to develop a lot of helpful skills and abilities.
Or couchsurfing.
A bunch of people who like being around travelers, and a rotating group of travelers.
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I am doing that. I think. I guess I should try to do activities where you are forced to interact with other people. In the gym people aren't there to talk and the muay thai training just sucks the life straight out of me.
You're allowing yourself to believe that deciding it's pointless, is motivation. That's truly some Orwellian shit you're doing to yourself.
By motivation what I mean is like when I read Models by Manson and thought to myself, huh I could do this I think. Of course in the end I don't do it, but still.
I do? That's news.
I'm actually 28 now. I was 21 when I first got with a girl, that lasted 5 months. Then at 23 another one, that lasted 7 months. That's all I had in 28 years. Sounds awful written down to be honest.
I mean that good things happening to one person doesn't mean those good things should or would happen to another person in the same position. The world isn't just, hence the name of this common fallacy. I'm also aware those things may have been the result of you taking action, while I remained passive, in which case I'm wrong.
Interesting. So it's impossible to get have sex, date, or have a girlfriend if you don't have a house, car, or these other things that YOU expect you should have. So all those guys who date while bouncing around between jobs, living at home, and struggling in general, they aren't really dating, having sex, or getting GFs. I'll be sure to reach out to my exes and those I'm dating now and tell them that they aren't real.
If I'm being really honest here, I wouldn't know. I don't have any friends or acquaintances, I only really talk to people at work if you don't count family and saying hi to someone in the gym. So maybe you are right.
I don't think we have those here. Never even heard this term before.
Way too self-conscious for that.
I've heard this term before and kinda know what it means but thats not really a thing around here as far as I'm aware.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I mean, it's good to get out and do things. But those activities are for yourself. I'm talking about activities that involve interacting with people.
That's not motivation. It's like a stage before motivation. Motivation is something like a hunger. Where you finally just say, FUCK it and make a change. That FUCK it part is the motivation.
Making excuses, isn't. Entertaining the idea is not either.
You may not feel up to the task of taking certain actions, but you have control over your own thoughts. I do? That's news.
Hey, I can't make you think anything. You do that. You are fighting right now to maintain your own status quo, in terms of your beliefs. This is a choice.
Do you realize how many guys here would be tearing into you for this? Some guys here would give their left nut to have been with ONE girl, let alone to have had two relationships.
The world isn't just, hence the name of this common fallacy.
Yeah, you got off track here. Let's back up. You said:
I'll do it when I get a car. Not having a car is being a fucking loser
I basically said that not having a car is not a barrier, if you try.
Of course, if you assume you don't have a chance because you don't have a car, then that's the problem. Not the lack of a car.
I've lived it. I've seen others live it. If you don't really talk to people much, then that's the reason why, more than the car or house, etc.
Join a hash run group. I don't think we have those here. Never even heard this term before.
Almost certainly nonsense. Where are you at? PM me if you want. But I've found hash run group everywhere I've looked so far. Even in a small city like Gothenburg.
Or social partner dancing. Way too self-conscious for that.
Everyone is. You take the classes and face your fears. I used to be FUCKING SCARED SHITLESS of dancing. I used to have no spine with women. Testing myself in social partner dancing is one thing I credit for my development in facing these issues and making progress in them.
Or couchsurfing. I've heard this term before and kinda know what it means but thats not really a thing around here as far as I'm aware.
I'll believe it when I see it. Like I said, PM me or just tell me the metro area where you live. You probably haven't even tried to look.
[–]GoRedBad1 point 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Hey! I've never had a car and do very well thanks!
Also I earn far less than average for my country.
And my skin is covered in scabs and spots (entire body, not just certain areas).
These things, and anything else people get insecure about, are only limiting in the sense that you place importance on them.
The other day I just looked at a girl and winked, and she was suddenly blushing and bashful around me. Other times, I might go the whole day without daring to look anyone in the eye. What's the difference? I was simply having a very good day and beamed positive energy.
I do what I can to make my days go well, and you can too:
Exercise (LIFT!), fix diet, brush your teeth, get nice clothes, save money, meditate, hydrate, sleep well (early bed, early rise), clean your house, de-clutter, un-debt.
[–]forseti_ 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Okay, here is a game:
These are 20 girls. It's totally doable. Report back tomorrow what went well, what was shit and if you maybe got a phone number.
Think about this like a video game at first you are shit and you suck, but soon you will become better. Also don't be discuraged by being shit. Many girls are really into guys who are shy but still muster up the currage to talk to them.
Okay, stop reading now. Do your hair put on some good clothes and go out on the steet. Now! You have 30 minutes from now then you need to ask the first girl for the time.
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Tomorrow? Give me a break, man. I'm working 9 to 5 and go working out afterwards.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would say 90% of the people that read all of the info and watch all of the videos are introverts. That means they gather all of the data they can before they make a move...sometimes the info gathering never reaches their check off line. You just have to push yourself to do it.
[–]Snazzy_Serval 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm in the same boat.
I've read tons of material and watched videos, but in the end I have no intention of cold approaching girls.
There has to be another way that doesn't involve going up to random girls.
What happened to meeting girls in class, at work, at the gym or anything else?
[–]UoAPUA 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
About 90% of the people shitposting about their virginity probably. Are you in charge of your life or what?
[–]saffer001 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Can't really say I am friendo, it feels like I'm just going along for the ride. I'm not a virgin but it's been years since I got some so there's that.
[–]Lukajeffski1 point 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Theres no secret answer, you just need to do it. It will be hard at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. You can't get results without taking action
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[–]Turlast 12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]failatsomething 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]SyrusDrake 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Carlitos96 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Monkey_Jerk 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 1 point2 points3 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 1 point2 points3 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]GoRedBad1 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]forseti_ 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Snazzy_Serval 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]UoAPUA 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]saffer001 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lukajeffski1 point [recovered] | Copy Link