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[–]recyclablebanthas 8 years ago [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
1
If Kacie ever breaks up with me......I'm sad we never closed
You were having something formal enough that "break up" would even make comedic sense, and you hadn't closed? I have to wonder if you weren't shooting yourself in the foot with your "humor."
It's pretty common for people to close before it ever comes close to a point where it involves a commitment.
2
I'm grateful for what she taught me; I'm not the problem......Everything I ever said to her, would be met with "Uhhhh... what do you mean?"
Sometimes what's happening in cases like this, is that something doesn't quite work for the other person, and they are subconsciously looking for an excuse/reason to break things off. They're looking for problems and often generating them by their own reaction/overreaction to things.
But at the heart of it, something just isn't fitting for them and they just don't understand what it is. But they feel guilty to say that they want to end it and don't know why. So they search for something concrete that they can point to.
This girl could be one of those situations. In which case, it wouldn't be about you or her being the problem. Sometimes you can have two awesome people come together and it just doesn't work. Often, actually.
3
I'm thankful to Kacie for teaching me that I literally have no standards for a woman's personality.... 95% of the time all those women were analyzing my personality.
We all have our own lessons to work out in life. And what happens is that we attract people who bring those lessons for us. Kacie was one of those for you.
4
I would just ignore things that killed me like girls refusing to eat seafood ever (which I love), being overtly materialistic, or being Republican. I have dated a number of women who were not terribly "Open" in psychological terms and it is probably not best for me.
Eating seafood: Come on. Lots of grills serve seafood among other options. Worst case, you go eat seafood by yourself with buddies sometimes and she lives with it. Food preference is not very high in priority on the list of life values here.
Materialism: This is more of a value that you shouldn't be compromising on because it affects your whole approach to life and a lot of the interactions you have.
Being Republican: Definitely something more substantial that you should stick to; much more of an important life value that you probably should share with someone you'd have a relationship with.
Being "open". I guess it depends on what you mean by "open." The joke about asking that friend of Kacie's to call you up if you guys ever broke up..... that was not really that funny. It was awkward. However, perennial stick in the muds are not good to be around either.
5
The hard part about being a funny guy is that everybody loves you when you hit or when you tickle their spine with dark humor but everybody HATES you when you miss. One off color joke that landed with the friends can make a girl stop answering your texts.
Look, this is something you have to explore for yourself. Sure, humor shouldn't be a problem.
But based on the one sample you've provided, and the overall pattern you've described about girls constantly being turned off and ghosting you for your "humor," it sounds like you're being awkward, kind of selfish, and a little tone deaf about your comments. It could even be possible that you have driven some girls away needlessly with your humor.
You're not a comedian who makes millions for controversial humor. It's good to self-amuse as you're doing, but at some point, if you refuse to calibrate according to your audience, it's just being stubborn and dickish.
If it keeps happening and it's not just women (be honest with yourself here), then the common thread would seem to be you. It would seem to indicate that you could calibrate yourself and your humor a little without compromising who you are.
[–]SnapSocialGuru 29 points30 points31 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This social analysis is fucking incredible. Never cease to impress, my man.
[–]itwasntme19 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
2 happened to me this summer. then I realized she was looking for and excuse to end things for a while before that. fast forward 5 months, she's texting but I'm not having it and neither should you if she ever comes in contact to you, she's probably damaged goods. find someone who matches your sense of humor or at least be able to get what a joke is without getting their feelings hurt.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
.... if she ever comes in contact to you, she's probably damaged goods.
Bear in mind that we're all mostly damaged goods in some way.
It can be so much easier to find better people to bring around, if we all acknowledge these issues in a way that sees problems in terms of how each person is contributing to a problem or how they could help, rather than trying to assign blame or be right.
Related to this is that OP even seems to see the value of at least looking into the possibility that being so controversial in his humor, if he's offending everyone sooner or later, might actually be something he could fix, rather than expecting everyone else to adapt to him, which hasn't gone so well.
[–]lazergoespewpew 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Damn dude. Your last line... Are you a therapist in life? I learned a lot reading this analysis!
[–]MartMillz 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for the extended and truly lucid responses. I think you have saved me a bit of time and money on therapy.
something formal enough that "break up" would even make comedic sense, and you hadn't closed?
It was for want of a better term. It was the talking every day stage, I don't know. I probably wasn't too far from closing but hadn't had a natural/logistical opportunity yet. Not too upset about that.
Eating seafood: Come on. Lots of grills serve seafood among other options.
Definitely true, I have just observed also that someone being a picky eater is often linked to other personality traits that are not "Open." I'm not going to tear someone to shreds over it, just an observation.
It could even be possible that you have driven some girls away needlessly with your humor.
This is true, I think it's a combination of this and professional/financial related depression/anxiety that I can't hide that drives girls away.
Your answers in 2 and 3 really resonated with me, how do you suggest one work on attracting the sort of open and crude humor loving personalities I seek?
I do often seem to be dating girls with these behavioral expectations that don't really work for me.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
____1____
:) Glad if it helped at all.
____2____
It was the talking every day stage, I don't know. I probably wasn't too far from closing but hadn't had a natural/logistical opportunity yet. Not too upset about that.
Ah. That makes sense.
I'd say, just be careful in the future about lapsing so fast into the whole Talking Every Day stage.
Maybe as GF and BF. Maybe not even then, unless you're living together.
____3____
You might try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is a method you could learn to use to rewire your own brain to prevent the constant anxiety and depression.
Thought patterns change your brain chemistry. Medication does the same thing but it doesn't change the root cause and you're often creating imbalances in your body as a result.
CBT isn't a cure all, but it's well worth checking out.
____4____
I think the overall point here would be that the answer might be a combination of:
_a_
Moderating your humor a bit if you're having issues alienating many people.
_b_
Testing people little by little.
_c_
Realizing that some of the people who wouldn't care at all or be offended by your worst humor, might have real issues and you'd be trading one set of problems for another.
_d_
Is also worth questioning how important it is to have the freedom to make funny comments that honestly come at the expense of others.
Should humor necessarily have to come at that price? Let's be real. That's the kind of humor we're talking about with the example joking about the girl's friend to look you up after the breakup.
It's humor that is based on a lack of empathy, really. That's the issue.
Can you see how it's different to compliment this girl by making a comment that includes both of them, versus this comment that kind of served as a potential wedge between those two friends?
And the fact that you had no idea that your comment would get you in trouble, indicates that you could stand to work on empathy, which would bring your game up a level anyway.
You should have had an awareness that what you said would be a problem.
____5____
I used to be a little like you. I was chafing from being around people I didn't feel like I could be myself around.
The important thing here is to seek some second opinion from decent people you know, about your humor.
Being able to self amuse is good, but we're social creatures, as humans. What good is it to self amuse if it comes at the expense of social connections that we need for our emotional health?
There has to be a balance.
[–]HappyBull 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The difference between an okay artist and a great artist is that an okay artist thinks his work is the shit. A great artist thinks all his work is shit and knows its weaknesses. This is what every single successful comedian does. Bill Cosby, Aziz Ansari, Kevin Hart etc. In their interviews they always say stuff like I've been working on this bit in my new routine." Which tells you they work hard on what they do. They critique the hell out of it on content and delivery.
So to sum up you've got to know when you delivered something horrendous where people felt awkward and learn from them. Same with types of jokes. Dirty jokes are for the bros. Dad jokes for the dads and girls. Puns for your coworkers and classmates.
Know your audience Know the content Learn from your mistakes and improve from it
This doesn't answer your question but it can influence some introspection on comedy as a whole.
[–]dohn_joeb 16 points17 points18 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Rationalizing mediocre behavior isn’t going to get you anywhere.
[–]shakaman_ 45 points46 points47 points 8 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
You're comment was out of line, and you're delusional.
"I am not willing to involve myself in an endless cycle of apologizing for who I am and what makes me happy or what I think is funny, and you shouldn't either."
Those of the words of a narcissist dickhead
[–]returnofthecityboy 8 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
I think the real narcissist would try to make her like him again (that's really at the core of this disorder). Breaking it off if you're not on the same wavelength is good. At least it's much better than dragging on with someone who doesn't get you.
[–]shakaman_ 5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's true, but I don't think those are your only options. It's pretty easy to not make jokes about breaking up with your girlfriend
[–]nycxjz 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree with this statement. You shouldn’t have said what you said. A woman’s sense of humor and a man’s sense of humor are different. Most women that I know would dislike it if their male partner said something like this. If you want to succeed with women, you should stop saying shit that offends them. Even if you think it’s really funny. Keep those jokes between you and yours guy friends.
[–]Synacku 14 points15 points16 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I mean if he really wants to find a girl who appreciates him for that type of humor then why not? Some people don't want to or are past the point of changing. If this guy likes the way he is and doesn't want to change then who cares? Maybe someone will get the jokes and enjoy his company. The comment being out of line is subjective and not fact. I know some girls that would've reacted in the way he expected. So they're definitely out there.
[–]shakaman_ 7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree with what you say, but I don't think he should want that. Whats the problem with not making certain types of jokes around certain types of people? The world doesn't revolve around any of us, it's a dickhead move to not be at least slightly malleable.
[–]Methane_superhero -1 points0 points1 point 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
"Being republican" Careful, this guy doesn't like people with opposing viewpoints
[–]MartMillz 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
It was more acceptable during the Bush/Obama years, now it's just intolerable.
[–]HappyBull 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Not exactly. A republican can still despise Trump..
[–]Methane_superhero 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
That's 50% of the population there, buck. Maybe people who disagree with you have something to tell you that you've missed.
[–]Kronicl3s 8 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Why dont you just come to terms with the facts?
[–]MartMillz -3 points-2 points-1 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That is one perspective, I wouldn't call it "the facts."
[–]GimmeSomeLiquid 4 points5 points6 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Idiot. Admit your mistakes and move the fuck on. Fucking robot.
[–]Garthanthoclops 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah don't beat women
[–]ducky27 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Poorly titled thread
[–]themissusoftheiron 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like this would be a fit for r/niceguys
[–]bubba2match2 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I think the trouble a lot of guys have with this is getting to a point where "walking away" actually means something personal to them. I think there are many ways to 'walk away', and not a lot of them are nice. The mental twist required for a nice guy to do this is akin to killing off a part of yourself. So, guys are wanting comfort in doing something what other guys (who have already done it) are saying is super easy. What I say is that the You that is truly there; has been there in the past, is there now, and will be there in the future; will never go away. You can drop any relationship, and it will be fine in the grand scheme of things. Recognize what that relationship means to you (what it represents), and acknowledge that you're not holding onto reality. You're holding onto an ideal, and that ideal is not part of your true self. A lot of funny guys have emotional issues that fuel the jokes, and what I've found is that each joke you tell contains a grain of truth that hints at the person beneath the surface. If you find people are hot when you're funny and cold when you're not, chances are they're feeling like they've been lied to by the humor. If I were you, I would consider not being funny for a while. OR... If someone starts laughing at something you said, because they expect you to be funny, point out the emotional truth behind the joke that isn't funny. In other words, beat them to the punch of seriousness. That way, you're not covering up anything with your humor. Nobody can fault you for being honest.
[–]eyes-no-eyes2 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I just ended things with this interesting girl - while we'd meet up once every few weeks and have a great time together, she would go through these insecure moods where she would accuse me of ghosting if i didn't respond to a text in a day. Recently, she started to gaslight me, so I got the fuck out of dodge. Do what's best for you, my dude.
[–]NoloRadio 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Standards are fucking great.
[–]Sotirakiss2 -3 points-2 points-1 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
why all the hate in the comments ??? there are millions upon millions of girls out there. are we supposed to shame a guy for trying to find someone that clicks with him ?? By the way congrats for your realisations....lessons learned...move on
[–]Methane_superhero 9 points10 points11 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think the idea is this subreddit is about self-improvement, but he's giving the impression that outside critique is not his problem, that he's fine the way he is, which is not a mindset that learns from feedback.
Honestly if my girlfriend said what he said I would not be impressed either. There are some lines not to cross to respect your partner or at least communicating honestly where the line is. I agree with him, except I would say with the limited information I have that he did her the favour.
[–]Sotirakiss2 -1 points0 points1 point 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
i get that but it seems that it was some sort of weird pattern with the girl he was with. Generally i see no shame in trying to find like minded people. Both in friendships or romantic relationships. For example my humour is very south-parkish. For me trying to seduce a religious or prude girl would not be a very good idea. And that is fine. That is why i think op is right here I am not advocatting that he should stay the same for all his life by the way
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[–]recyclablebanthas [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]SnapSocialGuru 29 points30 points31 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]itwasntme19 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]lazergoespewpew 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]MartMillz 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]HappyBull 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dohn_joeb 16 points17 points18 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]shakaman_ 45 points46 points47 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]returnofthecityboy [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]shakaman_ 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]nycxjz 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Synacku 14 points15 points16 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]shakaman_ 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Methane_superhero -1 points0 points1 point (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]MartMillz 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]HappyBull 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Methane_superhero 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Kronicl3s [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MartMillz -3 points-2 points-1 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]GimmeSomeLiquid 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Garthanthoclops 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ducky27 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]themissusoftheiron 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]bubba2match2 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]eyes-no-eyes2 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]NoloRadio 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Sotirakiss2 -3 points-2 points-1 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Methane_superhero 9 points10 points11 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Sotirakiss2 -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link