I passed by first because I wanted to go to the music shop and play some new basses. While I was passing, this guy actually stopped talking on his phone for a moment to compliment my shirt. I chatted with him for a bit. As I said good day to him, I noticed a girl starring at me in the coffee shop. I took that as an IOI.

So going to the music shop, It was closed because it was Sunday, decided to go back to the coffee shop to read my newly bought Bhagavad Gita and to get a cup of tea. I spotted that girl again (she was reading a book), but first I went to the counter.

I chatted with the cashier and told him to get me a random tea, I like to do this because it loosens up my mind from my established fears by welcoming the surprise. He says he'll bring it out to me, so I get the table right behind my target girl.

As I'm sitting there, I am trying to read just the first paragraph, but my thoughts are arguing with each other.

My true wants:

"Go talk to her, you know you want to, she looked at you when you were talking to that guy earlier"

My comfortable self talking:

"But you could have just as much fun just sitting here and reading your book enjoying this quite afternoon."

"Then why do you keep rereading the first sentence?"

That's when I decided to repeat a mantra of mine:

"I want to find out why I'm a afraid of this"

Plus:

"At least if I do this and fail I'll be able to finish that sentence"

Make it a win-win.

I opened with:

"What are you reading?"

Simple as that. Then I was just myself. She turned out to be a really cool person. There was even the first moment of sexual tension I've had with a girl. It really is as easy as people say it is, you let her talk and then you look into her eyes and think about giving it to her hard. And the effect to that, that was the greatest part. Her voice started to trail away in volume, it became slightly crackly. We kept up eye contact for at least 10 seconds.

She told me her friend was coming and that made me a bit nervous. Talking to one stranger was nerve racking for me, but talking to two? Shit. But just being in this situation for some reason was making me just focus on the present. So that didn't matter much to me.

When her friend came, she was a little of a tom-boy, protector, kind of spastic girl. I could tell she didn't want me there really, but I got through to her and started talking to her too. She turned out cool too. She even brought to more people in for a bit, and I was able to joke with them too. It was amazing. A year ago, I would have never dreamed of talking to 4 random people. But now it was... natural.

Well I finally told that I needed to go get my roommate off his ass and go do something, but before I left, I asked the if they wanted to exchange numbers. Asking for consent made me go "why did you do that?" but whatever, I still got their numbers, and left.

I learned that sometimes you got to just trust yourself that you have the skills to do these things. I used to spend my time planning, judging, and scrutinizing every situation trying to manipulate in a way that I could almost be omnipotent. But I think we forget sometimes that these plans we make in our heads ultimately are supposed to become actions in the end. This community was one of the pillars that have boosted my life quality by more than 10x. It's not even for the girls really. I figure those come later with your new found confidence and self-acceptance.

People probably one of the most important aspects of our lives. With the help from you guys, my friends, family, therapy, taoism, music, chinese, everything I love in my life, and myself, I was able to pull myself out of the deepest, darkest points in my life. I still get it sometimes, but it's not as bad as it was , and I can deal with it now. Thanks guys.