Guide to online dating messaging

carrotplanter · 2013-12-22T07:57:55+00:00

I've been on OkCupid for about two or so years already and I've met over a dozen girls from there. Some I'm still in touch with, others were just one-off. But I came to know each and every one of them through the use of these rules. Hopefully you'll find them useful.

0) Canned openers -- Before we go any further I want you to realize this one thing. There is power in the canned opener.

Your can is your Holy Grail. Fill it with your best lines. Simple, straight to the point. Make them blush. Make them feel ways about stuff. You don't have to come up with something original. In fact, let me give you something to start, "Where's the get to know you better button?"

That's my one template for when I don't know what to say to a girl on the first message, but I feel like impressing her somewhat, or know that I need to do something special to catch her attention. Take care of it. Treat it as if it were your own. Not all girls will appreciate it. But those who do will let you know.

1) Don't say hi/hello. Use slang instead. - This is a no-brainer. It's the default greeting and it's boring. But what else is a guy supposed to say, right? Turns out you can still say hi/hello and expect a reply from OkCupid girls, but only if you do it right. How does one do it right? By using slang.

Slang in this regard means using other words that might as well be hi/hello, but of course aren't. Examples here include "Yo," "Holla," "Sup," and "What's up?" -- and according to one of the many terrific posts on the oktrends OkCupid blog, all of these words elicit higher response rates than the simple hi/hello.

Subvert this rule - Occasionally I take the risk of sending a girl nothing but "Hello." when I look at their profile and get the feeling that they probably receive all kinds of elaborate messages from guys daily. Either I get no response or receive a "Hello. :)" back. Try it out and see what happens.

2) Say something specific. - This is simple, just take one thing from her profile, and begin a conversation based on it by sending her a message about it. Ask questions. Doubt her stories. Usually, I just quote a line from a girl's profile and follow it with something like:

 ">I decided to donate my hair... bla bla" Tell me more

And that spawns the conversation.

Sometimes, I will just make a reference to something a girl mentions. It doesn't matter whether you agree with it or not, think it's annoying or obnoxious, or whatever. Just say it. Be specific. Girls usually aren't, so even though she'll never admit it the girl you message will be thankful in the back of her mind for the fact that you actually know how to start a convo. If you're specific, there'll be a high chance she'll message you back.

Subvert this rule - Be random. Not in the dumbass spork-holding way, of course. Just say something that will seem totally out of context. I'm not saying this is a foolproof way to get a girl to message you back, just pointing out how it may be possible to *not follow the "be specific" rule.

3) Hit and run. - This I think is the last rule that needs to be written, as everything else needs context and may be more specific than a general post like this can cover. Basically, message one girl and move on to the next one as soon as possible. Don't linger and wait for an answer back. Even if she is online at the same as you are. Even if her IM icon is right there staring you in the face, telling you to "I dare you to send me a message you creepy fuck". Don't fucking do it.

Visit her profile, send her a message, and get the fuck out of there right away. Just like real life, it's a numbers game. So send messages to as many girls as possible. Even if you pick just one to send a message to out of many, there's still no point in pining for a reply at any moment. She'll respond on her own time.

They usually respond right away anyway, given they are free (they wouldn't be online if they weren't). And even though the messaging system on OkCupid sucks (seriously why can't I just click the bubble that pops up every time I get a response to read the message itself?), it'll be quick and easy to have a quick back-and-forth between two people.

P.S. Once you do get a response, always ask for the number as soon as possible. You may have to stretch out the convo you started with your first message for a bit, or you can dive right in and ask for it. You can ask for the number even if you still haven't decided to meet yet.

Sometimes I do it in under 5 messages, sometimes after 10. It depends on the way the conversation goes. But always drive it towards a point where you can comfortably ask for her number, and then do it with no hesitation.

She may give you the digits or she may decline. She may specify that she wants to spend a bit more time chatting online. In any case, always ask for it. And of course, set up a date as soon as possible as well. Be the one to decide when and where you'll meet.

Good luck!

Edit: From the OkCupid blog: "Exactly What To Say In A First Message"

tl;dr 1. Be literate 2. Avoid physical complimnts 3. Use an unusual greeting 4. Bring up specific interests 5. Be self-effacing 6. Consider becoming an atheist

Handegg-Not-Football · 2013-12-22T07:42:11+00:00

May I have a link to the gentleman's guid please?

joshsway · 2013-12-22T17:52:01+00:00

Focus on your profile not your first message if you really want to succeed. I prefer funny 1-2 liners based on something in their profile but it's your profile that is going to matter most: a one liner is mostly about not screwing up and not sending something that is obviously canned.

ajie9168 · 2013-12-22T15:05:00+00:00

Your first message should stands out from others. It can be anything as long you grab their attention.

Golden rule: dont give a fuck.

Here are some messages I have used, which I just make them up on top of my head, and surprisingly always gotten good results.

http://i.imgur.com/1ZyY5oc.png http://i.imgur.com/LLM2SYp.png http://i.imgur.com/a27KYU4.png

DirtyProjector · 2013-12-22T21:31:15+00:00

I'll tell you, there is no science. I've been on and of OkCupid for years. I've probably met... 50+ girls. Last week I went out on 3 dates in one week. Some girls I'll write one sentence to, and they respond. Some girls I'll write a really thought out creative paragraph to, and they won't. Some girls I'll write a great message to, and they respond and then disappear. Other girls I'll write a ridiculous message to, and they'll ask me out in their response. Sometimes I've written girls, and they don't respond, and then months later I'll see them again and they'll write me. I've even had girls I've written online and who have not responded, who I've subsequently met in person, and we dated.

From what I can tell, there is literally no rhyme or reason. People can give you advice, but there is no silver bullet. I think the ONLY advice that is meaningful is this: Have a thoughtful profile that reflects you and is genuine, have decent to good pictures, and don't write girls talking about your dick or saying "Hi sexy".

Oh, and also, realize that OkCupid has become a place that people join because they think they should. In my area (I live in a major city) I think most people join with little intention to meet people. So try to avoid profiles of hot girls with one or two sentences per paragraph; you'll just be frustrated.

AntixD · 2013-12-22T18:41:19+00:00

who wrote this book?

PicsOfMeForYou · 2013-12-22T18:59:26+00:00

The top comment I totally disagree with. I love love online dating. It's like being able to spy on someone before seeing them bc you get to read all the profile stuff and on okcupid you get all those questions. Even though I get lots of messages, I'm still super particular about who I answer. It's always based on having a good profile, answering lots of the canned questions, and having a fun not creepy personality.

I never answer to canned responses. You can usually tell it's a copy and paste. In fact, if I answer at all I usually asked if that's a canned response. It's weird bc it's non specific and how many other girls have you sent that to that didn't bite?

I also don't love the phone number exchange too early. I usually go to gchat or some other chat based app first. For me, I don't even want to waste my time unless I know there is a connection. It's not just getting a date.

Bottom line it's about someone you think you would connect with and just say hi how are you... I like (insert nice comment like your hair, that you ski). And ask a question. I like answering 'how has your experience been on here'. I have lots to say about that and I might answer just to chat.

Remember that guys are really visual but girls like making a connections and are more personality based when picking a partner.

Amygdaled · 2013-12-22T21:35:56+00:00

Just a little comment about commenting girls photos. I noticed a lot of guys put comments that ressemble inner dialog, very much Doge style. Like "Wow, nice hair", "Cute girl" and such. Quit doing that.

Allanhorian · 2014-02-07T05:21:21+00:00

I am a female and a member of an online dating site. when i first joined that site, i used to reply every man who text me. but it turn out that 90% of them deserve no response at all. i have to change my attitude. now i reply only to a person i feel is decent and mannered, not a liar. i don't think every women on dating site reject guys on purpose. they do it out of their safety.

Title	Guide to online dating messaging
Author	unfiltered_honesty
Upvotes	110
Comments	26
Date	December 22, 2013 4:37 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1tfx86/guide_to_online_dating_messaging/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/guide-to-online-dating-messaging.1363435 https://theredarchive.com/post/1363435

Comments