How do I secure "people who will stick around when shit happens" type of friendships?

edmhead · 2013-05-28T12:31:41+00:00

Not sure seddit is really the best place for this sort of thing, but I'll try to frame my answer appropriately:

When I look at my social circles, "real friendships" seem to occur most commonly between people with a lot of history (usually in terms of time, not extreme situations). However, I can think of a few exceptions to that; people that everyone else feels a bond with more quickly. These are the folks who are genuinely friendly and caring towards everyone.

Put differently, these are people who don't demonstrate social proof -- they ooze it.

Example 1: He actually knows almost everyone at any social gathering. This isn't because he's actually met everyone, but because he's a fantastic listener. If you're having a bad day and are venting to him and mention that your friend Joe took your out for coffee at his favorite place, Acme Cafe, over in such-and-such an area to try to cheer you up, he remembers. If you introduce him to Joe at a party, he lights up immediately and says something (true) like, "Oh, I hear you like Acme Cafe! I used to work a few blocks over from such-and-such an area and my coworkers and I would grab coffee there on Tuesdays."* Because he actively listens to people all the time, he always has things like that to say.

From the moment someone is first introduced to him, they immediately identify with him. He's the guy everyone knows.

Then, he sort of "solidifies" these superficial relationships the same way; he actually listens and pays attention to the "small talk" and as a result, doesn't need to repeat the same lame conversation topics the next time you meet him. Imagine you're tying to climb a "ladder to friendship": instead of climbing five rungs each conversation and slowly sinking back down four in between conversations, resulting in just a little progress each time, he'll fast-forward back up to where you left off. He's the sort of guy that you feel like you've known forever, even if you've only spoken a few times.

Example 2: His super-power is knowing everyone's preferences about everything. Going for food with a group of friends? He's the one that's going to remember that Alice is a vegan, Bob is lactose intolerant, Charlie needs to be home by 10 to walk his dog, Dana gets headaches easily in loud environments, etc. and then steer the conversation towards a venue that makes everyone happy. It's great; because he remembers the things that are import to you, you feel like you're important to him.

* - Disclaimer: This isn't a great example because it sounds a bit creepy. It's his skill, not mine. In reality, maybe he'd wait until such-and-such area came up naturally and then mention Acme Cafe and wait for Joe to say that he likes the place too. Maybe he'd wait for coffee to come up and then mention that one regret about switching jobs away from such-and-such area was that he doesn't get to go to Acme Cafe anymore. The point is: it doesn't matter what comes up because he'd have something topical and constructive to contribute to any conversation.

unruly_teapot · 2013-05-28T05:38:17+00:00

I usually organise for someone to get abducted, tortured and taken ransom. After a couple months I then break into the basement where they are being kept pretending I had just been abducted myself and I had been told I was going to join them. They are desperate enough to believe anything at this point and once I've cut the zip ties we break out through the vents. This combination shows confidence and the climbing through the vents is a perfect opportunity for kino. Once outside I lead them into the forest where we start our 5 mile dash through the early winter's snow. Obviously the abductors start to chase us and the plans have to adapt, this makes me come across as spontaneous and the leader. I play the intellectual card and head for the garage where a dirt bike is the obvious choice. I also happen to stumble across a double barrel shot gun, it is loaded but there isn't any extra ammo to be seen. I shoot one of the captors (blank shot and stage blood works well). It lets us build a quick lead before we have to dump the bike at a river. I kill some time and have my hired thugs burn down the house and destroy all the evidence. By the time we make it out of the forest and on to a road we don't know who we can trust but each other. The resulting friendship that develops from this encounter is really solid and well justifies the costs involved in staging such an extravagant event. Unfortunately over the last 15 years both of the friends I have made through this have ended up committing suicide but by coincidence I have ended up benefiting by consoling their grieving partner so it isn't all bad. Now days I just pay my thugs enough that they pretend to be my friends for job security, this is a lot easier as I struggle to maintain a consistent story - especially when drunk which is more often than not.

JDsInnerMonologue · 2013-05-28T03:53:22+00:00

Have other people's backs. If no one reciprocates, you suck at picking friends.

archers_scotch · 2013-05-28T05:38:28+00:00

Be the guy who has someone's else's back first.

avg2pua · 2013-05-28T10:38:27+00:00

I have loads of friends I can party with. Loads. I can't count on any of them for shit, they can't count on me for shit, and rightfully so.

The only friends I can count on, are the friends I don't party with. They're the friends I eat lunch with, they're the friends I smoke weed and play video games with, they're the friends I talk to when I have a problem about something. They're the friends I go to visit because they live in other countries. They're the friends I make dinner for, they're the friends I give snacks to. And on top of all that, they're the friends I party with too.

They're also the friends that do all these things for me.

But I don't do those things for them because they're my friends, they are my friends because we did those things for each other.

Read, and more importantly internalise, How To Win Friends and Influence People, it's a really fucking good book.

Edit: Also, just like women, I found a lot more friends when I sorted out all of my personal problems. Nobody wants to deal with your shit, male or female. You'll make more friends if you don't have shit for other people to deal with.

e.g. A guy I knew who had some pretty major personal issues started becoming part of our group. Really cool guy, but didn't know him that well and instantly he started having these long long talks with us about some of his issues and it would go on for hours. He was a lot of fun otherwise, and it's not like he was profiting off us, he really needed our help, but it got to a stage where it was so much of a hassle just to hang around with him because we didn't know if we were going to spend half of our night counselling him. We ended up just not hanging around with him as much, and I had a chat with him about why eventually. He said he knows he needs to work on his shit and he's moving forward a lot with it now, he seems much happier and has plenty of friends. Probably a little awkward to start hanging out again, but I'm glad for him.

I'm not sure how I'd react if that occurred with someone I was good friends with, but part of the reason I enjoy spending time with them, and as a result a big part of why I made them my friends is because I don't have to worry about their shit, they're all very together people. Your friends rub off on you, I don't need to be surrounded by people that will rub off their negative aspects on to me. It's not so much that I don't want to help people all the time, but that it's not attractive in a friend to need help all the time.

One thing my friends are awful for is being shitty wingmen, and that's something I've had to work out of myself, but if it was significant things that I had to deal with all the time, I'd worry about my friendship group.

2013-05-28T04:40:55+00:00

You need to have a real connection with someone. Know them on a personal level. If you find they are just part of your party crew...chances are the friendship doesn't go too deep. Sorry, I don't have more, I really don't know how to explain it.

ElementalDearth · 2013-05-28T05:12:24+00:00

It all depends on the person. Some people you will form a strong bond with and be best friends through the worst, other people are only there to party or to mooch off you. A lot of people are assholes and really don't see you as anything but something they can take advantage of. The only way to know if you have this kind of friendship is if something eventful happened like what you stated above, that's the only way to tell.

Trygle · 2013-05-28T05:35:25+00:00

Build a bond past that of just wanting to fuck them?

Generally most people reciprocate.

Rhinomeat · 2013-05-28T07:27:17+00:00

The only way to have friends is to be a friend. Emulate the qualities you are looking for in friends and talk to lots of people. You will attract like minded people to you and these are the ones you can rely upon.

Rex83 · 2013-05-28T11:31:16+00:00

Simple, do something else with them besides partying. You don't need to go through extremely eventful things together, just get to know them on another level. Talk to them about personal stuff and ask them personal questions yourselves. It's not rocket science. Have a drink together in a quiet bar or something.

AlwaysLateToThreads · 2013-05-28T13:49:33+00:00

It's really easy to get friends early in life because kids are innocent and want to play and have fun. I've known my best friend since 1st grade. The formula for a friend was simply (common interest+knowing each other for a long time)=friend.

Later in life it's harder to develop friends because people have ulterior motives. Now the formula is (common interest+knowing each other for a long time-ulterior motives)=friend.

FR05TB1T3 · 2013-05-28T20:51:44+00:00

Share personal things, that's pretty much it.

aangbob · 2013-05-28T04:32:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

urmyheartBeatStopR · 2013-05-28T05:58:35+00:00

It just happens....

I almost got into a fight and two of my wings, one is a classmate and the other is a guy I met through my class mate from the RSD community and they helped me.

I guess just hang out often and both enjoy doing the game I guess.

The fight happened cause some 6'+ Russian dude was drunk and was calling my friend and I racial slurs. We ignored it but he left and started to pick on a homeless tranny (Hollywood man...), so I got pissed and tried to stop the fucker and he bought his other two big fucking Russian friends over to start shit. Friends stepped in to stopped it. I was totally fine with kicking all three of their asses.

Title	How do I secure "people who will stick around when shit happens" type of friendships?
Author	jswk
Upvotes	17
Comments	24
Date	May 28, 2013 3:45 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1f6grc/how_do_i_secure_people_who_will_stick_around_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-secure-people-who-will-stick-around-when.1353029 https://theredarchive.com/post/1353029

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