I spent one month and a half going out almost every other day to cold approach yet all I managed was one really shy direct approach that I left right after saying the opener. I'm fucking sick of it. I know I can do better. The only benefit is that by putting myself in the situation of going out specifically to approach and not approaching, I'm better understanding whats preventing me from doing it and why its such a hard task for someone like me.

Im an overthinker. When I walk outside, my brain instantly projects what others think of me, if Ive "rocked the boat", and whats considered normal. I re-center my mind a lot, but its a temporary solution. Every time I walk towards a girl to approach, my brain goes on hyperdrive and projects how it would look like if I was watching myself from an outer perspective doing it, and then I say "fuck it, abort, abort". Like I become hyperaware of each person around and I have an inner conflict of approaching and rocking the boat, or maintaining harmony. Of being that weird fuck who stops women on the street to pick them up. The best way to describe the feeling is when youre caught commiting a crime and get handcuffed and you know its over and your heart SINKS. The approach anxiety itself is conquerable. Its the stress of being judged, especially as a shy beginner.

Ive already considered all the "worst case" scenarios, but the one I cant reconcile with, especially since Im approaching in the city I was born in is the people I knew from my past finding out. I know that its pointless to give af since they have no use to me, but the projected perspective of how they would see me as someone doing cold approach on campus and the streets is fucking with my head. Running after a random girl or walking with her and using openers and stopping them. Its like an extreme level of shame. As I imagine how I would look at them if they were doing cold approach, Im then paralyzed at the fact that I could be percieved that way. The worst part is that I had tons of opportunities when I was younger that I pussied out from but people thought I followed through with, so any perception of me being "well-adjusted" or "natural" is gone out of the door. If I was a normally shy person and already viewed as a weirdo or loser, itd be fine. Its the fact that Im viewed through this veil of being confident, fit,capable etc. And then being seen as the real shy person that I am with chicks. Its hard to explain but its like when you go from teen to adult and a lot of the safety walls you previously had are torn down without permission and you cant process it so youre living in constant anxiety. Except with cold approach and how im judged, im the one in control of tearing the wall down in order to grow, and I know I need to do it, but its like competely letting go of my outer accepted narrative of who I am. Even at a frosh party, I was giving zero fucks and having fun, and everyone around was like "who is that guy". Girls were giving tons of IOIs, and one group of girls was excited af and inviting me but I smiled at them and kept dancing because I was afraid of being exposed. One guy asked for advice on how to pick up girls which was random and he was shocked when I said I have no clue. My frosh group thought I was sad that day because a girl broke up with me. So its like being viewed as getting girls and being "on top", then being like "nope, this is who I really am". I have too much pride it seems, and my entire perception of myself is being ripped apart as I give it up.

How do you let go of that outer accepted narrative of yourself?