How fast does it take to develop adequate dating/flirting skills as a clueless beginner?

revente · 2021-03-15T19:21:24+00:00

It took me about 6 months from zero to having first gf's that i've met in clubs.

General advice is don't overestimate verbal flirting, it's just a banter that's a notch more sexual, not some type of verbal hypnosis to make uninterested girls fall with you.

Areas that are more important to focus are:

-actually improving your life in all important areas - sports, hobbies, friends, travel, fun events, career and education.

-physical escalation -no sex will ever happen without it, you may just met the girl, don't know her name and don't even speak her language and still sleep with her, but won't do that if there is no escalation.

https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/hlmra/dicarlo_escalation_ladder_concise_and_emphasized/

-leading and logistics -be in charge of them. Be the one that takes her number. Be the one who decides time, place and activity of your date and sends her details. Be the one that decides to bounce to another venue. Take her hand and lead her there.

My simple game plan is:

1st date is simple and casual -beer/coffe/ice cream + some stroll in a nice park/zoo/museum -it's good to go for a makeout in the middle of it, once you are isolated and escalated enough

2nd date -activity based fun one. Think culture like concerts/festivals and sport activities. Often depends what events are currently available.

3rd date - "hey come to my place, we're gonna see a movie" and try to seal the deal.

Particular_Visual531 · 2021-03-16T01:37:03+00:00

Lots of good advice already given. I agree that within six months you can definitely be dating regularly. It really starts with taking charge of your life. First, social anxiety, it is real, but its also only real because its you talking in your head. Its not something that is going to stop you. Whenever you think of it, say "its not an impossible wall but instead just another hill i need to climb to get to my goal." When you think other people are looking at you remember, they are all more worried about what people think of them than they are looking at me. Then take action. Start tomorrow with saying hi to people. Start working out, especially with weights get strong and gain muscle. Start going to social events. In the next few months things will start opening up again. Get your vaccine and get out to social events. Bars are built for single people, so go, sit down order a drink and ask the guy next to him his name and how was his day. Buy him a drink, enjoy learning about other peoples lifes. If you don't have a big life goal start reading about finding your purpose or passion and then daily start working toward that passion. Women want a focused determined man. Lastly, the best thing to build self confidence, self discipline and self respect is physical activity. It can start with a gym workout but i highly recommend hiking (and/or backpacking) and climbing. Set goals and conquer trails and peaks and your self confidence will swell. If you want a more detailed plan and some coaching DM me. I like helping guys be successful at dating. every guy should have the joy of looking at a cute girl and knowing she is falling crazy in love with you.

pikecat · 2021-03-16T05:02:02+00:00

Took me 10 years to go from afraid to go to a party to walking about brash and cocky, (not purposefully, I didn't know I'd changed) and having lots of girls want me. Now, there is no need to go that far. I did not set out get girls, just to be more sociable. By that time all of the right words were coming out of my mouth before I knew what they were. Self consciousness is your enemy. Hot girls are just normal, sometimes they're pissed that they get treated differently. When you get experienced you can gauge a girl's character and experience level and act appropriately. But you can fumble into a relationship long before that, in fact it's a prerequisite.

I just want to let you know that it can be done.

But it takes dedication.

I watched almost no TV, no games and no computer time, except school/work. I worked a lot though. You start out doing hard, seemingly scary things, but it gets easier quick.

I specifically set out to do this but I had no help, no advice and no reading. I did it all on my own. This place does have a lot of useful advice, but it's quite academic, there is very little on empirical trials. The only way to get better is to go out and do it. That's why it's so hard to start. Others said some on this.

The first thing that you need to know is that nobody is thinking about you. That's your self doubt manifesting itself. Nobody thinks anything about you, any more than they do about a parked car. People generally think that a random person is like them, if they think anything, unless the thinker is not normal. The sooner that you internalise this, the easier everything will be.

The one thing that I didn't do was to start working out at the beginning. This is very important. Lift weights. Not to get big muscles, which won't hurt, but it will increase confidence. It will also give you a task do a schedule to keep, also important. The sooner you start, the better. No amount of thinking will improve you, in fact the less you think, the better. Action and practice.

All I can think of for now.

TheLuckyDay · 2021-03-15T19:19:30+00:00

Well first things first, you need to create a friend group. What interests do you have?? Do you enjoy sports, board games, hiking?? Try something like meetup.com or if your in college try joining some clubs. Girls will find it weird if you don't have a solid friend base, and having one will prevent you from getting too obsessed with one girl and over-texting/calling them.

Don't be afraid to go alone to these events that you will find fun. I've met many of my best friends going to raves alone. Once you have a solid friend base and feel ready to make some things happen, you need to get over your fear of rejection.

Go out with the goal of getting rejected. Any time your out and about and find someone you'd like to get to know better, go up to them and try to get their number. How you do it doesn't matter, just get used to being told no. Once you've been rejected a few times, you'll realize it's really not so bad. Keep in mind a few places you would like to take a girl out for a first date. Once you do end up getting a number, go ahead and ask them out to whatever place you had in mind.

Don't worry too much about these ideas of waiting three days or whatever, these days girls know all about that rule and can see through it. Just do whatever feels right to you. Go out on these dates with the mindset of trying to have fun, and seeing if you like this girl rather than if the girl likes you. You'll probably be nervous and mess up your first couple of dates, but once you go on a few you can take note of what worked and what didn't work. Of course there is no one size fits all, as women are individuals and have preferences. If you want something serious or long term, don't focus on changing or presenting yourself too differently as there's no point in getting into something where they don't like the real you.

If you're just looking to get laid, then go ahead and put on whatever persona you find works best. As a good rule of them when on these dates make sure you're listening more than your talking. The conversation doesn't necessarily have to be amazing for her to find you interesting, as people love talking about themselves. Have a few starter questions, doesn't have to be anything fancy, just stuff like "what do you like to do for fun?", "types of music you listen to" etc. The key here is to listen to their response, and go off of that. If they like rock climbing, ask them more about that. Where do they like to climb, free or assisted, etc.

If a girl likes you they'll make the conversation easy and give you stuff to work with. As you get to know the person you can start to get deeper and ask more serious/fun questions. Such as asking about stories of the craziest thing they did, most embarrassing memory, wildest sex they had, etc. These kinds of questions will show that you're interested in them as a person, and can establish a sense of intimacy as some of their best friends may not even know these stories.

Make sure that you establish and break the touch barrier relatively soon, at the very least by the second but preferably by the first date. That is the main difference between friends and lovers, physical intimacy. Start off small, talk with your hands. Touch her shoulder or lower back when emphasizing a point. Take her hand and compliment a ring she's wearing. Stand closer to her than you normally would a friend, and take not of how she reacts. If she moves away well try building more of a rapport and trying again later.

If she doesn't shy away or move back from your touches this is a good sign, and means your ok to escalate. Leave your hand lingering just a bit longer, maybe go for holding her hand, if she's ok with that, then go for the kiss. The worst that can happen is she says no. Now if she says no, respect that. Sometimes that will mean no as in never, or it will mean no not right now. That's up to you to tell from the interaction.

Be prepared to be rejected and have awkward dates/ interactions. Go into with the mindset of just trying to have fun and meet people. Work on yourself and establish a friend group, and what you would consider an interesting life that women would like to be a part of. Best of luck to you friend :)

2021-03-15T20:41:00+00:00

get (metaphorically) punched in the face enough times to where your social anxiety doesn't affect you anymore. reference experiences. "nothing bad happened in those last ten rejections. i'm not afraid of it happening again."

people always talk about how good of a feeling it is when they push through their approach regardless of how anxious they are, and get rejected

all of my personal growth came from life completely shitting on me. and what other people said, get the fundamentals relatively in order before bringing women into your life

techaddicted · 2021-03-16T12:01:47+00:00

Dude, you sound like me 4 months ago and somewhat today (29m btw).

I also fear rejection and feel like I am not worthy of them. I was at a point where I thought that no matter what I do (job, social life), I will fail miserably and will die alone. I was nearly on the edge to ending it all.

Trust me, you are worth the love of other people!

And besides that, I don't know you, but I can say you sound like an awesome dude that I would hang out with.

Some tips that helped me to develop a more neutral point of view of this shitty situation:

Read the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It helps you to understand your anxiety and fears much better and in a neutral way. You might think you don't want to, but trust me, you do. It will help you ride the anxiety wave better.
Download the App "Mindshift" and do the "Feeling check-in" and the "Thought Journal". It helps you to track your mood and progress and the thought journal helps you to break out of the circle of relapsing into the same thought pattern that you might have by providing you with quick access to your already worked through thoughts. 2 weeks ago, I was so down, always on the edge of breaking down. Doing these exercise, I am genuinely happy despite still thinking about being alone.
Read the book "Social Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. You learn why certain situations are the way they are and why some thoughts happen the way they are.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT read books about dating! If you are somewhat like me, you will relapse so hard and have a mental breakdown.
Write down your desire why you want to meet people and a girl on your side. I noticed that I like people despite having social anxiety. I might not be the conversation starter, but I can steer the conversation into a direction in which I also have something to say. I also noticed that I indeed want to be a loving husband and loving father. If you would have asked me last year, there was no freaking way that I would like to have kids. They are so noise! But seeing and playing with the kids of my cousins, it opened up something in my heart that also wants tiny humans that I can call mine. That the most important thing in live is not my professional career for which worked so hard, but to be a caring and loving person. The career thing is a nice bonus, but that's not the main part, it does not define me.
Be open. Be open for people. Be open for topics that you might not like. Read a book that would you normally not even touch. I did not like psychology books or books about stage plays. But guess what? I love these topics so much now!
Look at girls in a neutral way. They are also just humans! They have their failures, they have their thoughts, their anxiety's, their desires and dreams. Maybe someone that you have a crush on is also just anxious. Get to know them, talk to them about whatever. If you don't know what to talk about or you are anxious about what to say: Be open and say something like "I want to get to know you better, I am fascinated by you, but I need some time to warm up with people. What is a topic that fascinate you? I like to listen."
Do not wait for the "perfect moment". It does not exist. Go ahead with your plan of talking to a girl. The perfect moment is the moment you are in.
It (nearly) does not matter what you say. If she likes you, she will not care what you say for the most part. Everyone is anxious in the first moments, you just need to handle it somewhat good.
Be brave. Just do talk to girls. See it as an experiment.
Pursue your goals. Don't talk you into "I will do it, buuuut there is something that hinders me...” NO! Just do it.

You can do this, okay? I believe in you!

Vinniikii · 2021-03-15T19:17:25+00:00

Hard but doable. Self doubt can be conquered and social skills can be learned.

Hard because you will need to be patient and humble.

Doable because even today, no man is completely outside of reach.

My advice is to spend the next few years developing a hobby and masculine friends. It will be hard depending on how misandrist your milieu is. But this base is vital. As described, no women will even talk to you or let you into their society. Tough to read but it has little to do with you. There are too many men already, it is easy to only let the ones with social skills in.

Catch-22; how can you learn social skills when socially excluded? Hard work, humbling work. But it will be start of outward looking.

In general, masculine society will be strongest the closest to hard work. Ideally you want to be there, find something you enjoy working on.

Crypt0JAy · 2021-03-15T22:56:11+00:00

Quickly. Be bold asfk. Go up to hot women and tell them they're hot . See what happens. Do not call them exotic or mention race at all.

Jhadiro · 2021-03-16T01:23:36+00:00

The only way to get good at something is to obsess over it. So learn all the things, read all the books.

Most importantly put in the work and practice. Push yourself like you've never done before. You'll be a master of your art in no time.

Professional_Dog5574 · 2021-03-16T00:29:26+00:00

22 your maddddd young dont pressure yourself so much. If anything work on social skills that would help you become more confident when you speak to anybody not just women. It doesn’t take long you can become good at it before the summer

iron_ee · 2021-03-16T05:44:30+00:00

you wont know until you do it

somestupidelf · 2021-03-16T10:11:30+00:00

Why don't you stop procrastinating and just pick something to get better at. Don't do it all at once, but don't ask questions if you already got shit to work on

ScrmbldEkz · 2021-03-16T10:16:16+00:00

If you are actively looking for a girlfriend, there's the danger of finding a girl and only wanting a relationship with her just because you want a girlfriend and not because you like the girl. However, if you go out more, the chance you'll find the right girl for you is obviously higher. Therefore I would say, go looking for fun, but not for a girlfriend.

2021-03-16T13:18:41+00:00

It's just about doing it. It's not time it's experience. Just try and don't take rejections personally. Just go up to a girl and start interacting with confidence. That's it.

Girls are everywhere just go and get experienced any and everywhere.

PondScum420 · 2021-03-16T18:24:33+00:00

Short and sweet advice here. Practice socializing in general. Speaking clearly, projecting voice, confidence etc. Get better at talking to peers, old men, women you aren’t attracted to, your neighbors, random people at the store. It will translate to seduction.

Title	How fast does it take to develop adequate dating/flirting skills as a clueless beginner?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	45
Comments	26
Date	March 15, 2021 6:17 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/m5r2y2/how_fast_does_it_take_to_develop_adequate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-fast-does-it-take-to-develop-adequate.1511148 https://theredarchive.com/post/1511148

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