I think I am lacking completely in self awareness, and it's killing me inside. I think that the image that I have of myself is completely different from the image other people have of me.

kazrael02 · 2014-11-29T08:03:59+00:00

People mature as they get older.

By the time you're in college, if being 'cool', or appearing so is important to you, you'll seem less and less so in the eyes of your peers.

Be a good person. Don't be a dick to anyone, help people when you can. Work hard, and be passionate about whatever you decide to do with your life.

Don't worry so much about how you appear to others. Treat people with sincerity and honesty. Be the kind of person you would want as a friend and a lover.

If you fancy a gal, go over there and say hi. Tell her you like her shoes or her dress or something. Be friendly. Actually friendly... you know, not 'I want to get into your pants' friendly. You really shouldn't bother if you're not actually interested in getting to know the person.

Nobody appreciates being treated like a piece of meat. It all goes back to the whole be a good person thing.

If she says no, brush it off. It's not the end of the world. She's entitled to her preferences, just like you are entitled to yours. If you know who you are and are happy with who you are, the confidence thing will come on it's own even if you get shot down now and then.

If you've been reading this far you'll notice nothing I've said is based on your appearance. You say you think you're handsome and well adjusted and appear sociable to other people, now those things can't possibly be what you base your self worth on?

What are the things that are important to you? The things you take pride in?

Barncore · 2014-11-29T16:58:57+00:00

You are the imagination of yourself. What you believe is true about yourself is the way you project yourself to others.

There's an old saying: An audience can't believe in a performer until the performer believes in the performer (or words similar). It's true for socializing aswell.

The catch is, you can't fake it. It comes unconsciously. People try, but ultimately you can't believe bullshit delusions about yourself at your core. Your subconscious wont let you.

So since people will eventually see you the way you see yourself (the parts that you subconsciously believe about yourself anyway), there is actually no difference between your own image, and the way people see you. It's a waste of energy concerning yourself with the way others see you. Where the differences in self-image lie is here: your conscious image of yourself (i.e. when you look in the mirror and see a welll adjusted handsome guy), and your unconscious image of yourself (dictated by past experiences, society/culture, thought habits, and your own energetic signature that you're born with, etc). From the sounds of it, they are conflicting. They're not in harmony with eachother. Your ego is not properly connected to your core inner self.

What you need to do is do some soul searching. And by that i mean, find out who you really are deep down. This can be a scary endeavour though because you will find out things about yourself that you don't like, and that you don't want to identify with. You may unearth bad memories, repressed emotions, and/or major character flaws. And that's exactly why so many people unconsciously avoid it. Because it's fucking tough to swallow! But the reality is this: you can't change anything about yourself until you first become aware of it and then accept it. And the ones that can do that, are aligned with their core. These are the charismatic ones that people are drawn to.

You know what charisma actually is? People will say "oh it's someone who is super confident / high energy / communicates well / expressive" or something like that. But those traits are just byproducts of what the root of it actually is: A charismatic person is someone who is well connected to their core. And aligning your mind with your core is a legit skill. Think of "core" however you want. Maybe it's your subconscious, or your soul, or your heart. Whatever philosophy works for you. Some people struggle to connect to their own core though because of all the bullshit or baggage or "weeding" that it requires. But the people that do have the courage to do that (even if it all happens subconsciously) are the ones that come across as charismatic. They're unblocked.

What i sense from you is that you're unconsciously not connected to your core. Right now your "outer self" is coming from a place of the conscious mind / ego. I observe many people that do this, so don't feel like you're making some huge mistake. People everywhere are doing this. You need to get in touch with your deeper inner self, and then start building bridges between your core and your conscious self-image. Go get some quiet time away and connect with your heart. Maybe just write a journal and write a couple of pages of the first shit that pops into your mind. Do this every morning before you get out of bed (because that's when your mind is at it's most unfiltered). I'm sure there are many more techniques. It sounds cheesy but ultimately you need to listen to your heart. Once you align that with your conscious mind then everything else will fall into place and your interactions will feel natural.

Hopefully that gives you some perspective. Feel free to ask any questions.

pacg · 2014-11-29T09:00:48+00:00

Never underestimate the human capacity for self-delusion. We all do it to varying degrees. So how can you rectify this? Ask your friends. Ask them about the image you project. Are you cool, a dork, or something inbetween? Basically you just need direct feedback.

TheJigIsUp · 2014-11-29T08:06:08+00:00

Think about what the best version of yourself would do in any given situation, and work towards doing just that.

TheStarkReality · 2014-11-29T13:32:34+00:00

What kazrael02 said was on the nail, but if you wanna know about the whole physical thing, try /r/rateme or whatever it's called.

wanttogotospace · 2014-11-29T12:57:11+00:00

Overthinking it dude. Stop worrying about others reaction and appearance to you. There are literally billions of humans on this planet, and there are very few of them that can ever touch my good mood and bring it down. I value my self and know who I am, and am not going to easily let anyone fuck with my perception of the world or of my self worth. It allows me to be completely and utterly my self, and people will respond positively or negatively but for the most part it's positive because I'm not worrying about petty bullshit or ego. I don't need to be more alpha than others because I am my own alpha and omega. You get one time to run around in college without any real responsibility other than schoolwork, do you really wanna spend it worrying about how you appear to others? you are either handsome or ugly and either way life should be awesome.

Ferinex · 2014-11-29T14:44:01+00:00

What you are suffering is as old as sentience. It's called existential crisis! Or identity crisis in other words. What you'll find is that it is very difficult if not impossible to define who it is you are, and that the identity you have in mind may be radically different than the identity others think you are going for. I have no advice or answers. Personally, I make a best effort to live rationally so that I can always defend my actions in a context other than identity. This way I can say, "I did it because, XY therefore Z," instead of, "I did it because I am IDENTITY."

ThatSpecialPlace · 2014-11-29T15:00:53+00:00

and while I'm ready to be comfortable with who I am and what people think of me (because who gives a shit what they think of me, right?), I feel like my world is turned upside down when I see myself from other people's perspective

Your problem is you DO give a shit about what people think of you. You have an image in your head of who you think you are and when you don't think people see you like that, you get down on yourself.

How do you get over this? Completely eliminate the outside perspective of what you think people see you as. Just be yourself and be confident in who you are.

machinesmith · 2014-11-29T16:04:18+00:00

/u/Tucker_MalcolmXI ! You've put to words what I couldn't all this time! I know EXACTLY what you mean and its the same question I've had but never knew how or who to ask! Just saying you're not alone man.

While i'm pretty much doing what /u/kazrael02 advised, (and really want to believe him) guys like this and this makes me re-evaluate myself and wonder if I'm a milquetoast (the only way I think I'm not is because I've been in a few fights and no I'm not proud of those).

Anyway man if you figure this out let me know! Till then you'll find me here (probably knee deep in reddit, work and retro gaming sites :P).

tooeasilybored · 2014-11-29T16:08:37+00:00

The image you have of yourself will ALWAYS be different from the image others have of you. There is nothing you can really do about it aside from being a good human being. Why? Because everyone is unique, and we are free thinking animals.

Women have different tastes and preferences. I was chasing a beautiful blonde for the longest time, took me a few months to figure out she had a thing for bald guys. She shot me down at first, I could've easily spent months going over why...is it because I'm not fit enough? Don't dress well enough?

The point of this sub is actually very simple. Be yourself, better yourself, enjoy yourself.

You have no idea how you look to women, most have different tastes and preferences. The opinion of one woman will differ from the next. So how do you go around this and still approach anyways? Be confident, and I don't mean to be an ass. I mean walk with a good posture, shoulders wide and not slouched. Smile, and genuinely talk to another human being. We all remember how to make friends...it's literally the same thing except with a woman you're interested in that friendship hopefully is more "fun".

Don't overthink, be who you are. I asked my ex why she chased me so hard when there were thousands of other guys at the same university town, she said it was my size that caught her eye and my confidence that made her go crazy a bit.

Stop overthinking!

Catch11 · 2014-11-29T15:30:45+00:00

not everyone has the same image of you

SapereAude1490 · 2014-11-29T18:46:05+00:00

If you really have low self-esteem, you might want to read Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

chaosmosis · 2014-11-30T00:56:49+00:00

I think you are treating social status as though it provides more information than it actually does. There are many people who are total self-deluded idiots and are unable to calibrate who are high on the social ladder. There are also many people who are very thoughtful, perhaps too thoughtful, who end up very low on the social ladder. The system isn't meaningless, but it's not especially fantastic either.

if I have no fucking idea what I look like to women (and people in general) how am I supposed to calibrate my interactions with them accordingly? Like, projecting confidence, is obviously a catalyst for success in anything, but what if I project confidence and I'm actually driving people away because that confidence is misplaced on someone who actually seems like a fucking idiot?

I know this feeling. Happily, I think neither of our worries are justified. The fact that you notice flaws in your past self is evidence that you're at least moderately self-aware.

Now, if you're anything like me, you feel vaguely uncomfortable with that kind of reasoning - it feels too much like a magic trick that solves all your problems. But actually, if so, that's evidence you're even more self-aware! Being paranoid about avoiding excuses or self-deception is an excellent sign. IMO most people never reach that level of skill.

Of course, it is not an infallible sign. Don't ever let your doubt disappear entirely. But paying too much attention to your doubt is just as likely to decalibrate you as not paying enough attention. It's best if you question yourself on a regular yet infrequent basis like once every couple of weeks, because that way you don't overthink things but you don't avoid regular feedback.

Keeping a journal is something a lot of psychiatrists recommend for everyone nowadays, if that interests you.

JackGetsIt · 2014-11-30T02:50:03+00:00

what if I project confidence and I'm actually driving people away because that confidence is misplaced on someone who actually seems like a fucking idiot

I really related to your post so I'll bite. So what. This feeling is just an insecurity, a way for you to get out of putting yourself out there. I've had that same feeling as well, I pushed through it went out met people and guess what. The feeling was wrong. Your feelings are wrong all the time. Just sit with that statement and examine it for a second. You're going to look like an idiot to certain people whether you project confidence or not and let me tell you people would much rather deal with a confident idiot then a push over. You can't control what people think and your most likely not an idiot. Stop talking to yourself like that. We are often our own worst critic. Don't delude yourself but don't flog yourself either.

locotx · 2014-11-29T17:44:10+00:00

How many "closes" do you have? That's your score bro.

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