Complete beginner at dating? Today I will teach you the basics of modern dating in 5 minutes even if you have never dated before.

Bear in mind this is a modern concept of dating for people living in Western society. So if you were brought up and believe in more religious or traditional dating concepts - this is not the post for you.

1 - the goal. Process over outcome. 

Most beginners come in with the mentality of exiting the dating phase and finding the one as soon as possible just because they feel uncomfortable and don’t like dealing with things like rejection and putting themselves out there. 

However, your goal should be to be comfortable in this phase and not only that but also to be able to have fun for multiple reasons. 

The better you can handle this dating phase, the more mating options you will have, the more fun you will have, the more qualified romantic potential partners you will be able to interact with, the more well protected you will be in case you break up with your potential future partner. So don’t rush to exit this phase and if you are ultimately looking for a girlfriend, let it happen naturally. 

In other words, if you are miserable in the dating phase - you are doing it wrong. You should be able to enjoy yourself, meet new people, have regular sex and overall have a pretty satisfied dating life.

This is especially important if you are a total beginner you don’t really know what you like. So go on at least 10 dates with different women to see what you like or don’t like before even thinking of settling. 

2 - where to meet women

Okay, so now you’re ready to date - now you need to find your ‘marketing channel’.

Women don’t know you exist, so you need to let them know you do exist hence you need to market yourself.

There are different marketing channels when it comes to dating, but the main criteria should be that there is a high volume of women that you find physically and emotionally attractive.

In the beginning you won’t know what you like, so for you it will just be a high volume of women. High volume means you can speak and interact with at least dozens of new women per week.

Why high volume? Again, we want to get experience and be able to date different women. And for you to date 1 girl, you might need to speak to 10-50 women depending on the marketing channel you pick.

This means that if you work in a 50 company startup or are going to a 20 people language class - they are not good marketing channels. 

So what are the different marketing channels? Let’s take a look at a few common ones.

Dating apps

In this marketing channel, you basically upload a few of your best pictures as well as some personality descriptions and then your profile is exposed to women who can either reject you or choose to talk to you. If you both choose to talk to each other, the messaging function is enabled and you can now text.

The main apps are Tinder, Bumble, Hinge although there are many more niche ones and there are always new apps being created and deleted.

So this channel usually has a lot of volume and is very easy to get started - just upload your pics and start swiping. It’s also socially accepted and doesn’t require a lot of effort daily to market yourself - you can spend 30 min per day from your apartment swiping on women.

The good thing about apps is that a lot of women have sort of raised their hand by being on the app and are ‘looking to date’. So if you get a match and a date, they are typically receptive to taking things forward.

However, because of the low barrier of entry, it means there is a lot of competition. For example, data shows on Tinder women swipe right on only ~14% of profiles and they tend to rate 80% of men as below average in attractiveness. So a lot of men find themselves not getting any dates on apps or having to date women who they are not very excited about.

If you are an exceptionally attractive guy with good, creative photos and you like texting - this channel might be good.

Bars / nightclubs

So bars and nightclubs are simply socially designated places where people go let loose.

The dim lights, loud music and alcohol are designed to get people to be in more relaxed states than they usually are during the day.

The pros of this channel is that again it's a socially acceptable place to talk to each other and interact with strangers and because people are usually in their relaxed selves ready to let loose, it’s easier to make things happen.

The cons here are that these events usually start quite late and if you go regularly your sleep schedule will be messed up. Also a lot of women go to these events to have fun with their friends, so their hand is not as raised as it is on the apps, so not all of them might be looking to talk to you. And again, since it’s a socially accepted place to flirt, there will be significant competition.

If you have some good venues in your city and you don’t mind going to sleep late a few times a week - this might be a good option for you.

The public

Finally, the other marketing channel is just any public setting.

Streets, parks, coffee shops, malls, train stations - in any city there are places with higher concentration of people. So you just go there and interact with them.

The pros of this channel is that the traffic is generally the highest volume by definition - because literally every person sometimes goes out in public and you’re not limited by only women who sign up to apps or visit bars. And the competition is the lowest because most men don’t do this, so it’s a very undersaturated channel. And you can fit this with your schedule and approach whenever you want.

The cons are that it actually has the highest barrier to entry because talking to strangers outside of typical settings is not something encouraged in the society, so most men have a massive fear of doing so.

If you are willing to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and want to have the highest level of freedom when meeting women, this channel could be good.

Choose one

Most men make the mistake of choosing too many marketing channels and then they don’t get results in any.

You will need to put significant effort into mastering just one marketing channel, so make sure you have a decent level of mastery before you move to others.

3 - Value exchange on dates

Okay, so you got a date..Now what?

Let’s start from the top - what’s the point of going on dates?

Well let me ask you this - why do you ultimately do anything in life like working out, earning money etc?

It’s a deep question but an important one. This answer might be different for different people, but I think most will agree that the goal behind most things is to get positive emotions.

Same with dates - when you go on a date, consciously or subconsciously you expect that this experience will somehow provide you with positive emotions. Same with the girl.

So if you want to become good at dates, become proficient at providing ample positive emotions.

Now how do you do that?

A lot of guys believe they need to take women out to fancy dinners or shows to provide positive emotions. But it’s the 21st century, so a lot of women can pay for their own fancy dinners or trips, so purely going to an event will not provide positive emotions.

What they are ultimately looking for is a good company - charismatic and confident guy that can make good conversation. The more positive, confident and interesting you are, the more positive emotions you can give to the girl.

For example, a girl having simple wine in a regular bar with a ‘cool guy’ will get way more positive emotions than having Michelin dinner with a ‘boring guy’.

Therefore, for you to be a ‘good date’, you need to become that guy.

And how do you become that guy? By actively engaging in an activity that improves your confidence and social skills.

Here you have two paths you can take. One is more indirect such as signing up for toastmasters or improv classes. It will improve your social abilities but here is the problem - giving a speech and flirting with a girl are two different things.

So the other and recommended path is the direct one - simply having loads of conversations with women and improving while doing.

Going back to marketing channels in step 2 - this is why I personally prefer a real life marketing channel. Because you hit two birds with one stone. You are getting dates and at the same time also improving your dating social skills which you will need anyways later on.

4 - concept of gradual investment

So now you’re going on dates with a girl, now what?

A lot of guys go overboard and invite a girl to visit their city and meet their mom on a first date. Don’t do this because this way you are asking for too much investment upfront.

You want to build investment gradually over time and validate that you and the girl can repeatedly give each other positive emotions through shared experiences.

There is not an exact science of investment, but let me give you a few ground rules

Rule 1 - don’t ask to meet her more than twice a week in the beginning. This will scare the healthy girls away and instead attract lonely, codependent women who also don’t know how to be single

Rule 2 - don’t be talking to her all the time over text between dates. You want to have spaces of silence and vacuum which are needed to build a healthy relationship

Rule 3 - start with casual dates and slowly move to more investment. For example, don’t propose having an overnight trip together on the second time you meet her. Instead, go for a hike or a simple day trip.

Conclusion

So right now you should have a holistic understanding on what modern dating is and what you need to do.

Key things - learn to market yourself and improve your abilities to generate positive emotions through excellent social skills. If you do this, you will never struggle in dating.

If you want to start learning more, check out my other posts where I teach you how I market myself and meet women using the third and my most favourite method which is meeting women in public through real life approaches.