My self-esteem is taking a beating from consistently being rejected. How do I overcome this and stay positive?

Morokweng · 2015-08-02T17:19:54+00:00

I have been matching with very decent looking women and having great first dates, just about all of them haven't returned my texts to go out again. I know I am not acting desperate or pulling nice guy bullshit, but yeah, nothing.

That's not the sign of a 'good first date', the sign of a good first date is a second date. You say you're not acting desperate, yet everything you've posted seems to convey that you are desperate for some form of female validation. Even if you're trying to cover it with some kind of facade, people can easily detect an incongruence with your behavior and your internal emotional state.

Its a chicken and egg scenario. You need confidence to get girls, yet not getting girls is destroying your confidence, leading to a failure cascade.

Confidence and self-esteem is the foundation of everything. But you have to understand that self-esteem isn't something that comes from outside of you. You don't look at your possessions, your achievements, compare them to other people's possessions and achievements, and then rationalize as to why you deserve to be happy and confident based on that comparison. If you do that then your confidence will always be situational, and will always depend on you being 'better' than everybody else.

The trick is to realize that confidence and happiness are supposed to be your default state, and when you compare yourself, your lack of achievements, your flaws and wounds to other people you are actually rationalizing yourself out of that default state and making yourself feel miserable. You feel as though you're not entitled to have your needs met, or have a normal adult relationship with someone.

As for how you cultivate self-esteem, its an ongoing process like cultivating a garden. You have to weed out all the shitty thoughts that have been circulating in your head. You have to accept your flaws and imperfections and stop trying to hide them. Read books that aren't shit, Models by Mark Manson is good, No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover - even if you said you weren't doing 'nice guy' things I think it'd help you. Meditation can help, I found Eckhart Tolle helpful on that... Even therapy might be a good idea.

I would also recommend getting off Tinder though and avoiding all online dating. You need to get to the point where you can approach girls in real life, don't try to skip ahead.

This_is_skyler · 2015-08-02T23:38:35+00:00

Realize that your rejection says nothing about you or your right to be happy

hypothermiatic · 2015-08-02T17:08:18+00:00

I'm just starting to game so my advice may not be the best for you, but I'll give it to you anyways. My first piece of advice to you is to get off of Tinder. I was using it a bout 3 weeks ago telling myself I'd use it to gain experience talking to women then I would start actually approaching. That was just an excuse to not approach for me and I deleted it and put myself into the mindset that if I want to learn I will go out and approach instead of using social media.

I know you're positive with your approach to gaming but it's clear something is being done wrong. You need to reevaluate those situations and see where you could have improved. That doesn't mean don't be yourself but if your approach isn't working then something else has to be done to get different results.

You also have to stop worrying about your insecurities especially if you can't do anything about them, because that's not hurting anyone else but yourself my friend. I have insecurities just like everyone else but I've been working on not giving a fuck about them.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2015-08-02T18:20:00+00:00

I really need some help understanding how to keep my head up and not to worry about this

Before you can be good at something, you have to suck at it for awhile. The faster you fail, the faster you'll get good. Think of each rejection as getting one step closer to the next "yes".

ledzepplinjacko · 2015-08-02T22:25:34+00:00

I would like to recommend Mark Manson's book 'Models', helped me a great deal when I started

greatestaccounteva · 2015-08-02T17:16:28+00:00

I mean... this doesn't say you're lacking as a man... it just says you could be better at first dates.

What usually happens during your dates?

yj2000 · 2015-08-02T19:17:51+00:00

So I see your problem as two-fold.

First, your techniques. You're desperate and you're seen as so? Fine, just hone your techniques to the point where you're NOT seen as desperate anymore. You're not a type of person girls are attracted to and you're seen as so? Fine, just change your behaviors to change that. You don't need to be SEEN as who you really are. With practice, you can fake it to the extent where people will see you as you want them to. Think how actors can project entirely different personalities to their behavior. Initially, faking is fine. The real confidence and competence will follow naturally.

Second, the issue of staying in a positive state. This is also a relatively simple matter to solve. Identify what makes you happy and puts you in a positive state. For me, it's exercising, talking with friends, and playing instruments. I find the exercising to be the most convenient and a more effective option of the three, so I tend to do it whenever I feel down. Whatever activity you choose, do it often, and do it whenever you feel your mood swinging downward even slightly.

Here's what you can do to keep your state positive: First, ask yourself: On the scale of 1 to 10, how much energy do you feel you have? 1 being the absolute worst (Can't even get out of bed), 10 being the absolute best (You can do anything!). If this score is 7 or up, then great. Go pick up girls. If the score is 5 or below, then maybe you don't feel like going out so much. That's okay. Just do the thing that makes you happy and gives you energy, be it exercising, talking with your friends, or perhaps just taking a nap. Feel down after being rejected? Just note your energy score, do the activity of your choice, and you'll be back in a positive state in 20 minutes.

If you are a type of person that doesn't exercise regularly, by the way, I seriously recommend it. Start with walking for 15 minutes once every week. Increase the frequency and intensity over time. You'll see a remarkable improvement in your daily energy level.

Nubrication · 2015-08-03T02:30:10+00:00

Wait, I'm confused, here I was thinking that Tinder was a fuck buddy or one night stand app. I didnt know that people actually used it to find REAL dates.

Llleblanc1986 · 2015-08-03T06:39:53+00:00

You have to see yourself as a sexually desirable man. Go to Cory Skyy on YouTube and listen to his newest audio. Its exactly that missing link that you are missing, the reason why you are having these confidence issues. I can most guarantee you, its because of the relationship you have with yourself. Just get into Cory Skyy and his teachings, it changed me if that helps any.

It all comes down to your beliefs about YOURSELF. and he is the only one that tackles that shit head on and is a true ladies man.

creative_dreams · 2015-08-02T19:25:34+00:00

I gotta tell you though, your thirties should be far better than your 20's. You are just now getting to the point that you are capable to begin really identifying with women. Men mature so slowly...and it frustrates women that young guys are just big thick skulls with an erection. You are just now about to start hitting your stride. Don't feel bad about just now starting to figure things out...that's just how it goes for dudes.

:)

1vibe · 2015-08-02T17:50:27+00:00

Thrive on rejection.

Title	My self-esteem is taking a beating from consistently being rejected. How do I overcome this and stay positive?
Author	sedditthrowout
Upvotes	35
Comments	23
Date	August 2, 2015 3:47 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3fim8u/my_selfesteem_is_taking_a_beating_from/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/my-self-esteem-is-taking-a-beating-from.1391940 https://theredarchive.com/post/1391940

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