Totally new to this, need your help!!

newtothis123 · 2010-06-20T21:24:28+00:00

This is what I did:

Start exercising: running and musculation. Every day. Three times a week run, three times a week lift weights. Alternate them so that you don't break yourself, and go to a gym and ask for advice to a professional trainer (they're free in public gyms, so try it)

Learn about a disease named oneitis: no girl is the woman of your life. Women are people. Take them out of the pedestal. Life is about having fun and enjoying every minute, and interacting with women is quite funny once you learn to manage the situation. How to manage it, then? Read:

The DJ bible, 4-5 posts a day. It will take about a month, that's good because after that time you'll already feel a lot more confident

Then read the player guide. I didn't like some of the posts (I think that the approaches and patterns are bullshit, but whatever) but overall it helps to read another point of view.

Those two pages, plus Seddit, have changed my life in only 3 months. Girl friends tell me that I've changed and find me interesting, even though they have always seen me as an AFC. When I go to bars with my friends, they are envious of me whereas some time ago they honestly felt sorry for me. I feel super confident and somehow every woman I speak to gets super interested in me

TL;DR: Give yourself three months, read those two compendiums and exercise. I did it, so you can. Start believing in yourself. Magic? No. Change your mind and become (not fake, become!) a new person.

Sublomino · 2010-06-21T07:03:06+00:00

Whether you can get her back or not is not the issue. The issue here is that there was some kind of failure, and it hurts. But, I think there's also a little bit of over-exaggeration or catastrophising the failure. Sometimes when this happens people think this is the end, it's all-or-nothing, I'll never be able to get her back or to get anyone ever again. This is what happens when we don't fail enough to learn that we will be ok and survive it, and when we don't give ourselves permission to feel like shit when shitty things happen. Learn to accept failure, it is your greatest ally.

Sorry, but step-by-step is not going to help you, I think. There is no such straight-line process to getting women, no matter how much that idea might be marketed. The best tool for learning game is right in front of your nose -- from your failure! The best thing you can do for yourself is to journal about it. Write about how it feels and what you've learned from it, and what other benefits it has brought you. I know it feels awful - but it's human. If you didn't feel this way, it means you're either a psychopath, or dead. Congratulations, you're not a psychopath, and you're alive. There is no success without failure. Failure does not guarantee success, but the absence of failure guarantees the absence of success.

alexryane · 2010-06-21T01:39:36+00:00

Firstly take everything you read here and anywhere else with a pinch of salt. The 'PUA' community has allot of cringe-making bullshit. You don't really need to read anything, you certainly don't need to buy anything.

The absolute most important thing you can do is understand that you can and will meet girls anywhere. No one girl matters really, you can always always always meet more, always. There are millions of them out there, literally, that's all that matters. Every guy has gone through roughly what you're going through and really you're going to look back on it and laugh at yourself.

Girls are more or less the same as guys. Put yourself in their shoes. They can be nervous and neurotic like us, they can be horny and dirty like us, they can pretend to be one thing and really be another, just like us. They can be kind and sweet just like us. But just like us, girls are reluctant or scared to make moves, they're not going to do something that you're not going to do, so society has left it to us to be the men and have balls.

Luckily there are only a couple of ballsy things you're gonna have to do for them. The first is talk to them - they want to talk to you but they're shy, so you're going to have to make that move. The second is kissing them, as this is the difference between being friends or more than friends. Guess what, girls are also reluctant to do this but they might really want to make out with you!

"How do you know if she wants to kiss you" I hear you ask. Well! if they don't think you're a weird creepy guy and walk away from you at the first opportunity that's a really great start. If they don't move back when you move slightly closer, its going well. If they don't move away, or flinch when you touch them on the arm then - you see where I'm going - keep touching, it will make someone more comfortable and receptive towards you! After this you can go for it. It's socially acceptable to kiss people in most situations, especially if you start with a slow and gentle kiss while giving them ample space to move away (this is considered polite). If she likes you even only remotely she will kiss back, if she doesn't she will move away and thats it. She will only act angrily if you are doing something threatening like grabbing her, cornering her, or acting like you're about to attack her - as you would expect any normal person to react.

Here is a list of situations where it may not be socially acceptable to kiss someone you've only recently met: A funeral, In church, Someone on duty at work (e.g. waitress), When she is in a vulnerable position such as alone on a street or anywhere where she would not feel safe if you did turn out to be a weirdo.

Congratulations, after kissing a girl everything instantly becomes easy and nerve-free, you will have no doubt in your mind that she likes you and you can I'm sure take it from there.

spinlock · 2010-06-21T07:30:24+00:00

I'd forget about your ex and go out and hit on a ton of girls. The only thing that works for learning how to do anything is practice so get over the whole "I don't know how" and just do it. You'll really be doing yourself a favor to bang a bunch of other hot girls and if you do it well your ex might want to get back together. But, you might want to keep banging other hot chicks :)

reph · 2010-06-20T21:14:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

tactics · 2010-06-21T13:44:12+00:00

Behold! The Book of Pook. A great guide to becoming a real man. Unlike many other seduction books, Pook is 99% bullshit free.

Exes are never worth pursuing. Ever.

It's best to follow the Usual_Advice:

Cut all contact. Delete from Facebook. Hit the gym.

rmbarnes · 2010-06-20T22:19:54+00:00

I'd read 'The Game' by Neil Strauss first, as a general intro.

Then I'd look for a system to follow. No one system is perfect, but I find it helpful to follow a structured approach, so I stick to one system. In my case this is the Mystery Method (amazon it), but many people find this a bit too fixed and methodical. It's good if you've got a very geeky / scientific brain.

A very important point is this: spending time in the field (bars) is more important than reading up on the theory. To this end, just learn the basics of opening sets (just opening, no more to start with), then before reading anything else, go out and open 50 sets. Once you've done that, then go into more theory.

Also realise that you probably need to make changes to your life to become attractive to women. Workout, take pride in your appearance, build a large social circle and strive to lead an adventurous life (travel, fun activities).

nicolauz · 2010-06-21T02:12:53+00:00

Edit 2: Very unlikey, get over it or it will be very bad for ya...I had the same issue (3-1/2 year both broke off) about half year ago...just letting it ebb and flow, not looking for any 'gaming' if it works...it works...if it doesn't...stop doing it !

antioche · 2010-06-21T10:41:28+00:00

Mainly: Work on yourself; work on making yourself valuable; kill your approach anxiety; master inner game.

lookatmeimskinny · 2010-06-22T01:30:24+00:00

I was in a similar situation 6 months ago, so I really feel for you. However, I'm a better person now than I could have possibly been had the relationship continued. Be thankful for challenges & enemies, because they're the only things that make you better. If we didn't have them, we'd all be fat slobs sitting around being spoonfed.

My advice: Give up on getting back together with her. You must come to realize that relationships are about how people interact, not with whom they interact. People spend too much time looking for a perfect lover and not enough time figuring out how to create the perfect love. You're at uni, you're surrounded by horny college girls (yes, they're horny, they're just good at hiding it (at least most of them)). Go out and find some that are up to your standards.

I know the hardest thing for me in the breakup was letting go of that shared experience that I had with my ex. I found that the best way to view it was that I was thankful for the good times, but to move on because thinking about the past does nothing for your present or future. You only get one life, do you really want to waste so many months just moping around? Get back on the horse.

Also, I'd say check out Tynan's (AKA Herbal's) Make Her Chase You. Honestly, it probably won't help you that much in terms of traditional game, but it will enlighten you onto where you went wrong in your past relationship and prevent you from making the same mistakes. It's also a fun, easy read.

boumboum34 · 2010-08-01T06:25:42+00:00

About your ex. Yes, girls do sometimes come back to a boyfriend after she broke up with him. My best (female) friend did just that, and she ended up marrying him. A good solid happy marriage, too.

However, the more you obsess over her, the more you hurt your chances of her getting back together with you. Girls hate it when guys are needy or clingy or miserable. You need to come from a position of strength, a happy guy, with your life together--and she'd be a bonus--not "I'll die without you!" (that scares women off big time!).

I do think it's a good idea to talk to her about what went wrong and how to fix it, provided she's willing. But if she tells you she wants you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Sometimes just choosing to be happy without her, can be enough to make her want you back.

If she tells you the relationship lost it's spark, then you should think about how to generate that spark again. One of the best books I've seen on that is "Light Her Fire" by Ellen Kreidman.

Be aware that the skills needed to attract a new woman to you, are very different from the skills needed to keep a romantic relationship going. And these two are taught in very different sets of books. Try /r/relationships for more help on whether you could revive that relationship, and how to be an exciting man. /r/seduction is the place to learn about attracting a new girl. The Don Juan Bible is a good site to go to--not just tips but some really good forums.

You don't have to be an a-hole or use a lot of dishonest "tricks" to attract new girls. What you need most is confidence, which is gained through a lot of practice in just going up to strangers and starting a conversation--building that confidence, doing it a lot so that rejection no longer bothers you. And learning what works, and what doesn't.

Personally, there are aspects of some of the PUA techniques that bother me ethically...all the canned lines, and an attitude of "fuck 'em and dump 'em". I reject that aspect of it. But there's another part, "how to bring out the best you--your real self--in such a way that you attract the women you want"; how to get over the fears and nervousness and low self-esteem, and be able to have fun just talking to new women. How to treat them well, find someone terrific to be a girlfriend or wife if you want, who also treats YOU well. And do it in a way that neither of you ever feels used or lied to later. Chances are, if you're having fun, so are they. And this is the part of the PUA stuff that I like, the part that helps you understand what attracts a woman, and how to bring out the best in you.

For a different take on how to attract and date beautiful women, may I recommend R. Don Steele's book, "How to Date Young Women: For Men Over 35" by R. Don Steele. This book helped me hugely. And you don't have to be over 35 to benefit from it. What I liked best about this one is this book showed me how I could find dates elsewhere than at bars--at libraries, or local clubs organized around a hobby or sport or a strong interest of yours (NOT "meet new singles")--I don't drink and I'm not into the bar scene. I found that for me, one of the best places to find the kind of women I liked, was college classes. Not the ones where you sit for an hour-long lecture but the ones that involve students interacting with each other, like continuing education classes in dance, photography, writing, whatever. I found that the continuing ongoing togetherness of a classroom or club was a godsend in helping get a relationship going.

I learned how to attract women myself. I had a terrific relationship with a very hot woman--she thought the world of me. And I'm 5'4", I'm over 100 pounds overweight, and I'm low income, driving a ratty old car with the clearcoat peeling off. She had an incredible sex drive..hot redhead, easily a 9, whip-smart. She could have had any guy she wanted, was turning down guys left and right. She wanted me. Because I knew how to treat her. And I learned that from the pickup books and from the relationship books both. The relationship ended only because she died of an illness--so she loved me for life. And I loved her.

I got her not by "I would do anything for her" or putting her on a pedestal, but by making her feel good, feel comfortable, relaxed, sexually aroused, teasing her lots, showing her my sexual self, lots of genteel (not crude) sex jokes and teasing, treating her very well, while also insisting that she treat ME well and I call her on it if she messes up (didn't happen often, but once in a while it did). And I'm 20 years older than her. That bugged her a lot at first, as did my weight, but the more she knew me, the less she cared about my age or my weight or anything else--she just loved how she felt around me. I excited her. I was never overly predictable. I made her laugh. I made her feel cared for and loved. I made her feel safe. She trusted me. I never betrayed that trust. So she went for me, out of all the guys chasing her. And this is a woman who normally only goes for hot hunks. But they were clumsy with her, and I was not. That made the difference.

So if I can do it, you can.

reph · 2010-06-21T01:02:23+00:00

I'm sort of a theory junkie so:

SELECT * FROM amazon.com WHERE AUTHOR='Robert Greene';
How To Become an Alpha Male (John Alexander)
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
How I Raised Myself From Failure To Success In Selling
Mastering Your Hidden Self: Guide To The Huna Way
Think & Grow Rich
Body Language

I found Mystery Method overly rational and systematic -- no way that the naturals I've watched are following that model.

nicolauz · 2010-06-21T02:10:42+00:00

Don't get too caught up in playing the game. Sort your life shit out, achieve success, gain vehicle, crib, the rest in natural.

Too much reading into it honestly, is very unhealthy...take it in stride.

2010-06-21T22:10:33+00:00

Fuck ten other girls. Go out and start approaching until you manage to Fuck Ten Other Girls. Do you honestly think she's not doing the same thing? She is fucking other guys. Other men are making her laugh and make those lovely noises you used to make her do.

Title	Totally new to this, need your help!!
Author	newtothis123
Upvotes	22
Comments	41
Date	June 20, 2010 8:38 PM UTC (16 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ch3mx/totally_new_to_this_need_your_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/totally-new-to-this-need-your-help.1310672 https://theredarchive.com/post/1310672

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