When does no means no?

getyourlifeplease · 2019-06-08T10:58:41+00:00

That is the diff between a guy who respects you and a douche...the respectful guy will honor your boundaries. He may try once to push things a little further, but the minute you say no - he lets it go. Dude might move onto someone else, but it js what it is. The douche on the other hand, is the guy that doesnt take no for an answer. He is selfish (or lacks self awareness) and keeps pushing - aka - a creepy loser. Majority of men arent like that douche and know how to act. Dont get discouraged. But also learn to REMOVE yourself from situations you are uncomfortable in...not keep hanging around.

recyclablebanthas · 2019-06-08T17:05:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2019-06-09T00:59:13+00:00

Firstly, you're not framing this correctly.

The guy basically assaulted you and you're wondering if YOU did something wrong by expecting different norms. . . Nah b, your friend assaulted you and you are in a predisposition where you tolerate what should be intolerable. He operated on what we call 'ape mode' Basically, all social and emotional intelligence go out the window and the person says : "fuck it" we all do it, but some people do it worse than others. For example, I did it in the form of a creepy text that put a girl I wanted to fuck at the time off.

An acquaintance of mine who was into guys basically sent me a nude pic that I didn't want. . . In the form of a 15 second video . . . .Twice. . . . Where I could literally see every detail of his body. . . . *shivers*

johannthegoatman · 2019-06-08T12:55:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ScorpyScorpy · 2019-06-08T12:19:15+00:00

That's sexual harrassment 1st of all, if you alrdy said no

-He is an asshole, no wonder he got no friends. Cut him out of your life. Creepy fuc

The guy you're seeing reaction is not justifiable but it's understandable. Foe him you could've been lying and you're having a guilt trip.

IF you're not going to pursue any legal actions or stuff, don't let these things ahppen to you anymore. No sane guy would try a lot of times to a girl who already told them ''no'' and NO guy would even ask a girl out alone without being interested to her.. there's that

theorymeltfool · 2019-06-08T18:30:12+00:00

Are you coming back to respond to answers?

Obviously the guy was in the wrong, and you should've left after the first time he tried it and you pushed him away. Say you have to go to the bathroom, leave, and block him. Pretty simple stuff.

RiskyRewarder · 2019-06-09T01:56:21+00:00

I wouldn't respond to you either as another man dating you. You went on a date with another guy and then complained to a guy you are interested in that he attempted to get intimate, like he is your friend rather than a potential partner.

If he has other options, don't expect to hear from him again.

recyclablebanthas · 2019-06-14T04:41:59+00:00

1

When does no means no?

It means no, period.

There might be some situations where someone says no, or shows it through their body language, and then later changes their mind after the dude backs off.

But until the girl shows that to be the case, no means no and it's not the guy's business to assume he knows her mind better than she does.

I mean, unless he wants to face criminal charges. Some dudes thought the damn sky was falling when MeToo hit. All MeToo meant was that people can't practice sexual assault.

Anyone who was gaming based on empathy and actually connecting with women, didn't have an issue because they were respecting a no, realizing that someone might change their mind, maintaining confidence, and accepting the no if it turned out to be a final no.

2

I have this friend who recently moved into the city and asked to go for drinks. Initially I said no because I had this weird feeling about him ( a bit pushy, arrogant, often bragging about sexual experiences).......

......I got out from his hands and left home all crying, never felt more used in my life. I am not a person who shouts or slaps other people but I thought it was enough to say it and push back.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That is not something that is supported around here by the mods.

3

The worst thing is that there is another person that I have been seeing and I care a lot about. I wrote to this person a message explaining my experience and trying to get some moral support but its 15 hours and he haven"t replied to me even after seeing the message.

Sad to say, but sometimes we find out who really matters in a situation like this.

He could have been there for you, realizing that you didn't feed into any of what was happening and shut it down at every turn.

He appears to have given in to voices of fear and insecurity. It's no excuse, but we are human and he had a human reaction. He had negative voices in his head that basically told him he wasn't good enough and that you meant to do it and/or are playing games with him.

He's just not in a good place right now, and honestly doesn't sound like a good person to be around if he can't get past his own reaction to your situation, enough to support you.

4

What is the norm these days? Don't people understand when you tell them that you don"t want anything but just talk, actually means that you want just talk?

The norm is changing and there are a couple factions right now.

Some of them are in favor of leading with empathy and understanding, realizing that you can still have a casual sex life and be a human at the same time. Or look for relationships, if that is what you're into. All while not being indifferent or antagonistic to what others want.
Some people are hurt and angry, and can't get beyond that to caring about what others want. Such people show what they're about in red flags like the ones you noticed when that guy kept bragging about his sexual experiences, was too pushy, etc. Some of these guys glorify their exploits, despite the fact that many of them constitute sexual assault and/or harassment. And now in a post Me-Too world, they are getting more militant in some ways.

It is what it is. In many ways things are getting better, but there are some really aggressive hold-outs who want to turn the clock back.

BringMeToYourLager · 2019-06-08T15:52:08+00:00

Getting intimate is only appropriate if it is fun and welcomed by all involved. You don't sound like you were having fun, so it was inappropriate.

I wasn't a fly on the wall though so I can't say with certainty but saying, "I just want to talk." when someone steals a kiss sounds passive in the reddit post. What I mean is... i have a female friend who is a single mother of 1. As a single mother she is very involved in the school. She was constantly getting asked out by a single father and would always let him down by saying, "I'm not interested, right now." or "It's not a good time for me." She wondered why the guy wasn't getting the hint. Keyword "hint."

Because she gave him an excuse to approach you later and again and again. Don't give hints. Give orders. It's not that men don't get hints (at least some of the time) it's the fact that you didn't say "No. Period." You said "Not right now." Meaning "Later." He didn't care about your feelings so why do you care about hurting his with a soft let-down?

I am definitely not trying to victim shame here. The fact you weren't having a good time and cried home is regrettable. No excuse for that. I see a lot of posts of men acting like complete turds and women having no fun in it, yet don't speak up for themselves. You even say you didn't want to make a scene so other people couldn't even come to your aid. Fuck him. Make a scene. Maybe then he'll learn the next time someone says no it really does mean no. Embarrass the little cunt. A healthy dose of embarrassment is good for sexual deviants and alcoholics. As a society we need to stop shielding people from being embarrassed when they behave badly.

I consider myself a feminist and want to see strong women who say shit like, "If you steal another kiss from me without asking first I am going to cut open your nut sack and walk home with your balls in my purse. Got it?" I've been on the other end where I said "No. Period" to a woman who I otherwise would have fucked her brains out but I knew she was high at the time. She would not take no and barricaded me in the room. Whether you are guilted into it, feel pity, or think it will just be "easier" to get it over with... None of these are a reason for you to give into doing something you aren't willing and enthusiastic to take part in. Even if that's not intercourse. Kissing is not exempt from the same standard of consent.

Robobvious · 2019-06-08T17:57:17+00:00

Assholes will take what they can get, and they will push to get more and more. It's up to you to say No and mean it. Because in an ideal world, you would say No and everyone would inherently respect that. But in the real world, you'll say No and some people will keep going, so it's up to you to dig your feet in, stand up tall, and yell "NO! Fuck you! Back off!" Make it publicly known that this creeper is bothering you and that you don't feel safe. I'm sorry you had this terrible experience, but let it be the fuel that gives you the courage to stand up for yourself quicker and more forcefully in the future. Also trust your gut instincts, you knew this guy was a POS beforehand. Listen to that instinct and utilize it to keep yourself safe from fuckbois like that.

2019-06-08T18:05:01+00:00

[permanently deleted]

recyclablebanthas · 2019-06-09T08:14:29+00:00

[permanently deleted]

legend503 · 2019-06-13T21:59:13+00:00

Sadly.... Girls sometimes says no to see how badly a guy wants them and wants them to pursue. I however hate it. When a girl says no it is no. But I've lost many girls to that..

"wasn't man enough"

independantoutlook · 2019-06-08T15:03:48+00:00

You seem like a caring girl! I would go with your gut feelings and trust yourself. You had the impression that he could be an issue, and it turns out your right. It is always ok to make a scene and get out of an uncomfortable situation. It sounds like he can't read your feelings or care about you; either way, he needs to work on that not you. I am sorry you felt so terrible after that, but please don't hold one bad experience to an entire gender. I don't know why your male friend didn't text you have right away, to comfort you, there are so many reasons that explain why he didn't that are tame and acceptable.

Ruthrain · 2019-06-08T18:16:00+00:00

You should read "The Gift of Fear". You were thinking right the entire time, but your actions are what predators will try to exploit. Fuck being nice, listen to your gut and don't allow this to happen to you in the future.

2019-06-08T15:13:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

TheLonelyPotato666 · 2019-06-08T18:14:23+00:00

You clearly told him and tried to leave. He absolutely used you. Slap someone like that in their face if that ever happens again.

ScorpyScorpy · 2019-06-08T11:25:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	When does no means no?
Author	Ruthrain
Upvotes	43
Comments	57
Date	June 8, 2019 10:43 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/by6r02/when_does_no_means_no/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/when-does-no-means-no.1470882 https://theredarchive.com/post/1470882

Comments