Where is the line drawn for neediness/honesty/vulnerability

recyclablebantha · 2014-05-20T16:15:46+00:00

For example, if one were to say how they truly felt and it was a needy feeling/saying.. but they're being honest then isn't that a paradox?

Here's the thing: guys often feel the need to SAY something about how they feel, because they lack the balls to DO something.

The problem: saying something about how you feel before you've done something, shows that you lack the confidence to do something and/or that you're unaware of how awkward the verbal approach is before you've established the relationship through actions.

It's not a paradox. Being honest is fine. But this isn't about being honest. This is about a guy trying to compensate for lack of confidence, and transmitting that....... all while trying to justify it as fine because it's "honest".

crosenblum · 2014-05-20T07:06:15+00:00

Because neediness is a defense mechanism.

A defense mechanism that pushes other people away, because your so afraid of being hurt, that you push people away because it's safer than being open and opening yourself to other people.

So stop the neediness, and just be honest and open.

bl1y · 2014-05-20T12:22:22+00:00

It's not a paradox because a paradox doesn't have a solution. In this case the solution is obvious: stop being needy.

YRuafraid · 2014-05-20T13:24:26+00:00

Don't be honest enough to give her ammo against you. Before saying how much you think about her or how much you love her (if that's what you really feel).... think about how you may feel if she said that to you and you weren't as attracted to her. Especially if this is a girl you have just met not too long ago, then usually less is more. It may seem sweet and honest to you, but to the girl it may come off as needy and unattractive. Be honest in ways that make her feel good and doesn't hurt you.

It should also be a two way streak, so tell her your true feelings if she is doing the same. And it also depends on what your true feelings are... if your true feeling is that you are obsessed with her and can't stop thinking about her... maybe that is not the best thing to say obviously. But at the same time you should let her know that you are interested in her and not be oblivious.

So tl;dr--- be honest to a degree, don't give her ammo against you, and look at what you are saying in her perspective..

Tombstone31 · 2014-05-20T17:55:27+00:00

The difference is intent. Are you just saying how you actually feel, or are you saying something to try to get a girl to like you back?

Example 1: You tell a girl you just met how much you like her or her personality. In this case, you're saying it to make her like you. You don't know her, you have no idea what her personality is like. This is needy, because you're trying to control how she feels about you.

Example 2: You tell a girl you just met that you think she's hot as shit and you want to fuck her. This is how you feel - you're expressing your pure physical attraction to her, and your extreme desire to sleep with her. This is honest, not manipulative/controlling, and therefore not needy.

fixingunhappiness · 2014-05-21T04:48:30+00:00

I have had this same problem too,

I really value affection from girls, but when you try to be honest about valuing the affection to her or trying to draw a boundary around it it really kills the affection.

The answer i came up with was: Either go out with with a girl that naturally fills those kinds of needs or meet those needs for yourself. Part of the honesty/vulnerability bit is being honest with yourself regarding those needs. If that girl isn't the type to naturally meet your needs, find somebody else.

sykilik101 · 2014-05-23T17:24:27+00:00

OP, have you read Models? If you haven't, check it out. Great resource on vulnerability; I'd be so bold as to say that the current popular philosophy of vulnerability being used as a growth tool is predominantly the result of Models being written.

Title	Where is the line drawn for neediness/honesty/vulnerability
Author	sedditseddit
Upvotes	1
Comments	16
Date	May 20, 2014 7:04 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/260g7k/where_is_the_line_drawn_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/where-is-the-line-drawn-for.1371034 https://theredarchive.com/post/1371034

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