Most of my posts rely pretty heavily on empirical data because I have a little trouble putting abstract concepts into digestible words. But this post will be a little more personal. No boring stats here, I'm just gonna fuck this bitch raw.

I was thinking about personality today.

"Just be yourself bro."

"Just be confident bro."

"Just show empathy bro."

I've heard this sort of shit all my life from therapists, my parents, teachers, "friends," basically everyone really.

But the funny thing is, whenever I actually followed their advice, I was constantly yelled at, corrected, and even beaten (by my parents).

For the longest time, I didn't know what was wrong. I just figured out that everyone else could be themselves, but I couldn't.

This caused me to develop a very cynical and nihilistic attitude starting from the age of 2, when I was bullied and ridiculed every day by my preschool classmates for being fat, flapping my hands, and rocking back and forth. The most brutal realitypills are the ones that you experience yourself, and this was no exception. I feel as if preschool and my parents really set the tone for the rest of my life.

When I was 5, I remember saying to my parents, "it doesn't matter whether or not I do good in school [I'm Asian, so this was ostensibly required], the sun goes up every day, the sun goes down every day, some of my baby fish are alive, and some were eaten by their mom, and nothing matters."

Not long after that, I remember going to a therapist who ran some tests on me. I asked my parents what they were, and they said "the tests showed that you are very smart."

Little did I know that the truth was much more complicated.

In the next 11 years, I realized that I wasn't "normal," and tried to act "normal." It actually fucking worked, but I was subconsciously masking as a timid and studious beta Asian. It was not my true self, so there was no way I could "be lowinhib bro."

The manosphere wasn't a thing back in the late 2000s, when I was in high school. So I deluded myself into thinking that if I could curate a "normal personality," things would work out better.

It turned me into a pushover, and eventually the mask slipped, and I sperged out.

From that point, my social life in school was over. I still had a few "friends," but they were simply virtuesignaling and trying to portray themselves as good people by hanging out with the autist.

Everyone knew I was autistic except for me.

When I was 20, I got diagnosed with autism. Finally everything could be explained. At the time, I was obese and going through a deep depression.

The final straw was when my parents told me that I'd actually been diagnosed when I was 5, but they didn't want me to know because I wouldn't "be normal" if I knew.

Lotta good that did me.

I almost roped several times, but one day I took a long walk and began to contemplate my life.

Personality didn't matter. I had been myself and gotten made fun of, masked and became a pushover, and finally let my mask slip, thereby committing social sooiside.

I thought to myself: Diligent, if you rope now, there will never be a time in your life in which you'll be able to find your own peace. At least make peace with yourself before you end it.

So I began to be the person I really was. I fucking owned my autism. I stopped masking, flapped my arms, rocked back and forth, and I finally started to feel confidence. I started lifting, running, eating right, and sleeping better.

My last friends stopped talking to me. They told me "you need a lot of help man."

But I'd never felt better. Over the next 8 years, I went from obesity to a 6-pack and got a good face and a good job. I really did self-improve, and I was lucky I had a 6 or 6.5 face under the fat.

Being 5'7 probably didn't help though.

I even had a gf for a few months (no seggs), but she broke up with me because I was "too weird." I was just being myself, and I guess she couldn't handle it.

Imagine what would've happened if I masked around her. Eventually, the mask would've slipped.

But my life is objectively pretty good now. I have my own house, a good job where I talk to almost no one, I'm on track to retire early, etc. Don't feel bad for me.

But I have only 3 other friends, all of whom are autistic guys. They are permavirgins, single, but honestly, they have the most interesting stories and personalities you could think of.

They also had very similar experiences to me.

I tried talking to autistic girls as well, but they also thought I was way too weird. Very ironic.

It goes without saying that my success in dating since my gf has been zero, even though I feel better, have more peace, am more confident, and look better than I did in my early 20s.

Although I'm still 5'7, Asian, and autistic, I really think I've done what I can with what I have.

So do personality and being yourself really matter? Maybe only if you're not neurodivergent.

But if you are neurodivergent, can you really keep up the charade for your whole life? Do you really have to go until the day you die without anyone knowing your true personality because they can't handle it? More important, how will you ever be able to reconcile your true personality with the one you've created?

Those are questions I still ask myself sometimes.

This is completely off the cuff, no edits except for correcting truly unreadable shit, so if you made it to the end, you're a real G.