Hey boys,

Seperated 4 months ago tomorrow.

I spend so much of my energy ruminating over the divorce, especially when I have my child with me.

Financials are done, 5050 and signed off by the courts, I have 50/50 custody, we don't really have alimony in Australia.

I haven't been shafted as badly as any of you. Some of the stories I hear of financial destitution and perpetual servitude seem kind of egregious.

The marriage ended with me feeling abandoned, but nothing nefarious... No abuse or cheating. Just emotional alienation by my stbxw and my own mental health issues from feeling lonely (I was very critical of her, and our fighting got to a point where I started to shout, which is obviously not on... Maybe that is abuse?).

The marriage needed to end, but I saw her purposely sabotage us because she wanted to leave and did so until she broke me down and could justify leaving. I am not perfect, but I tried and had asked to go to therapy for a year. I do wish I had gone to therapy myself even if she didn't want to. I've learnt a lot about myself and I'm proudly becoming a better person. Im sad to say I've never felt what it's like to be actually loved, to feel like someone truly cared for me.

I'm working out, walking an hour a day, seeing friends, working, going to therapy, playing games, reading books.

But, I just can't stop the constant drift of my mind to the seperation. It occupies all my thoughts if I'm not 100% engrossed with an activity.

I feel so tired, I don't want to carry resentment and hate (for her or myself) but I'm not sure how to stop.

Does anyone have stories of how their emotional timeline worked? Maybe advice on what I can do to cope while time helps me heal?.

My mates tried to get me to go on a date, but I bailed ... I just don't have the bandwidth for anyone else. Sometimes I want physical intimacy (I am a bloke I guess)... But I know I can't handle that yet.

Edit: my spelling is like my marriage... Broken