Hi Queens, I am hoping to have a discussion/get some advice on where to draw the line in a relationship. Can a man ever exhibit LVM behaviour, acknowledge it, apologize, and he could still be "enough" of a HVM overall to continue dating him? I did read the Handbook and I think the most relevant piece of advice is "don't think you can change a LVM". But what if he says he will do the work himself e.g. through therapy?

A lot of the Handbook refers to dating and the initial stages of choosing a mate and establishing the tone. But I'm still a bit confused about evaluating whether a man is right TO MARRY after say 1-2 years of dating. I'm probably confused because of my recent relationship. Here are some things he did:

  • accused me of being "disingenuous" for going to a climate change protest while still eating meat and "hypocritical" for voting for a politician who is establishment-left instead of true-left (think Joe Biden instead of Bernie Sanders)
  • said that he thinks he sacrifices more for the relationship than me
  • accused me of being too stressed out about school to the point that it negatively impacted his own mental health
  • repeatedly suggested threesomes (allegedly that he thought we would both enjoy/to fulfill all our fantasies) because I had (1) sexual experience with a female friend (8) years ago (and am still friends with her)

Sadly, even though this man cooked for me, cleaned for me, supported my career, wrote me letters, and was an amazing lover, fit, healthy, well put together in public, had a PhD, financially generous, didn't drink, AND SO ON, I think I have to leave him because of these unacceptable comments...wouldn't you agree?

He apologized and it almost seems like most of these things he doesn't even remember saying or "didn't mean". He wants to start over and he recognizes he is at fault and addicted to pornography which he has been struggling with since before he met me and is making progress and is in therapy. But I still don't think I should forgive him...right?

Now, I am confused about what even is a healthy fight versus unacceptable. Can a man ever call you selfish or lazy for example? In the heat of the moment and then apologize? I spoke to women in my life and they said in their marriages they "bickered", for example, who should do the dishes, but your character/values/essence itself should not be insulted. Is this true? What do you forgive and what do you not?