I still send essays

Jinxhourglass · 2020-08-08T03:26:58+00:00

When you block him

Sage_Planter · 2020-08-08T03:58:51+00:00

Have you looked at the grey rock technique? If not, you should do some research on it to find a good way to communicate regarding co-parenting.

Moving forward, try to remove emotion from the situation. It will be hard. You know your ex doesn't care and will never see your perspective regardless of how many times you try. Pretend you and your ex are now coworkers working on a very important project and treat him as such. Be civil, but there's no need to be friends or bring unnecessary emotion into any of it. You wouldn't send your coworker huge, dramatic paragraphs about a fumble on a project. Don't do that with your ex.

Writing paragraph after paragraph is not worth your time and effort. Invest your time and effort into things that make you happy, not upset. Only communicate over what's absolutely necessary, and it will make your life so much easier.

MakeURegret · 2020-08-08T04:02:25+00:00

There is a good exercise that I think you should try from the book: The Charisma Myth.

For people who you know you’ll never get an apology from, but you still have to deal with them and/or their actions still weigh on you.

What you do is you write out a letter “to them” (don’t actually send it to them) listing all the bad things they did, all the ways they mistreated you, etc. Next, you write a response “from them” (you’re writing it as if you were them) here you have them write out the perfect apology. Everything you wish they would say, but they never will.

Then you read and re-read that apology letter over and over until all this past issues start to hurt less.

It’s a helpful way to trick your brain into getting that “closure” it will never get. I recommend reading the book to get more depth on the exercise, and also it’s a really good book.

I think if you can get over that initial underlying hurt, it will be easier to deal with all the micro-pains of having to have continuing interactions. Hopefully you’ll be able to detach and gray-rocking well become easier.

bysarahwithlove · 2020-08-08T03:54:20+00:00

Being heard never stops being important, but even more important is understanding how to use your voice productively. We all have limited energy; it’s of paramount importance that you learn to use your energy wisely.

There will be times where you say something to someone who is truly listening. These are the people you need to be mentally healthy. Purge the people who don’t and surround yourself with people who do. On an intimate level, you have the power to choose who is close to you. Grey rock or cut off the rest.

There will be times where you say something to someone who isn’t listening, because there are people nearby who are. Sometimes that’s productive, for example, in specific situations where you’re setting an example for a child, or a politician giving a speech to a mixed audience.

There will be times when you say something to someone who isn’t listening, because you need to say it for yourself. Those times are rare, and should leave you feeling relieved, not anxious, regardless of the non-listener.

And then there will be times like this — when you feel the need to say something, but no one receptive is around to hear it, and the only result in doing so is digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole of disrespect, essentially setting your precious energy up in flames. At best, useless; at worst, harmful to your boundaries and self-esteem.

When you start feeling that anxiety, STOP. Ask yourself if this is benefiting you in any way. Fully accept that this person has shown you they are never going to change, they do not respect you, they do not see your value at no fault of your own. Ask yourself what you could better be using that time and energy for, and go do that before you can count to five. Do not respond right away for any reason, save for medical emergencies. Chances are, if you give it a few hours or sleep on it, the urge to respond will settle and you won’t need to respond at all. Harness that anxious energy into doing something that DOES bring relief, like painting or music or whatever it is that does that for you.

These things take practice. Don’t cut yourself any slack to slip back into old ways, but forgive yourself for fucking up if it happens. Bad habits are hard to break, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. The most important step is continuing when you stumble. Like a diet, don’t let an extra twinkie today be the reason you give up tomorrow. Progress isn’t always linear. Keep. Going.

neuronarc · 2020-08-08T03:42:58+00:00

Maybe try keeping a diary? An online one or app with a password for additional security. It’s really cathartic to get the thoughts out and heightens awareness for red flags when dating new people. It’s a coping mechanism I wish I had implemented earlier in life

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-08-08T04:48:07+00:00

Check out Tina Swithin on YouTube and look up her “yellow rock” video. Pure gold.

I too have children with someone who id rather have no contact with.

Your court order are your legal boundaries. With a difficult person, you do not get the luxury of flexing on this. You stick with it TO THE LETTER. You give an inch, he will take a mile.

The best thing you can realize is: HE DOENST CARE. He does not give a single fuck about your reasonings. Or if it’s a good idea. Not one.

I would encourage setting EXTREMELY STRICT, communication boundaries. If he constantly texts you, you need to switch him to emails only so you can check it at your convenience and he doesn’t get to control you by blowing up your phone with BS. You do this by texting AND emailing him, that all further communication, barring emergencies, must be emailed. Then, every time he texts you, screen shot it, attach it to an email, and respond via email.

Put him on silent on your phone. He does need to be able to text in case of an actual emergency.

In most states, once you clearly communicate with someone how they are allowed to communicate with you, any contact outside of that can be considered harassment. It varies by state what sorts of behavior you can actually get a restraining order for.

If you have ANY other questions on this topic, I will help you, don’t hesitate to DM. I have become the yellow rock queen, and it has made my life MUCH better.

WingLate · 2020-08-08T03:48:01+00:00

All that matters is that you hear yourself. He clearly won’t change. So will you read what you write, listen to what she’s saying, and take the right course of action? You need to be a partner to yourself and get out fast (block and disappear) or make an escape plan.

FWIW writing essays is a great way to work through and process your emotions. I say keep writing them. But stop sending them to him. He’s not using them right. He’s probably getting off to your pain. These essays should be solely for you. Write those essays, pour your heart out, and save them in a Notes app. Don’t send them. Then look back at all the essays you’ve written. See how shitty it is? See how it never changes? Those essays should be for you, not him. Write, process, and get out.

Incredible_Alligator · 2020-08-08T04:26:09+00:00

I wrote these to my ex too, but I didn't send them. I needed to get them out, so I typed them out on my phone. Finished. Closed it. After a few weeks I'd look through them and delete them. Eventually I quit entirely.

Maybe still write them out, because it's cathartic, but don't actually send them.

2020-08-08T06:53:49+00:00

when you find other things more important. when you realize you degrade yourself (and by extension, your soul) doing this. I hope you can find that inner strength.

eveninghope · 2020-08-08T12:41:30+00:00

Ok, remind yourself that he doesn't give a shit. You're putting energy into something that YOU GET NOTHING OUT OF. He's not listening to you anyway. In fact, I assure you it makes him respect you less. He's going to think you're annoying/crazy. (You're not, it's LVM logic.) Save yourself.

travelingmathlete · 2020-08-08T17:00:53+00:00

Do you want to be heard? Or just need to express yourself? I have the same urges/tendencies but have adopted the “write a letter I’ll never send” policy. I get all the feelings out and say everything I need to and put it in a pile to mail later. I find writing by hand more therapeutic. When I was going through my divorce I did the same but as emails I saved as draft (just like Katy Perry). Maybe try that route because I imagine anything you say at this point isn’t going to change him.

Title	I still send essays
Author	idlecrisis
Upvotes	39
Comments	15
Date	August 8, 2020 3:26 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i5s4p1/i_still_send_essays/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-still-send-essays.723876 https://theredarchive.com/post/723876

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