I just ended things with a guy I’ve been seeing for a few months. While I am a bit upset I’m not broken. Even though it didn’t lead to a committed relationship I am very appreciative of the experience. I wish I had the balls to date this way in my 20s - I could’ve saved myself a lot of time, tears, and heartache along the way.

As someone who came up in the olden days of the online dating era (I’m 36) I am very much over it. The concept of meeting men on the internet both scares and bores me at the same time. I didn’t realize how bored I was until I got on hinge and bumble last fall and just felt totally deflated. As someone who has an online business and a social media following for said business, I am wary of too many buzzwords and I feel that is all OLD has to offer. So I made a mental and conscious effort to flirt more in person and to be more receptive to men who I knew in passing or had already been connected to via professional or business circles.

I ended up going out with two men who I knew through work/professional connections. One was a man who I had met in a class I took about 5 years ago and the other was a fellow crew member on a gig I was on at the time. I feel like OLD has socially crippled me in a way because I felt like I was relearning men all over again. This time around I was more focused on determining if these men were worth my time over trying to impress them at all. My internal monologue was - “I’m pretty impressive my damn self, I have a nice life and I am happy with where I am. I deserve to be adored.”

Some issues that I can see better in hindsight:

Try to find men who are on your level (emotionally, financially/career wise, physically, etc) This can be a challenge if you are a very multifaceted person and/or if you’re highly ambitious. At the very least don’t date down. Ever. You determine what “dating down” is for you and do your best to avoid it. I made the mistake of dating a crew member who was in an entry-level position, which isn’t bad in and of itself, but after getting to know him I realized we had been in the industry for about the same length of time and he was still entry-level. In my industry, a lot of us who had entry-level positions typically had more than one hustle cause the day rate is barely enough to live on. This man was content making what he was making and after dating him for a short time I realized he just didn’t have too many aspirations besides growing weed and smoking it. Instant attraction killer!

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You control the pace but let the man take the lead. He should be the one pushing to see you, making time for you, initiating contact, paying/planning the dates, etc. If you like a man without any investment on his part it is easy to exploit your feelings for him. Get clear with yourself about how you feel about this man and what you know of him to justify these feelings. Simply being attracted is not enough! A lot of men may find you attractive but how many of them are going to put in the effort to get to know you while respecting your boundaries? That is very important.

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Also, don’t get caught up in constant communication. Don’t be on the phone for hours on end if you aren’t in a committed relationship. Your attention is everything! Your time is valuable! If he wants to speak to you that frequently he should be taking you out. Y’all can have lovely chats over dinner (not coffee or drinks). Don’t get caught up in constantly texting either. A quick text to say thank you for a lovely date or to just check in to see how their week is going is fine. Save the constant communication for your friends and loved ones. These men aren’t your friends.

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Lastly, porn is really the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to dating. I hadn’t been sexually active in almost 2 years when I started dating these two men. I hadn’t been in a relationship for close to 4 years either. Date #1 and I got intimate a few months back (before I was super turned off by his lack of ambition) and it was horrifying! It was so bad I had to have a conference with him the next day to ask “what the fuck was that?!” He did all types of BDSM shit that I never consented to, he was super rough, I felt so cheap, and honestly, I was terrified. I had never had someone treat me like that in bed and it made me worry. His explanation? “My ex let me do everything to her so I’m sorry but that is what I’m used to.” I WAS DISGUSTED. I don’t doubt there are women who enjoy BDSM but it sounded like a lie and felt like I was being gaslit. It gave big-time porn-sick vibes. I do not need to be slapped in the face, spoken to like a porn star, spit on, none of that. I’ve been sexually active since I was 15 - I have never needed any of that to get off and I have never had a man pull no shit like that with me. Ever! I refuse to believe this is what’s passing for sex out here. Fuck that.

Date #2 spent more time courting me but sadly, the end result was the same. While he was very gentle and attentive to me in bed (after almost 5 months of dating, we only kissed 4 months in) when it came time to “do the do” he couldn’t finish. He finally admitted that he had been abstaining from porn since we had started dating but had recently started watching it again. I was this close to telling him that he couldn’t watch porn and sleep with me but a week later we ended up breaking things off because he said he wanted to continue to date and sleep with other people. He admitted to being very inexperienced and feeling insecure about this. I do believe if he wasn’t watching porn we could have had a better time together but that’s not my problem tbh. Porn is ruining men's brains, their sex drives, and their ability to see us as whole people. I kind of feel sad because I know that porn is so normalized that looking for a man who doesn’t watch porn is damn near impossible these days.

All in all, I consider both of these experiences to be a success. Why? I was able to observe myself and my dates critically and objectively. I had vastly different encounters with them (one was my usual “type” and the other was not). I didn’t let fear or loneliness control my dating experience; when I realized I wasn’t getting what I wanted/needed I fell back and ended things. It was also good for me to re-evaluate what I was attracted to, what I enjoy about dating, and what I truly would like in a partner. Even if neither of these men made the cut, it is still good field data and I did not internalize their shortcomings as I used to. Growth and self-esteem, for the win!

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Now that spring is coming I'm. really excited to tackle my 2nd quarter goals, continue improving myself, and possibly meet some more potential dates while doing activities I enjoy.

I will not be returning to OLD.