Women, how should men open up emotionally?

lurfly · 2015-08-08T00:00:04+00:00

I tried to explain this in another thread, its not about what you do, its about your mental state.

People with healthy emotions will be able to express those emotions without giving off vibes of mental instability.

If expressing your emotions is turning off women, or if you feel incapable of dealing with emotion properly, the answer is not to bottle it up and hide it to maintain a masculine facade. The answer is to seek help from a mental health professional.

When you experience healthy emotions, women perceive this as healthy and it is a positive thing. If you experience unhealthy emotions, women will perceive it as unhealthy and will view it as a negative thing. If you hide your emotions, women will be left to guess (which is why this can be more successful but is not good for you in the long run).

Reactions will vary if you express unhealthy emotion, some women will lose attraction, others will attempt to help, others will encourage you to seek help, and others will accept how you are. This will all vary based on the woman and the extent of the emotional instability.

With honesty. That about sums it up but I can go into detail if someone thinks this is a cop out answer.
No.
My current SO opened up about a bit of physical abuse in his past. He was visibly upset and sad at the time, I don't remember if he cried. He told me the stories and I listened and provided support. He appreciated being able to share what happened and hear another perspective on it. His emotions were in line with what I would have expected and he had healed a good amount (but had not made himself numb to his past). We hugged and that was that.

LamiaQueen · 2015-08-08T01:14:43+00:00

Hoo boy, this is a juicy one. Going to preface all this with a big THIS IS MY OPINION disclaimer.

Men should open up emotionally like they're granting you a gift, and that's what I think it should be. A gift that will draw you closer. It shouldn't be given too much, it shouldn't be given too little. Just the right amount. How much is the right amount? I have no clue, sorry not sorry. I think it would vary with the people involved.
There aren't really things I don't think a man should be open with, I just don't think men should always be open. Open is super boring, but when it feels like pulling teeth to get any sort of information out it makes you feel like the winner when a man shares things with you.
I do have one horror story. First date with a guy, I get tipsy and just sorta listen as he tells me his entire life story. I'm thinking "Wow, this is super boring but whatever. Maybe he just needs to get it off his chest." I didn't know this guy, why he felt the need to tell me everything bad that happened to him I don't know. He mentioned something about wanting full disclosure maybe? Anyways, that stupid alcohol blurred all my memories, and I agreed to go out with him again. I should have trusted my instincts and run, because he acted like a child who wanted a mother.

In contrast, a guy who hardly ever tells me stuff about himself and makes me pry information out of him would unfortunately be like Mt. Everest. I have to climb that to win. It's the challenge, and feeling special when a man treats you differently from other women. If a man like that had told me the exact same story as the other one I would have been supportive, because I would know that the information he was giving was important and needed to be protected and he needed comforting. It would be a man opening up with a woman, not a boy looking for an apron to hide behind.

hippydipster · 2015-08-08T01:40:43+00:00

If there's a should and a shouldn't to "opening up", the game is already lost.

Cronyx · 2015-08-08T02:35:33+00:00

So far the discussion here has been about revealing negative emotions, showing weakness. How about strong emotions, like happiness, excitement, desire?

And I'm not a woman, but I'll contribute my datapoint to the original question, FWIW. I once told an ex that I had been experiencing some suicidal ideation. I was going through a really horrible time and just wondered why I should bother to continue on. Looking for some support I guess. I wasn't particularly out of control, emotionally - I'm generally pretty stoic and there was no sobbing, whining and wailing involved - but I did show complete vulnerability to her at that point, fully opened the window on to a deep chasm of unhappiness in my soul. She dumped me within a few days, wasn't feeling it anymore.

My current marriage also works a lot better if I just keep any deeper emotions to myself. I think the issue is support, not the emotion itself: if I'm injured (emotionally or physically) and my wife starts feeling that she has to support me rather than me support her, which I think she sees as the natural order of things, then she gets antsy. She's said as much explicitly before, so I'm not really guessing here. Same with scary ideas generally, things that test her comfort level with the universe - these make her withdraw, and if I've introduced them, withdraw from me until I pacify her again by demonstrating strength and ability to impose order on an unruly universe. There's a standard model of "how the world should work" and if I take steps to keep that running smoothly, all is well, she gets what she wants and I get some of what I want. No sinister plot involved, it's just how life works I think.

BaadKitteh · 2015-08-08T00:43:08+00:00

1) I don't think we can "get men to open up emotionally" if they don't want to; trying to force that kind of thing is useless. It will end in a fight or dishonesty as the guy tries to get you to leave him alone. If you need a man who is more emotionally available, go find one. They don't all act like they are made of stone.

2) No, I'm happy to hear and empathize with anything he might want to tell me. I would not pry for things he doesn't. I do not feel put off or disgusted by men who admit to having feelings.

3) Not anything I can immediately bring to mind, but that's because I'm not really the confidant type that most people are seeking when they want to vent- I won't jump on your bandwagon and hate whomever you hate or wallow in your misery with you. I'm more likely to try to buy you a drink and take your mind off it if you're having a pity party. People who want honest feedback when they're upset are pretty rare.

nomdplume · 2015-08-07T22:59:16+00:00

I personally don't like talking about what other women want , because I don't believe all women universally have the same preferences .

I would prefer to meet someone who is more rational than emotional but now that I think about it , my first boyfriend was more of an emotional type . He was getting angry way too easily and he would take things too personally . My father is also like that now that i think about it . I couldn't really talk about my own emotions to him because a)he was very sarcastic and insensitive , b)in real life I'm not very emotionally open and he didn't really talk about him emotions either . He just expressed his emotions which is a very normal thing and I would never mind it .

If I had a boyfriend now and he wanted to "open up" , I would have no problem with it. I wouldn't want someone who just whines and cries all the time , but I think it's very cute when men occasionally show a sensitive and vulnerable side.

Do you have anecdotes about a man opening up to you and how you reacted? Both positive and negative stories are welcome.

Not with boyfriends , but I have seen my father (who is actually more of an alpha) crying and opening up ,it really touched my heart and it's probably one of my favorite experiences with my dad .

Xemnas81 · 2015-08-07T23:40:18+00:00

How should men (SOs or friends) open up emotionally?

I haven't personally seen men having a problem opening up emotionally.

Are there things you don't want a man to open up about emotionally?

No.

I think it's sweet if a guy cries during a sad movie (I almost never cry, but I think it's cute if he does). If he's scared of something happening, I want him to share. If he's depressed, I want him to tell me. None of these things would damage my relationship with a guy. It would only bring us closer.

But in a relationship, I want and need a guy who is at least as emotionally strong as me. So, emotions such as strong jealousy, being angry all the time, being sad all the time, feeling inferior a lot, feeling afraid of risk - these things are all alien to me. I couldn't cope sharing my life with someone who feels these emotions on a regular basis. (I'm not counting periods of depression etc, which is something else again, and I'd be more than willing to stay and work through something like this.)

From the outset, I don't want to be with someone who is constantly rocked by the emotions as outlined above. It wouldn't help for the guy to hide it, because either he'd end up exploding or he'd become some kind of robot.

Do you have anecdotes about a man opening up to you and how you reacted? Both positive and negative stories are welcome.

Yes. Telling me about suicide attempts - two different men. One a friend, who eventually did commit suicide - right at the time he had everything he ever wanted, including the love of a beautiful woman (who was not only beautiful to look at, but a wonderful person), and I keep in contact with her still.

My friend was in denial that he ever would really commit suicide, but I was worried about him as he'd had other male members of his family commit suicide over the years and he's had a very rough time growing up. I tried to help him and provide support, and when he met the love of his life (whom he did truly love) I thought things were going to turn around for him. I know now that love is not always enough to fill the hollow spaces left in your mind by childhood.

[deleted] · 2015-08-08T03:36:58+00:00

For most women only when she opened up about something similar. It creates an emotional connection and it's hard to reject the man after establishing it.
Child molestation. It would be weird to randomly think of it when having sex with him.
A past boyfriend told me about his weight struggle and the pressure he was under taking care of his younger brothers. I thought him stepping up to the plate to take care his family was attractive. My current boyfriend's ex-fiance cheated on and dumped him. He thought of suicide. My attraction didn't lessen either when finding out about it. He cried a little when telling me.

I_TRY_TO_BE_POSITIVE · 2015-08-09T00:55:18+00:00

Someone else touched on it and I wanted to expand: Women (in my experience) are just as emotionally secretive as men, just not with the surface-level stuff that expected from girls.

nomdplume · 2015-08-07T23:04:14+00:00

Both positive and negative stories are welcome.

I may wind up pleasantly surprised, but do you really think anyone is going to cop to "Yeah, I know I was supposed to be emotionally supportive, but blech - what a whiny-ass loser…"

Women will contend that men should be emotionally open and vulnerable, and men will contend that it gets them into trouble (all of sudden, I'm thinking of the couples therapy scene in "Old School", lol…"What? I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?).

That's the way of the world.

LeaneGenova · 2015-08-08T02:22:30+00:00

How should men (SOs or friends) open up emotionally?

Like an adult, to be honest. This means having reflected on their emotions, trying to understand where they came from and why they feel the way they do. If they haven't figured it out yet, I'm happy to be part of the process, but emotions should be expressed calmly and levelly.

Screaming, shouting and physical reactions aren't helpful, and I don't appreciate them. If someone expresses their emotions that way, I'll explain that I will come back once they are calm, and I will be happy to talk then. And then I walk away.

Are there things you don't want a man to open up about emotionally?

In my SO? No. In random guys or friends? Sure. I'd rather not know every sordid detail of their lives, to be honest. But in my SO, I want to know pretty much everything. We value honesty above everything else, so him not disclosing is a violation of our relationship - his rule, which I've since adopted.

Now, in the interests of full disclosure, just because I want to know everything doesn't mean I'm always in a state where I can be very useful. There are times I think, "Ugh. More of this crap" which is incredibly unfair. But part of being an adult is setting aside your own emotions so that you can help others. So I do that, and I know that later, he'll do the same for me.

Do you have anecdotes about a man opening up to you and how you reacted? Both positive and negative stories are welcome.

When I first started dating my SO, I wasn't aware that he had PTSD. A few months in (maybe 6-ish months?) he broke down and sobbed in my arms for hours. It was one of the most emotionally intimate moments of my life, and nearly a decade later, I remember that night clearly. I respect him so much for being open, and I can't imagine anything different.

And again, I'll admit there are times where I handle him sharing his emotions very poorly. I'm not perfect, and I'll admit to having said things I regret. But those are my failings, not his. Him sharing his emotions is not the cause of my inability to control myself.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-08-07T23:38:03+00:00

Opening up doesn't necessarily mean crying or shouting; which can be confronting, but more letting people know when you are bothered and why.

I had a teenaged boy student burst into tears when I told him off once (he climbed on a roof to retrieve a football and I told him to get down before he fell down, so it was hardly a dressing down), which was very awkward. I don't really like tears or overt displays of emotion, especially unexpected ones. I would much rather someone (anyone) told me that they were struggling before they lost it sufficiently to turn on the waterworks.

redmachines · 2015-08-08T16:10:18+00:00

Are we supposed to pretend that women know how to open up? They are just as annoying as men but men aren't going to tell them because they want to sleep with them. It is easy for a woman to find a replacement emotional tampon as long as she continue to dangle her body as bait.

Title	Women, how should men open up emotionally?
Author	GuitarsAreGettingOld
Upvotes	4
Comments	65
Date	August 7, 2015 10:38 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3g6lws/women_how_should_men_open_up_emotionally/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-how-should-men-open-up-emotionally.280435 https://theredarchive.com/post/280435

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