boyfriend keeps giving me mixed signals and criticizing people for wanting to settle down at an "early" age, we're still new, am I overthinking ?

Blue_Echoe · 2024-05-04T10:49:44+00:00

My bf and I are the same age as you. We talked about having kids very early (2 months-ish) and he mentionned proposing several times in a couple years at 3-4 months into the relationship.

An adult knows what they wants early on, clarify that with him and be careful taking the risk to wait 10 years for nothing in the end and having to start over at 30yo.

yktvvvvvvvvvv · 2024-05-04T10:33:15+00:00

It’s important to factor in whether you want children and at what age. I also don’t think it’s ever too early to discuss marriage, not necessarily explaining that you want to get married to the individual but speaking about your ideal timeline for marriage and children and your desire to be a wife.

Men that are marriage minded will absolutely agree. I told my partner on our 3rd day of speaking that I am interested in dating for marriage purposes only, rather than just to get dating experience or date casually. He absolutely agreed and we moved forward with the same goal in mind.

Another person let me know they never were interested in marriage. I kindly said ‘thank you for letting me know but I don’t think this will work because I want marriage’. He wasn’t happy but I stood by my desire. He called me the next day and said he had thought it over and would rather marry me than lose me.

Men might say one thing and then as soon as they meet their dream girl, they do a 180 because they’ll do anything to keep her.

You don’t want to be one of those women that spend 5-10 years with a man waiting bitterly for an engagement when that man made it clear from the beginning that he was not interested.

My advice would be to state your desire kindly. He is not wrong for his belief but you two just might not be compatible.

If you’re not comfortable with that, why not ask him his future goals or 5-year plan?

You’re lucky it’s 4 months and not 4 years.

Nerdslayer2 · 2024-05-04T15:45:51+00:00

From everything you wrote, it doesn't seem like mixed signals, just a clear signal of "I don't want to get married anytime soon." Has he said things that contradict this that you didn't mention?

Twilight_Rose99 · 2024-05-04T15:00:08+00:00

With respect, he’s telling you exactly what kind of a person he is and what he wants. If that doesn’t align with what you want then you have to make your own decisions about how to proceed. Do you also want to wait that long/possibly never get married? Or do you want to be with someone who wants marriage and wants it earlier?

sashac10 · 2024-05-04T10:32:09+00:00

Take this as general advice for relationships moving forward. A relationship is between two people and works when both want the same things. If marriage is something that is important to you and your current partner is not on the same page with that then you’re with the wrong person. Ofc people can change and some get together initially not thinking of marriage but eventually settle down. Every situation is unique. 4 months in is possibly a tad too early to decide if the person you’re with is gonna be your future spouse but if he’s dismissive of this desire then he’s not suited for you. I know someone who was the same and would often dismiss his gfs wish to get married as “you’re obsessed with getting married” they broke up after almost a decade and he married someone within a year of that. You’re still too young to decide on marriage but if it’s something you def want and your partner is not supportive of it then you should dump him and focus on living your best life. The right man will never make you feel guilty for wanting the things you want.

willowmurmur · 2024-05-04T15:15:06+00:00

to not being bothered if he never marries

Sorry but this could indeed be telling you something. I personally think 4 months isn't early at all to talk about it, In fact I believe more people should be talking about serious subjects early on. I mean, if marriage is very important to you I would suggest mentioning it as soon as possible.
My husband and I talked about it on our very first date, he was 29 and I was 24. When people are looking for marriage and a family, I strongly hold the opinion that they should intentionally date, that is, put the things clear on the table from the very beginning.
You both are young, but old enough to know what you want in a relationship and have a time frame in which you would like to achieve certain things.

Jenneapolis · 2024-05-04T16:02:57+00:00

If I were you, the next time this comes up I would tell him what you want for your life. Not asking him what he wants with you, and not you saying what you want with him, but instead making a statement about yourself. E.g. “My plan is to have kids before I’m 30 and I would like to be married at least two years before I have kids” or “For me, two years of dating is long enough for a couple to decide if they are going to marry or not” or whatever it is. Maybe he will respond, maybe not, but either way you start by telling him what your plan is.

Four months is not too early to do that. I do also think you should ask him when he makes his statements why he feels that way. Whether it’s 30 or 35 or never, just say why do you feel that way? Don’t argue with it, just ask.

I’ve been in lots of relationships at your age and throughout my 30s where the topic has come up and I really do believe guys who want to be married know and make it known. You can just tell by everything they say and do that it’s what they want, there is no waffling. This is not to say the guys who are waffling cannot be convinced, but you should go in knowing which type of guy you are dealing with.

There are other guys who says something like “I would like to be married and have kids one day”… but they generally aren’t serious if they don’t have a plan and see it more as a pipe dream or status symbol than something they are seriously working toward.

NationalMouse · 2024-05-04T15:33:02+00:00

I would 100% take this as a bad sign/red flag. A real man knows what he wants and if he’s sending mixed messages there’s no point in wasting time trying to figure anything out when he obviously doesn’t have anything figured out himself. You’re lucky you’re so young and are learning this now before you waste years on men who never figure it out and try to confuse you.

Visible-Roll-5801 · 2024-05-04T18:23:22+00:00

Take his words seriously. Unfortunately I love to only take seriously the words that benefit me but wisdom is listening to all of them.

StoisticStruggle · 2024-05-04T22:49:56+00:00

He's not "subtly signaling". He's telling you this isn't happening.

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theevilhillbilly · 2024-05-04T18:00:52+00:00

It sounds like he is giving you clear signals that he doesn't want to marry anytime soon.

If you are okay with that then stay but if not I would look for someone else tbh.

AutoModerator · 2024-05-04T10:18:27+00:00

Title: boyfriend keeps giving me mixed signals and criticizing people for wanting to settle down at an "early" age, we're still new, am I overthinking ?

Author tr1shylol

Full text: I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months, having known him for 8, so we're still quite new. While I haven't been actively waiting to get married, I feel like my situation relates to discussions on this topic.

I'm 23 and he's 27 , I genuinely believe I've found my soulmate in him. Marriage feels like a big possibility in our future, though it's too early to discuss the subject. However, he's been giving mixed signals.

On different occasions, he's mentioned varying ages for marriage, from wanting to wait until he's 30, to 35 like his father, to not being bothered if he never marries. He shares these thoughts randomly, as I haven't asked about his timeline given our short time together.

Recently, when I mentioned my friend's breakup due to a lack of engagement after 4 years, he criticized her desire for marriage and children at a young age. This made me question if he's subtly signaling that he's not interested in marriage at all, potentially so he can later say "I told you so" if I bring up engagement.

It's hard to judge this early in the relationship, and I don't want to overthink or prematurely end things. But if my intuition is correct, it might be better to end it now then invest more in a relationship that is not going to last.

After all, as the saying goes, don't let your boyfriend keep you from finding your husband.

how should I proceed ?

TL;DR: After 4 months, my boyfriend's mixed signals about marriage and criticism of my friend's desire for commitment have me questioning our future together.

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Title	boyfriend keeps giving me mixed signals and criticizing people for wanting to settle down at an "early" age, we're still new, am I overthinking ?
Author	tr1shylol
Upvotes	15
Comments	14
Date	May 4, 2024 10:18 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1cjx21w/boyfriend_keeps_giving_me_mixed_signals_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-keeps-giving-me-mixed-signals-and.1517381 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517381

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