FYI: I'm a regular/flaired poster here, however my husband is a redditor and I'd like to be discrete.

Here's the short of it: I'm (25) losing attraction to my husband (26), despite having zero issue with anything in our relationship. He works hard at a great job (we are both full time employed, no children), we have a lovely home together, no financial struggles, he takes charge over the important decisions in our lives, and handles all of our business with ease (he is highly intelligent and capable). Yet more often than not, I almost never want to have sex...

  1. What is the problem? (Neutral phrasing: use words like "we," and "our" so that you aren't trying to off-load problems at your SO's feet when there's actually plenty of blame to go around)

I'm almost never in the mood for sex. The drive is just not there. As of a few months ago (thanks to advice here), I've made a rule for myself to never turn him down when he expresses interest in sex. But this is something I've had to work on, as I used to simply choose not take his hint. I believe he struggles with being direct about his intentions for fear that I will reject him, as I unfortunately established this precedent early on in the relationship (3 years ago). I try to initiate sometimes to compensate, but I only manage to do this perhaps once a week. I know in his perfect world, we would have sex every day. But this is impossible because he's very well endowed and I require at least a day between most sessions to heal, because he tears me down there (regardless of amount of lube used, pace, etc... we've tried it all), and if I don't allow myself to heal, sex is excruciating. I think this impacts my motivation as well because I'm afraid of the pain afterwards (urination is almost unbearable for a few hours after).

All in all, we end up having sex around 3 times each week. I know my husband wants more, and I want to give it to him, yet my sex drive is almost zero.

  1. What are your faults? How have you contributed to the creation of these issues?

As I stated, I have almost zero desire for sex. I frequently have to mentally pep-talk myself into having sex. I think this is due to a combination of my fear of pain from sex, as well as a very low sex drive.

  1. Why do you think this (these) problem(s) manifested?

I'm not entirely sure. I know I've always been this way. After a few months into a relationship, my sex drive drops off. It seems like the typical AF/BB scenario - once I've secured my BB, desire for sex disappears.

My past LTRs have been with complete betas. My husband, however, is unlike them. One of the main things that attracted me to him in the first place is that he put himself first. He works out, works very hard in his career, and has hobbies. However, as I got to know him, some beta tendencies came to light. He is very focused on making sure I'm happy and giving me what I want - supplicating is a good word. But when I'm being absurd, he isn't afraid to put his foot down and tell me what's best, and I follow his direction. He doesn't bend hand and foot to me, and he makes sure I carry my weight. He seems to be the perfect husband - a blend of AF/BB tendencies. But I can't help but suspect that perhaps BB is tipping the scale at the moment. He's currently in a rigorous program for his job that leaves him almost 0 time to work out, so his physique has deteriorated a bit. I don't think I'm that shallow, but all signs seem to indicate I am. Attraction is non-negotiable, I know.

  1. What steps have you already taken to try and resolve the problem?

I've made a point to never turn him down when he expresses interest in sex, and I've stuck to it. But he'll only clearly express interest maybe 2-3 times a week. I've tried to compensate by forcing myself to initiate about once a week, but we still only end up having sex around 3 times per week.

  1. How long has this been an issue?

About 1.5 years.

  1. Are you making a mountain out of a mole-hill? If a woman you really despised came to you with this issue, would you still think it's a legitimate concern? Or would you tell her she's throwing things out of proportion?

I honestly don't know. I know there are men in dead-bedroom marriages who would kill to have sex 3 times per week. But that's not the standard I'm holding myself to - I hold myself to my husband's standard, which is 5+ times per week.

  1. How's your bedroom life right now? Are you taking care of his needs emotionally and physically?

Not as well as we would like.

At this point I want to know what I can do to encourage him to initiate more often. I try to initiate, but I often feel I come off as insincere, which is obviously depressing. When he takes command and control, I get turned on and it's no issue from there. But I feel like he's still afraid of rejection, which causes him to be hesitant when initiating, and this is a big turn-off to me.

I've considered just straight telling him to aggressively initiate, but I don't know if this is the right approach. Any insight/advice would be wonderful.