There are 3 types of vocal tonality: Rapport Seeking, Rapport Neutral, and Rapport Breaking.

I want to talk about Rapport Seeking:

This is the tone you often hear when people ask a stranger a question. “Excuse me, do you have the time?” It’s disarming. You want to make sure the stranger feels comfortable with you approaching them on the street, so you’re basically raising the pitch of your voice to subtly say “Hey stranger, I am of no harm to you, please don’t be afraid as I approach.”

This is a safe and recommended tone for women to use. In fact, if you’re anything like me and were raised by a single mom, then you probably don’t even realize that you replicate this tone in social situations.

My mother spoke to us children in her neutral voice, but the moment the phone rang, she would answer with her rapport seeking tone. The same would happen when she spoke to a stranger (the waiter, post office clerk, people at the bus stop, my teachers, etc.). Literally every person she encountered, my mother’s tone would raise and without realizing it, I grew up doing the same thing.

This tone is crippling for a man. You are conveying that you are lower status. People pick up on the cue and act accordingly. If you don’t believe me, the next time you are having a conversation with someone, male or female, take note of their tone as the conversation progresses. If you are speaking to them in a rapport seeking tone, they will change their tone in response. Your tone is saying, “I am lower status than you, please be kind to me, I am harmless.” They will change their tone to a more rapport breaking (Higher status) tone. This won’t even be a conscious shift. It just happens because people naturally pick up on social cues and nonverbal communications.

Learning this was unbelievably eye-opening for me. I saw a YouTube video a few years ago about vocal tones (I'm aware the red pill covers this, but that isn't where I originally learned about tonality) and then I began noticing mine when I spoke. Awareness is the first step to change. Then it's time to take responsibility. I could’ve blamed my mother, but instead, I grabbed the wheel and took responsibility for making the change. It was awkward at first because I had to literally correct myself mid-sentence, “Hi!” (Rapport seeking tone) *ahem* “Hey, how are you?” (Rapport Neutral)

The first female I tried this on was a cashier I saw multiple times a week. Usually, she didn’t even look up at me during our transaction. However, just simply changing my tone of voice to a Rapport Neutral (and eventually I mixed in some Rapport Breaking), she not only made eye contact with me the entire time, but her voice tone went from Rapport Breaking to Rapport Seeking towards me. Soon, she would greet me as I stood in line, and our small-talk was much more comfortable.

I began applying it to every conversation I had, no matter who I spoke to. Males that I used to feel were kind of dicks towards me either accepted me as their equal, or even flipped the script and began speaking to me in a rapport seeking tone. Even my female boss now speaks to me in a rapport seeking tone (That one was a surprising shift at first).

Check your tone of voice. If you’re seeking rapport from others, bring that pitch down to a neutral place (the tone you speak in when talking to your friends) and even learn when to mix in some rapport breaking tones to raise your status. You will be surprised at how much it changes your life.