Narratives

There is not a lot of digging into our past or upbringing issues here as the path forward is pretty much the same whether your childhood was heaven, hell or somewhere in between. But there is a portion of this that was relevant to me in my journey out of beta hell that held a lot of value that may be worthwhile for those of you who are earlier in and taking this process seriously. I didn’t really touch on it during my stretch of OYS’ing because it didn’t really click until later in my journey.

Kind of like Glover goes into, we are egocentric early in our childhood development. Everything that happens around us seems to be a function of ourselves, rather than outside forces. So when something happens that’s awesome, you think of how awesome you are, which was cool. But there is a fair to good chance that you also had some instances happen that were uncomfortable, unfair or even devastating. Well, that sucks, because in that instance, you probably interpreted it in an egocentric way - an interpretation that most likely was not true but seemed true at the time. And perception can become your reality. This sets into motion a narrative you tell yourself. Following that, there were probably more things that happened that you perceived to confirm that narrative, whether it was true or not. Without realizing it, it became a subconscious narrative that would run like a background operating system in a computer. Most men never get that introspective to even know it’s there, let alone confront it and deconstruct it.

So, to make this make a little more sense, I only know how to relate how this happened with me. This isn't so much about me, just the best way I know to how write how it may have played out for you. Anyway, I had a couple of instances that I don’t need to go into here because the specifics are irrelevant and you don’t give a shit. But it started a narrative without me realizing it that said, “I fucked this up. I am a fuck up.” I internalized that useless interpretation as a kid without realizing it. My dad was self-absorbed, harsh and really paid little attention to me unless I broke his boundaries. Then I would get in trouble and he had no issue punishing me in however he saw fit. And then he would go back to paying no attention to me even if I tried to connect in my various ways - which were unsuccessful. So another layer was set in my subconscious narrative, “I’m irrelevant and always in the way.”

So what? you ask. At our ages? Get over it, nut up and be a man. We all have our shit and the path out is always the same: Lift, STFU, read, build frame, self-validate and build your own life of abundance. I agree with this BUT I found something that was very helpful in the self-validate/build frame portion of that process. Rather than psychoanalyzing, getting touchy-feely, trying to figure it out, crying and being all gay about it, I realized that this narrative was real and was still coloring my view and affecting my actions and reactions, even at my age. So I took myself back to that place (and places) and realized I was not getting what I needed as a kid at that time. Those instances produced a certain feeling and not a good one. It was a very specific feeling that I would experience over and over in my life in different circumstances – I had just never really identified that this feeling was the product of what I was unconsciously telling myself. It would be with friends, family, colleagues, girlfriends, social situations and of course, my wife. This background narrative literally kept me from liking myself and without me knowing it, sabotaged much of my life and was sabotaging much of my rp progress. I would argue that you cannot build authentic frame without liking yourself.

Once I recognized and identified that narrative and the resulting feeling, I began to pay attention to times when something would happen outside of my control where it would arise. Since I had become so much stronger mentally, I learned to literally hit the pause button, STFU, and tell myself “I am not a fuck-up” (sometimes over and over) and I would intentionally not react. Pretty much go autistic but there was a reason underneath rather than just being an autistic retard trying to think of what to do or say. Also, recognizing that I operated with those narratives, I began to do longer range work on ending the “I am irrelevant and always in the way” narrative. As I began to focus only what I could control, I had a way of ending that narrative as I gained confidence in several areas of my life. Social, business and of course the way I reacted (no longer react) to my wife. I had a specific narrative to deconstruct as I told myself I am not irrelevant and how much I value myself. I have become much more proactive and this holds more meaning that just trying to become awesome. I did not want to be a slave to that narrative I didn’t even realize was there. This was probably the largest thing for me to overcome to really get to a place of self-validation and outcome independence. I found it interesting that /u/nowenterthearena seemingly accidentally found himself go through This similar process after W&S asked him is there anything worth really being mad about. This isn’t about self-esteem but building authentic frame and not sabotaging your process.

I have always liked Horns line, “If you aren’t vulnerable, your frame is shit.” It’s true but it can also be true that “If you’re vulnerable, your frame is shit.” That was me and possibly you. Because my being vulnerable was not Expressed like a man. My version of vulnerable was unconsciously trying to use others to make me feel like I wasn't a fuck up or in the way.

If this resonates, although with your own jacked up narrative, it is largely under your control and at least for me was a great step forward in personal progress. I've gotten better at being my own judge, being outcome independent and being vulnerable now in my frame when I want to because I am not a slave to those useless narratives. This was a nice dragon to slay.

Again, this wasn't so much about me, but my best way to outline what may be there in you without you even realizing it.