*Edit Update: I'm so glad that this post was helpful to some of you here! SO excited about the response that I'm going to be writing more content just like this. I just put up a URL for a blog, if you're interested in learning more PM me and I'll share it with you. Thanks!

Hi all, I’m sharing a snippet of something I’m writing to help anyone who may be looking to improve their social/communication skills. As someone who considered themselves an introvert, starting my own business and coming out of my shell was tough but it was worth it so I wanted to share what I went through and how I improved. I’d love any feedback. Is it helpful? Things you want me to elaborate on? Also glad to help anyone who has questions around improving social skills.

Socializing and communication are skills, just like learning a new language or instrument and it’s something you can learn and improve.

Do you walk into a social setting and think any of these things?

  • I should leave now
  • I just don’t like people
  • I’m an introvert, I’m just wired that way
  • I’m going to say something REALLY dumb
  • Ugh, this is SO draining

Don’t worry you’re not alone. I used to think all of these things and many people do. But the real questions are: do you want to improve this? What does not improving it mean for your personal and professional life?

It’s tough to be committed to making a change because you have to step outside your comfort zone, will have to speak to people and it could take months to improve.

I want to help you get started on improving these skills through actionable tips you can begin using NOW. Before we dive into those tips let me preface it with a few caveats:

  • Failing is fine- These are things you will have to work through and it will not be easy. Be prepared to fail and when you do, applaud yourself for trying and try again!
  • Celebrate small wins- setting small, simple goals and achieving them will give you confidence and motivation to keep on going.
  • You must want to change- please don’t bother setting yourself up for failure, only try out these tactics and read this if you’re committed to improvement.

THE FIRST STEP: WORK ON YOURSELF This may sound counter-intuitive because they key to socializing is talking to others. You probably thought I was going to tell you how to make someone laugh or how to get the business card of a VIP. But based on my research, I noticed time and time again that people who struggled with effectively communicating developed debilitating stories about themselves or the way they were perceived by others. Things like:

  • “I can tell people don’t take me seriously”
  • "My coworkers don’t like me, but they like my peer who’s less capable.”
  • "When I go to social events all I do is worry about the way other people are thinking about me"

These types of stories are holding you back and they need to be changed NOW.

What you tell yourself dictates who you are. If you tell yourself you’re a loser introvert who can never network or improve your career, then unfortunately…you are. If you cannot find your inner confidence, you will not be able to communicate yourself or socialize in a meaningful way. You won’t be able to progress doing the most basic parts of socializing which include: being in the moment, listening to others, and presenting yourself effectively. You have to fix yourself before you can try out the new, shiny tactics that promise to turn you into a master networker or conversationalist. You may even find that making this tweak will naturally improve your social skills.

In order to improve your social skills in a sustainable way, first you have to train your mind work for you, not against you.

How do I do that?

You change your self-perception by changing your mental habits. Don’t we all wish we could just shut that voice in our heads up? Hmm, not that easy... that damn voice is always there! That means we need to control that voice and turn those negative thoughts into positive ones.

Let’s dig deeper on how we can systematically turn negative thoughts into positive ones.

Here are 2 tactics you can try NOW.

Action item #1: Transfer the guilt tactic- Do you ever do something silly and say, “Jeez, I'm SO stupid.” You may think this is something really minor, but it’s not. You are the story you tell yourself. Try changing these words around and changing it to, “Oops that thing I did was silly, next time I’ll think through it.” You’ve done 2 things here.

  • First you removed your SELF from the equation. You did something that was a silly mistake, don’t equate that to mean YOU are dumb.
  • The second thing you are doing is deciding how you will take action if that happens again. You have gone from making yourself a victim of “dumbness” to empowering yourself to someone who made a mistake and will work on making it better the next time around.

Action item #2:Identify the cues- I’m a big believer in the power of habit. The habit loop consists of the cue, routine and reward. Start identifying the cues that make you think negatively about yourself. Is it when you make a minor mistake? Is it when you first sit down behind your desk at work when you don’t want to be there? Identify these cues and note them down. The next time your “cued” become aware of it and actively change the routine of negative self-talk.

Action item #3: Change your vocabulary- When you hear those negative thoughts in your mind, change them into positive ones immediately, even if you have to trick yourself into doing it. For example:

  • “I’m never going to be successful” VS
  • “I can be successful, I just have to put in the work and energy to do it. I will start by doing X by this date”
  • “That person doesn’t like me, they never stop by my desk or say hi” VS
  • “That person hasn’t gotten the chance to get to know me. I’ll be the bigger person and introduce myself when I’m ready”

Remove words from your mental vocabulary like “wish, could, should, can’t, won’t” etc. Change those words into words like “Can, will, I will do this by…, etc.” Identify those cues and words you use and do your best to change them every moment you get. In the beginning you may not believe the positive thoughts you’re telling yourself and that’s normal. Just keep on pumping yourself up.

Later, I will expand on more actionable tips you can take to feel more comfortable around others and socializing but I wanted to touch on the most important part first-- yourself. Once you successfully build this habit, you’ll be ready for more steps like making eye contact, smiling and small talk.

TLDR: If you want to improve your social skills in a sustainable way, the first step you need to work on is your self. You do this by developing positive mental habits to boost your confidence which I outline in 2 tactics above. Once you successfully build this habit, you’ll be ready for more steps which I’ll get into later like making eye contact, smiling and small talk.