Has anyone else been guilt tripped to stay friends with someone after you had feelings for them?

a-man-from-earth · 2021-04-28T22:27:20+00:00

No, you don't get to post in our sub until you've answered my challenge against your accusation: https://www.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/mya77m/what_are_some_examples_of_female_privilege_being/gw1glyy/?context=1

Skirt_Douglas · 2021-04-28T17:54:49+00:00

Not a single woman who I asked to stay friends after it didn’t work romantically with ever even made an attempt to actually be friends. One in particular didn’t respond to the question and ghosted me immediately after I asked. So I have zero sympathy for when women can’t get a guy they rejected to stay friends as if it were a one-sided gendered issue, because in my experience, woman generally don’t want to do that either.

cousincatnip · 2021-04-28T17:54:57+00:00

I don't think people fully understand that when feelings aren't reciprocated they don't just disappear. You get to process the pain of rejection and nurse your own feelings afterwards. You shouldn't have been held hostage under the guise of a friendship, especially when there was no way the friendship could have remained the same due to the under current of romance. It seems as though she was inconsiderate and unempathetic to you and your feelings and experiences together. It is ALWAYS shitty to deal with rejection and you deserve as much room and grace to do so while further protecting your emotional wellbeing. You have the right to change the way in which you navigate your relationship with her to protect yourself. That is, if you want one at all.

ninja_deli · 2021-04-28T18:48:49+00:00

It absolutely happens all the time. Went on 2 dates with a woman several years ago. After date 2 she wanted to be friends. I wasn't sure how to react in the moment so I said sure. I would respond when she would text me here and there. I was fine with that level of contact. Then she texts me that I never text her and I said I would be friends etc etc. I told her I'm just not a big texter even with my family and she called me on that saying I was texting her more when I was dating her briefly. In my mind I said " well no shit" but I just stopped responding. She wanted more of a friendship than I was willing to give based on the situation. I wanted to date her and had plenty of other friends, she didn't want that. I had a few friends say I should have stayed in contact. My thing is WHY? There is no point. I didn't want a close friendship, I wanted a relationship. Why am I going to constantly torture myself? Why are friends saying to do it. I can almost assure you your friends and mine that say that, would NOT remain friends but have no problem telling you to.

Blauwpetje · 2021-04-28T19:44:21+00:00

Not just guilt-tripped, I always myself have the vague idea it's bad manners not to be interested anymore in a woman who doesn't want intimacy or sex, as if I only put energy in women for that reason. Even though they might still take initiative towards me if they wanted, I feel more or less obliged to do that. Fortunately (well, it is not always fortunate) many women avoid you after they rejected you.

Suicidal_Alone · 2021-04-28T17:15:54+00:00

hmmm I'm not sure if this is gendered (or though obviously, it happens more often in the way you described). If I were in your ex's situation I would definitely want to be friendly and I really think that's a good thing. I feel terrible about the exes who don't speak to me at all anymore and always feel good about the ones I talk to every now and again (they're actually fun relationships). But in the end, I think the person who has been rejected is the one who should have more latitude to do what they think is best for them. Like if I were in your shoes it would make me feel better to know we were cool, but I wouldn't want to talk to her regularly. If she made you feel guilty about that, that's pretty shitty

throwra_coolname209 · 2021-04-28T17:58:27+00:00

It reminds me of something that happened when I first decided to do something about my complete lack of a love life due to crippling social anxiety and an almost literal inability to take any action on the romantic front. It's a pretty embarrassing story, but I take a kind of masochistic pleasure in telling it.

I got talking to this woman online who at first seemed to become progressively interested in me while we were talking. At first, it was just a genuinely interesting, friendly conversation that flowed very well. She gave me her phone number and soon we had several phone conversations that lasted several hours into the night. She was planning to move to Europe (this was something she had already planned for a long time, according to her profile, and since she was planning on moving to a neighboring country to where I live, there was no immediate red flag as to her just wanting to seduce a random shmuck for the visum or any of that stuff.) And so, soon, she was making plans to meet up with me, sending saucy texts, we talked about the movies we loved, our passions, etc. It was quite the novelty for me.

I'm not gonna say I behaved perfectly throughout, I made mistakes and I let myself swept up by my emotions because this was one of the first times a woman paid attention to me in this way. But at some point, she started to act really weird. She scolded me for taking too long to respond to her texts, even though I was practically glued to my phone screen, with the occasional 3 to 4 hour break because I literally needed to work. She'd scold me for seeing me online on the dating app where we matched. Which means she was checking the fucking app at the same bloody time! She'd blow up at me for the slightest thing as if I had gravely insulted her and refused to tell me what about what I said upset her. It was pretty crazy.

This phase of her acting in a hostile and prickly manner for no apparent reason, yet still actively engaging and interacting me every day, went on for about a week and a half, but I was so wrapped up in the novelty of this woman showering me with all this intoxicating attention that I contorted myself into appeasing her, in quite a pathetic display when I look back on it now. All to stall the inevitable return to my boring old state of feeling lonely and invisible. I can now see how some guys have such low self esteem that they get trapped in abusive relationships because they are hoping for their partners to be merciful and give them some crumbs of that good feeling that the initial lovebombing gave them.

Then one day, she said that we should just forget about any notions of romance, and I made a slightly shitty, annoyed remark that I now regret: "good, I was getting a bit tired of the toxic bullshit." So of course she blew up again. "You dare to call ME toxic bullshit??!!" At that point I told her that more talking wouldn't be productive, and to take care. So then she insisted on calling me to "comfort" me, while actually subtly telling me how I was acting irrationally (which I was, to be fair, but more because I was still humoring her at all after all that nonsense, not so much because I wasn't feeling super excited at that moment about staying friends with her.)

But there was one thing that she simply didn't want to hear, which was that I wasn't in the mood to talk, that I was in a pretty bad mindspace and I wouldn't be enjoyable company for her anyway, that I needed some time and space alone. She then explained that she got back with her ex (which explains a lot, if she wasn't simply lying throughout the ordeal, which is also a possibility), and she couldn't understand why I'd be annoyed by this (during the part were things still went ""well"", she had told me in detail about how sexually compatible she had been with her ex, how amazing he was in bed etc. Which I don't mind in and of itself, good for her, but why would she feel the need to basically spew lava at me for a good week-and-a-half for the crime of appearing online on an app, while she was apparently in the process of getting back with her ex? It doesn't make sense, and it shows that this woman uses people.)

Then the icing on the cake: she then kept pestering me, accusing me of being a misogynist who only cares about women if he can fuck them, despite me trying to painstakingly and patiently explain to her that it's not that I don't think she's friend material or that I don't find her an interesting person, but just that I want some time and space to myself, that I would get back to her in a few weeks to see if we can stay in touch with a more serene vibe. She did not find this an acceptable answer and basically called me an overly sensitive manbaby while she kept pestering me for friendly conversation. By this point, the poor woman was acting as charming as the taunting French guard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail and somehow expected this to lead to an amazing friendship. At this point, I started to feel a bit sorry for her, as she seemed as desperate for a platonic friend as I had been for a girlfriend or just a flirt, and seeing her level of neediness on display, I was suddenly confronted viscerally with my own neediness. But when I tried to humor her by replying as politely and nicely as possible to her attempts at conversation, she would criticize the quality and interestingness of my responses, saying my heart wasn't in it. Then she proceeded to block and unblock me several times and send me more insulting messages until I had enough and blocked her, even though I hate doing that shit to someone I had deeply personal conversations with.

The kicker? She had talked to me at length about her wonderful platonic male friends in various countries (as well as some "crazy exes", who according to her descriptions, behaved in the exact same manner as she demonstrated herself towards the end). Turns out that at least one of those good friends she talked about was a guy she had met on the same dating app. This is just a hypothesis of mine, but seeing the level of crazy that she exhibited, I'm guessing that she has a strategy of making friends where she starts talking to a naïve guy on a dating app, then when she notices the conversation is going smoothly, she starts progressively lovebombing the hell out of them in a way that still is vaguely believable, up til the point where she's fantasizing with you about the amazingly romantic dates you'll go on, the amazing BJs she'll give you, and how not to worry, she'll teach you exactly how to please her, and how you're the most interesting guy she's ever talked to. Then when she's bored of that, she'll start turning on you and, once she notices that you're emotionally invested in her, she'll suddenly turn into the voice of reason and "let's be friends" you, and scold and insult you if you're not immediately thrilled at the prospect.

All in all, I kick myself for being this naïve, but I did learn a few important lessons that seem bloody obvious in retrospect: never spend several hours of every day talking to a woman who you've only ""met"" through a dating app, and only have a small chance of actually meeting any time soon. Set boundaries, set aside a designated time to talk to the women who you're acquainting yourself with. Finally, as soon as someone starts exhibiting extremely entitled or abusive behavior, no real or imaginary future amazing date or BJ is worth that bullshit.

BloomingBrains · 2021-04-28T21:10:06+00:00

If anything, it's the opposite that has happened to me. I've been friends with women before who I later confessed to or asked out, and they're the ones that didn't want to be friends anymore. I guess because they thought I wasn't going to let the subject go? Which is weird, because I always made it clear that there were no hard feelings and I was actually willing to stay friends. I respect their decision though for much the same reasons as you're stating women should understand why men don't want to remain friends. It makes it difficult for me to risk opening myself up to friendships with women though, because experience has taught me that no matter what happens, it will end in misery for me. Either they will not want to be friends and I will essentially be getting rejected twice, or what happened to you will happen to me as well.

I guess if you're a man, no matter what you do its wrong.

Title	Has anyone else been guilt tripped to stay friends with someone after you had feelings for them?
Author	throwra_coolname209
Upvotes	27
Comments	12
Date	April 28, 2021 4:40 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/n0izid/has_anyone_else_been_guilt_tripped_to_stay/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/has-anyone-else-been-guilt-tripped-to-stay-friends.1061449 https://theredarchive.com/post/1061449

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