Hi ladies, I posted a while back about my now-ex, more or less nervous that he wasn't being verbally affectionate and didn't seem to put much stock into planning romantic things. We also had an 11 year age gap although I'm in my early 30s so I figured it mattered less. You guys told me - no, pass, read the handbook. This is the best, plus the age gap, move on.

You guys were right! It didn't work out. He was still awkward asf about verbal affection, compliments. Finally planned a cute date like 3 weeks before he broke up with me, saying I was literally everything he wanted and an amazing communicator, his mom tried to talk him out of it, friends love me, etc. He just "wasn't sure." He also said that when I asked him to stop watching porn for a while because he couldn't finish, or that I compared his lack of compliments/dates to exes (yes that was shitty of me, but it was like the third time I brought it up), he felt bad and like he was failing me. I know everyone wants to feel like they're winning with their partners.

It hurt because it made so little sense since we were otherwise so compatible, and he was honestly a very good and kind person. But in retrospect, I had misgivings about a few things and feel catharsis from laying them all out:

- Watched porn up to 1-2x per day especially when on an overseas trip. His ex wife had the same complaint

- Compliments were "hard" and "didn't come naturally" but he "would try." Also didn't really ask me any questions, would just share and share about his stuff and respond well as long as I brought something up about myself. His ex wife had the same complaint

- Had 2 20-something roommates who paid under market rent, who he paid to clean (they didn't) who seemed to be using him financially. Would let the hot 25 yo girl vent when she and the guy were having problems. The roommates were one thing (he owned the house), but the lack of boundaries was too much

- Talked in great detail about his 2 long term exes on the first date (yes I'm a clown)

- Was down to do fun stuff but wouldn't plan anything date-like specifically for the relationship. Also proposed to the ex by sitting at a kitchen table and having her pick out a ring on Etsy, and then it came and she just like, put it on, no proposal

- Still having recurring nightmares about the ex

- Lots of unfinished house projects, clutter, not that clean

- Owned a house and was looking to buy another, but wanted a multi unit for the explicit purpose of moving his LV friends in

- Friends, while kind and welcoming, were distinctly LV and I would not date or recommend my friends to date any of them

- Seemed to hang out with a lot of much younger people, ex wife was 9 years younger, sensed a pattern of wanting to feel the most together/in control relative to others

- Told me he is super disconnected from his emotions and is working on codependency and avoiding tough conversations, though he praised me for having opposite qualities

- Obsessed with burning man (I'd go but it's not something I want to center life around)

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Positive traits:

- Very open and honest

- Biggest dick I've ever had

- Super handsome

- Great to his 2 cats

- Great job, great saver, hardworking at least in the financial sense

- Loyal and kind to all his friends

- Always looked for ways to give me little useful presents, mostly stuff he didn't need anymore though; paid for our food (he better since he makes 3x as much as me)

- Genuinely wants kids and family

- Responsible, sober, good driver, vegetarian, etc

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I should have listened to you all and now I went and got my heart hurt again. I weigh positives too strongly and need to LISTEN to my own intuition... on that first date I was like yo he didn't compliment my looks directly, he talked way too much about his ex, and it was a walk date lmao. I know better than this so I have to own it. Thanks for listening y'all and I'll be lurking to do better next time after decompressing for a few months.