This was a reply to a comment in a thread, and I felt it deserves it's own post. I see so many women stuck in this pattern of behavior with men, it's very common for something women to fall into, and it is a pattern we must get out of if we are to progress in our lives to a more positive place.

The original commenter asked about how to enjoy sex again in a healthy way after escaping trauma. So I have elaborated on it towards the end.

Trauma bonding is when you identify with your abuser, to the point that you form an emotional attachment to them. For example, Stockholm Syndrome is one kind of trauma bond. If you undergo any long-term abuse (by your parents, by a partner, by a boss, etc) you might find yourself falling into trauma bonding without realizing it. Especially if this has happened to you previously and you never sought treatment.

From wikipedia: Two main factors are involved in the establishment of a trauma bond: a power imbalance and intermittent reinforcement of good and bad treatment, or reward and punishment.

Your brain begins to associate whatever negative events or experiences you need to endure with the pleasure of reward. You can see this in domestic violence situations in which the wife will defend her husband. You can see this in child abuse situations were the child will defend the parent their entire lives and do what they ask no matter how absurd (check out the just no MIL sub for many stories). You can see this in religious cults and how revered the cult leaders are. You can see this in the hierarchy of the military. You can see this in sex-trafficked women and other victims. You can see this in so many various relationships that humans can engage in. It doesn't need to be between a man and a woman, or someone older and someone younger. As long as there is some kind of power imbalance that both parties are either unconsciously or consciously aware of, and one of them is an abuser (read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for more information about abusers), trauma bonding can occur.

Signs that you are trauma bonded to someone:

  • they have power over you (physical, financial, sexual, age, etc)

  • they treat you sometimes with kindness, but also sometimes punish you (sometimes you don't even know why)

  • you have a lot of sex with a large variety of partners and hope that they will stay with you, but it hardly ever works out (or you're stuck in a bad situation with a partner who doesn't respect you).

  • you feel very conflicted most of the time: sometimes numbness, grief, lonliness (even when you're with them), sometimes angry, alarmed, terrified. This often occurs in a cyclical pattern.

  • your self-esteem is non-existent or so low it might as well be; you have a very negative self-image

  • you don't feel you can leave your abuser, or, if somehow you do manage, you often find yourself going back to them even if you don't really want to

  • you dissociate - often, all the time, around that person or after they were there.

  • you are depressed, and if you managed to leave your abuser, you're still depressed. This might even turn into learned helplessness.

  • you have a diagnosis or a problem with substance abuse, depression, bipolar / BPD, and even suicide / self harm.

  • here are even more signs and explanations

How to break free:

  • make a safety plan of how to stay safe after escape, or a plan of how to get out of your situation if needed. This can range from looking up shelters, all the way to setting up a phone call system where you can talk to a friend instead of returning to the person, to changing your phone number, to moving to a foreign country far away and cutting off all ties. This is specific to you.

  • write down what is reality: what evidence do you have against their abuse. Keep this to only the facts. Write it down in a safe place they have no access to.

  • focus on the present: hoping that this person will change, or trying to go back to a "time they were so sweet" can keep you locked in.

  • practice self-care and positive self-talk: this can help return your focus onto yourself, and help you regain a sense of your own self. This can also help you relieve your stress and prevent you from wanting to return to the person for comfort.

  • go to trauma therapy - this is the most important one. I cannot recommend it enough. Find a properly licensed therapist who is versed in IFS, EMDR, and trauma care. Ignore anyone who still uses psychoanalysis*, or only focuses on CBT or DBT.

Recovery:

  • you'll probably go through a whole range of emotions, experiencing a lot of those that you forced yourself to swallow while in your previous situation. You may not even have access to some emotions (I literally did not feel any anger from ages 17 to 30), and might need to work on accessing them in therapy. I completely fell apart after I finally reached a safe place after decades of abuse.

  • if you cannot access or afford therapy, there are a lot of resources online. Discord chat groups, chat helplines, phone lines, subreddits, etc. r-CPTSD is a great one, and their wiki Library is a place I highly recommend for resources. One book I highly suggest is Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. It is the best one about trauma on the market, though the other ones in their Library are also excellent.

  • you should consider not having any partner or moving in with anyone once you're safe. Sometimes it is better to live with someone you can trust, and that might be a new partner, but it's incredibly likely that if they are a romantic partner they will continue to take advantage of your vulnerabilities rather than help you heal. And if you do heal in a relationship, you might find yourself needing to leave the relationship as you change and leave old patterns of behavior behind. It's a rare partner who is not only willing to support you through that change, but is also someone you will love when you're moving through the process. Consider, a trusted friend or family member to live with instead.

  • you will change if you heal from trauma. If this is something you went through since childhood, you might not even know who you are and have to rediscover yourself. I have discovered I'm actually autistic and asexual, both things I never would have discovered had I stayed in my trauma bonding situationships.

  • you may find you're asexual and sex-repulsed. This might be true for you long term. This might be true for you for a short term. Usually women who went through trauma were often r.ped, m.lested, or otherwise sexually abused for a long time. As you heal you may find that part of yourself the most difficult to heal from. You can heal from it and rediscover a sexuality that you are comfortable with. And sometimes you discover that the asexuality really was a part of yourself all along you never knew about. Asexuality does not mean you never wish to engage in sex again. But perhaps not with men. Or perhaps not with anyone other than a partner after a very long time and building a lot of trust.

Since you asked specifically about sexuality, I will add on that you should not rush anything. Your #1 priority is your own happiness and pleasure. If that means you live a life free of sex while you work on healing from trauma or for the rest of your life, so be it. If it means you only engage in masturbation, so be it. But if that means you wish to explore sexuality again one day, I can suggest this: build up a trusting relationship with someone whom you deem attractive (aesthetically, if not sexually), and have a very strong, open communication with them (and they should not be suffering from any trauma, and hopefully be in a healthy place in their life). Ask if they would be interested in exploring sexuality with you in a very open, healthy, pleasurable manner, where you focus on your boundaries, your own pleasure, and go very slowly, always communicating verbally the entire time. This to me looks like... for years you only talk, and casual touches. Then maybe hold hands for many months or years. Sleep in the same bed together without touching. Eventually you can try chaste kissing and only doing that for months. And then only very light caresses on those parts of your body you deem safe, perhaps increasing the boundaries by a few cm after many months. Penetration might not ever occur but if it did it would be years of building up this kind of slow trust, where you can see that they are a safe person and will not reignite any of your previous traumas. (BTW, this open communication should not refer to you telling them the trauma you endured. They do not need to know that, and in fact, it can backfire on you. It should be a clear statement of your own and their boundaries. I highly suggest the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, and suggest the exercises as talk exercises you can share with your partner or do yourself).

The brain is plastic. This means it can change, adapt, be molded. You can change your previous trauma programming, especially with a proper therapist. But the goal of healing from trauma ought to be (re)discovering who you are without all the trauma triggers shaping your life and behaviors. It might look very different from what you thought it might be (I know my life is shaping up very differently). But you will feel better, you'll feel stronger, you'll feel like yourself.

Thanks for reading, if you did.

EDIT: a word*