I see a lot (like a lot a lot) of self-help content geared towards making your life “disappointment-proof” or “guaranteeing your safety”.

I believe this is an illusion that we’re drawn to, because we have an inherent desire to protect ourselves (especially after bad experiences).

We tell ourselves that if we are smarter, better prepared, stronger, more healed, more spiritual, have more self-respect, etc etc etc then we can “attract” good people and guarantee our safety.

That is a form of perfectionism and, again, a comfortable illusion. Unfortunately, we have really very little influence on what’s external to us. Our power lies mostly within ourselves (and even then, no one human being has 100% control over themselves, because our mental functioning is extremely complex).

All you can do is your best. You can absolutely become smarter, more healed, more spiritual, have more self-respect, etc etc etc, and that will certainly help you in your life. But it does not change the external factors - other people, and other people being potentially awful. Like I said in another post, it’s really a game of chance.

If we are better prepared, we recognize awful people faster and move on quickly from them.

You might tell yourself that if you are wonderful and strong, you will attract good people. That if you don’t show fragility or “trauma”, you are safe from abusers. That is not necessarily true - exploitative people might be just as interested in how excellent you are, and even more committed to earning your trust to boost their ego. (Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t become the best woman you can, of course)

You never really know how people will turn out (though we must always do our best to recognize patterns). Often the difference between “normal flaws” and red flags is just hindsight+new information to shed a different light. As in, otherwise acceptable issues (“gray flags”) all become tied to a deep character problem once a major issue comes out (like a red flashing alarm light glowing red on everything).

The truth is that we will never ever truly know another person. Everyone, us included, is capable of harming (but good people don’t indulge that capacity). Even the people who seem the best and the most trustworthy might have secrets that are absolutely awful, might betray you one day, and have the capacity to hurt you. We need to accept the reality of human condition - the capacity to do harm - to both make choices for ourselves that don’t harm others, as well as to be ready to protect ourselves when others fail to make said choices. For example, almost any man we live with has the potential to physically overpower and harm us, we’re just trusting and hoping they won’t.

Trust and hope in vulnerability are, unfortunately, always necessary for a relationship.

So yes, you need to be “always vetting” and always ready to stand for what is right and fair and for yourself.