Roasting and insulting as a form of joking

miloba_ · 2021-12-21T15:01:30+00:00

Humor - whether one considers roasting part of it or not - is purely subjective. You absolutely do not need to “take a joke” and are free to set any boundaries you wish for the people around you. There is nothing sensitive about recognizing what you find appropriate or not, especially with humor. That line is crossed far too often.

I’m fine with roasting (to a degree), but this is highly dependent on a couple factors. Who is roasting? What is their behavior in the moment? Who is being roasted? What is THEIR behavior in the moment? What is being brought up or said? Is there mal intent? etc.

My entire family is very sarcastic. We like to poke fun at each other. That said, we’re not laying it on thick and repetitively going in after one person. We know there are sensitive spots that each person has, and we never go there. Nothing is ever said with intent to hurt, and my family is open enough to call out if someone is crossing the line.

I have certain boundaries when it comes to roasting from a significant other, and I make those very clear upfront.

super_thinker_ · 2021-12-21T22:18:34+00:00

I believe the only thing you can safely tease someone about is something they can change in 10 minutes or less.

Joking about a piece of food stuck in someone’s teeth - funny. Joking about the way someone walks? Not cool. Joking about someone’s glasses - not funny. They spent a lot of time and money buying those things. Lay off.

So I’ve never liked teasing and sarcastic humor for this reason. Most people take it too far and it mostly feels like sugar coated cruelty to me.

Maybe you could try using the 10 minute rule as a personal rule of thumb? Ask yourself “are they joking about something I can change in 10 minutes? Or does the sting go deeper than that?”

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-12-22T03:52:56+00:00

Roasting or negging is hitting you where it hurts - jokes about things that you’re sensitive about.

Playful teasing is joking about stuff that doesn’t bother you, maybe you joke about it yourself.

As an example - I’m always joking that the Alzheimer's is setting in, so teasing me about my poor memory is fair game. I think I’m a great cook, so joking that food I make tastes like shit wouldn’t fly with me. I’m also a good driver. Joking about me almost running a red light on accident would be ok, but saying that I shouldn’t be allowed to drive wouldn’t.

myeggsarebig · 2021-12-22T09:29:15+00:00

It really does depend. Recently, I was at a wedding and there was a picture of my wedding from 20 years ago. My cousin was standing next to me, and said, “wow, you haven’t aged at all” I said “fuuuuuuck you” and laughed my ass off. If it was someone else, or in different context, I may not have thought it was funny, but he’s my baby cousin (I’m old enough to be his mom) and he’s a giant sweetheart who adores me, and doesn’t “get off” on hurting feelings. And, if I said, “I don’t like that,” he’d apologize and back off, instead of gaslighting that I’m too sensitive.

Story 2 - my friend and I go to get our nails done. I pick the color yellow and I’m like swooning over it. I ask my friend if she likes it. And with a cruel tone, she says, “no, yellow is fucking ugly and not a summer color.” I thought it was brash, especially in public, but I sucked it up. A minute later I get up to use the bathroom and my polish falls and explodes on the floor, and and she cackle-laughs and says “that’s what you get for picking that ugly color.” I told her she was being a fucking asshole and to stop. I went outside, she followed, and I told her that she had a mean streak and that I’m too sensitive for it. She started to cry and play victim.

Story 1 is fine bc there’s no malice. Story 2 was not fine bc she was being a bully.

You know your limitations. And, you can probably discern if it’s playful or cruel. Stay in spaces where you feel safe. If their roasting seems unnecessarily cruel, they’re not your people. Also, you are allowed to be as sensitive as you want.

Coupon_Problem · 2021-12-21T20:29:26+00:00

As someone who enjoys teasing and roasting, I see what you mean about the vulnerability thing. When used well, teasing can be a good way to be vulnerable with others as it lets you express how you love the other person for their perceived imperfections and flaws. We can join in life’s goofiness and not take ourselves so seriously. However, as you noted, the big tell for me is how someone handles it when they’re told a joke hurts or crosses a line. Teasing/roasting only works if its in a context of love and respect. Otherwise it’s just being a dick. So If I’m teasing someone and they seem uncomfortable or say “ow,” I’m quick to apologize and let them know I love them and am sorry to have gone too far. I expect the same from others. I’d do a mini “blood in the water” test with someone who is teasing, to make sure they can respond with kindness and empathy to my boundary.

In my relationships where teasing became mean-spirited and a way to avoid intimacy, a few things happened: #1: the “teasing” started to outweigh the non-teasing expressions of love/interest/fun, #2: my “that went too far” was met with “you’re too sensitive,” or “you don’t like me anymore” or whatever #3: they started saying just straight-up mean things to my face and expecting it to be taken as a “joke.”

I’d say lay whatever boundaries you’d like to. Teasing should be fun and make you feel closer. It’s a way of someone saying “you don’t have to be so perfect, you are amazing because of your flaws.” If it feels mean, or passive aggressive or deflecting vulnerability, you have every right to decide to lay a boundary. If they don’t respect that and respond with empathy and understanding for hurting you, then you’ve collected an important piece of data about them.

Title	Roasting and insulting as a form of joking
Author	DiosaCordilia
Upvotes	71
Comments	11
Date	December 21, 2021 2:39 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/rlg0hg/roasting_and_insulting_as_a_form_of_joking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/roasting-and-insulting-as-a-form-of-joking.1091363 https://theredarchive.com/post/1091363

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