POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING

TLDR At the end.

I feel totally disgusted and confused at the same time.

I'm near the end of therapy and I've grown so much in these past years of therapy. I used to be a in the BDSM community from the age of 16 till 21-ish. (Terribly young, I know)

Today I remembered I still had an Fetlife account which I haven't checked for ages but I wanted to log in and see what I got myself into and how I would feel about it now. And I am literally shocked, I felt a knot in my stomach, I felt sad, disgusted and overall mind-blown, with what I saw. I felt dizzy and I just became speechless watching these horrible photos. I know there is heavy shit on there, fully aware but how my body responded and how I used to ignore all these NO responses, is extremely upsetting for me but I am so happy I left that all far behind.

The women on there exploiting themselves for free (even if they were paid for it, it is extremely sad) and I don't know for sure if this is a projection but I can almost see in their eyes that they do not want to do this or do not feel comfortable or anything. I must say the women actually make an effort in looking good in a way, the men on there well, I could almost smell them in the worse way possible.

The images I saw in general but also from my country, in my area, were all so abusive, bruises, marks, blood, needles.. Also I feel that a lot of them are on drugs or some shit. And the absurd part is, they all project it as some kind of romance.

As if being half beaten to death is love and romance As if being called (or written on your body) a 'pig' 'filthy' 'slut' and whatever horrible names I saw is love and romance As if having bruises, rope marks, fear in your eyes, kneeling in "obedience", being fucking tortured is love and romance

I. Am. Totally. Disgusted.

How the fuck did I used to like this? How in the actual fuck did I want this for my self at a point in my life?

I thought hm maybe it isn't so bad but I can not ignore my intuition, the signs my body is given me anymore. I can not and will not like this ever again and I am actually wondering if I will ever meet a man who is not into this bdsm cult since it's so eMpOwEriNG. Fuck that. (Not that I'm focusing on the male species right now but ok)

I also wonder if anybody recognizes this or maybe have some more insights about why I used to like this, what attracted me. I already have some insights but I would like to read more perspectives.

TLDR; was in age 16-21 when I was in a bdsm community, checked again on Fetlife after years of therapy how I felt about it now and am totally shocked and disgusted.