Am I codependent or do I have a strong intuition?

StainedGlassCat · 2021-11-09T12:09:16+00:00

I'm going to go hard on this answer because I've spent the better part of 36 years learning the answer. Yes, your body is warning you. If you give yourself time to sit down and really sort through what is causing that feeling the moment you aren't with him, you'll start to realize it's a lot of little things he's doing. Words and actions not matching, small lies, affection that feels nice but is just a little off, etc.

A healthy relationship doesn't leave you feeling anxious and empty, and won't leave you with a feeling of unease. The fact that your brain gets clouded when you are with him is another red flag. I know it is hard to break it off, but trust your body. It knows. I have learned this the hard way too many times before I found FDS. RUN.

lansburysoda · 2021-11-09T13:24:58+00:00

If your intuition tells you something, listen.

You don’t have to logically dissect it and figure out exactly why you’re feeling this way.

You don’t have to parse out every interaction to justify your fundamental instincts about a person or situation.

You just have to listen to your gut because it is never wrong.

starpuppery · 2021-11-09T14:20:27+00:00

🚩 sharing about his bad relationships (pity play) 🚩 knows your weakness 🚩 trauma-bonding you

trust your confusion. it's the start of his manipulation.

run

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-09T12:30:08+00:00

Your intuition is never off. He lacks depth, and he's admitted he's closed himself off. You are in a fog when you're with him, and immediately after you feel empty and confused. HE IS NOT THE ONE! The feelings are telling you to prioritize yourself first, break it off, and move on. Real love makes you feel secure, confident, and without any doubts as to who and what he is. The moment you break it off, you'll feel 10,000 times better.

SupermarketObvious92 · 2021-11-09T13:26:30+00:00

This could have been written by me, for real.

You can trust your feelings and your instincts here. If you give him another chance to explain or grow, or give him the benefit of the doubt, you’ll only grow attached more and after a while your instincts will be going off like a siren but you’re in too deep to get out of it without damage.

If he really wants to change for the better, he will and he will find a way to reach you. If he wanted to, he would. So you choose you.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-09T14:25:39+00:00

Trust yourself, it happened to me and he was a narcissist. Please trust your instincts

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2021-11-09T15:37:23+00:00

Trust yourself. Women have amazing intuition and we get told we're overanlysing things when we use it. Follow your intuition.

Also do you have this feeling with every other new relationship in your life. It's unlikely to be you if the empty feeling only occurs after you hang out with him and not others.

And be a bit cautious of a man who excuses his behaviours by claiming its due to past relationships scarring him without actively trying to change their behaviour with you. You've told him how shallow you feel with him and he has said he understands. That's not enough. You deserve action.

It's so common for men to blame their ex girlfriend for making them unavailable, closed off, a cheat, abusive, unresponsive etc. All it is is an excuse. We all come with baggage. We don't expect our next partner to handle it because we can't be arsed to be better.

hiraethsidhartha · 2021-11-09T15:41:05+00:00

I just want to address the bit in your edit where you say that you know 100% he is not at all abusive/ mean etc.

Manipulative, unkind people don't come with a giant sign on their head PLUS you can know people for years and all of a sudden something happens to them, maybe you haven't seen them in a little while and they pop up again and that friend that you loved so dearly has changed into a total ass, picked up some weird abusive habits and now they are not okay to be around.

While our intuition is helpful and can guide us, it doesn't always pick up on if someone has toxic traits.

I'm not saying this guy is an abuser but just that it takes a very very long time to get to know people. We don't always know when someone is unhealthy to be around straight away, that doesn't make us less perceptive or less intuitive or whatever, just human.

It is unwise to think that you can always tell exactly what someone is like by the vibes they give off.

Intuition is just one part of the tool kit we can use to keep ourselves safe. It isn't the only tool. This is why FDS has the mantra of vet, vet and continue vetting!

lucidlotus · 2021-11-09T15:11:37+00:00

I've been in a very similar position, although it lasted far longer than a few dates. I ignored the feelings of emptiness/unease for way too long. He wasn't a narc/abusive/manipulative, but he was emotionally unavailable, which has its own set of problems. I too thought I could stick around and be less attached but it just didn't work. The fact your intuition is hitting you this hard this early is a red flag.

saint-jezebel · 2021-11-09T12:50:00+00:00

He’s emotionally unavailable. These type of people can do enough to keep the focus on you when they’re there (and even when they’re not) but there is no depth to it. You don’t realize it until you feel empty later. The emptiness comes from not feeling emotionally filled and so it causes you to question things you wouldn’t have to if he was filling those areas in your life.

alpinepunch2021 · 2021-11-09T14:38:48+00:00

I've had this feeling before with a man and turned out he was emotional unavailable and these feelings were indeed my intuition but instead of listening to it, I just turned to him asking him questions like 'What is wrong?' etc, he led me on for 2 weeks straight saying there was nothing wrong and then broke up with me.

This exact same thing happened to me for 6 years. I used to think I was insane or clingy - turns out my anxiety was actually well-founded (he even saw a therapist for a substance use disorder he hid from me, after dumping me, and she diagnosed him with an avoidant attachment style and personality disorder (which are incidentally two different things)).

I think one of the biggest red flags I noticed but wilfully ignored was that he used to constantly walk faster than me and ahead of me. I'd purposefully slow down and he wouldn't notice until he was so far away that if he wanted to say something to me it literally wouldn't be audible. Another one were slight changes in his vocal tone that indicated some kind of unease (like he was hiding something or didn't want to say something etc.)

jupitarianrise · 2021-11-09T19:05:34+00:00

I know 99% that he’s not a narc

I have to disagree with you here. I have been with narcissists in the past, and if I learned anything from it, it’s that you can never tell who is a narc or not UNTIL you’ve been super close to them, and around them for a long time.

Seeing them as friends is different from seeing them as lovers. They don’t treat everyone the same way.

I had a close male friend (we were super close for the longest time) and when we started dating that’s when he dropped the mask and showed me his true colours. That’s when I realized he hated his friends, envied everyone, and laughed at other people’s pain.

You having anxiety and feeling empty when he’s not around etc. means you still haven’t healed from your codependent tendencies

Also the fact that he told you he’s willing to work on his issues… he shouldn’t be dating anyone if he still hasn’t dealt with them. Also, that sounds a lot like trauma bonding. He wants you to pity him, think he’s a good guy, or get you to reveal your own weaknesses.

Healthy people don’t talk about their issues upfront like that.

Healingirl · 2021-11-09T18:51:37+00:00

I think a lot of people confuse co-dependent with clingy or needy. Co-dependence is, to sum up, the act of putting yourself last in order to make sure everyone is feeling ok... and that passes through not actually listening to your intituition because that will require to put yourself first and end the relationship for you own sake.

Very few people are actually clingy, the response is usually a result of not listening to ourselves and our body sends signals through anxiety... (all the feelings you described).

How do you know he is not a narc ? They usually reveal on themselves around month 3-6 when they're the sophisticated type.

The fact that you feel this way is actually your body picking on subtle cues. You might be sensing that he is not who he pretends he is. And narcs go for people who don't put themselves first or trust themselves. They recognize it like second nature.

Why does he already feel the need to excuse his behavior because of past experiences?? That alone is a red flag. As the fact that you sense there is no depth

Educational_Pool_635 · 2021-11-09T12:00:51+00:00

It could be a romance high, sort of like when somebody is being incredibly good to you almost like lovebombing. So your brain gets these endorphins solely from being with them and when they're not there you feel empty. You'll have to look on psychology forums and books but I think that's what it is.

apple_cores · 2021-11-10T02:38:21+00:00

I have felt the same way numerous times, OP. The biggest indicator that my intuition is letting me know that something is off (they’re not that into me, using me for sex, leading me on, etc) is I start getting really fidgety around them, especially after sex. I can’t sit still or I don’t want them to leave or I can’t pay attention to the movie. I figured out it was my intuition saying they won’t call you back or they’ll begin the slow fade shortly. The reality is hitting and my body is reacting. It’s a very unpeaceful feeling.

I have felt calm and peace very few times with a man but you’ll know it when it happens. This isn’t happening in your situation and Your intuition is right. Time to cut the cord.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-11-09T17:56:14+00:00

It could be an anxious attachment style but it could very well be intuition. Regardless, you should not be seeing someone that is giving you this much anxiety.

I had an anxious attachment style that I worked through in therapy, but I was also anxious around some men which was purely my intuition. I was anxious leaving this was guy because he was not giving me what I wanted and was emotionally unavailable.

annedr3ww · 2021-11-10T02:15:10+00:00

I’m curious… are you an INFJ? If you are, I would listen to your body and the clues - just like what everyone is telling you. I wish I did because 90% of the time I was right and in the worse way possible. And if you are wrong — in that slim 10% chance… if the guy really was into you and valued you… he would try harder to make it work. So to me - listening to your intuition is a win/win in both instances. When a guy is really into you… he will move everything to prove it.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-11-10T05:25:05+00:00

Trust your intuition, it knows way more than you can comprehend at this moment. Feeling confused is not peace. For some reason your connection with him gives you anxiety. You don’t have to find out why you feel that way around him. Your gut loves you because it’s there to protect you.

Muffcakelord · 2021-11-10T09:24:37+00:00

I'm thinking he was cheated on as a result of being emotionally unavailable while also not being an abuser, since then the pickme he was dating before was probably scared to dump him because of the thought of not being able to find another non-abusive man. Then he uses the cheating as an excuse even though it was there all along.

He may not be abusive but he is weak. Being cheated on shouldn't be an excuse to be emotionally unavailable while inside a relationship; he already choose to be available. If he doesn't make you feel comfortable within a week after telling him that you sense what he's not giving you, i'd personally suggest to try someone else. You could give it a month if you have hopes but please don't give him years of your life unless he genuinely makes you a happier and more satisfied person. When men have emotional trauma patterns, often genetically inherited as well, they refuse to fix it while swearing they're about to.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-09T20:54:22+00:00

Literally your feelings will never have you give a man a chance, they are either comfortable with how a man is acting or they are perceiving a threat. The conditioned voice in your head is what whispers give him a chance, and everything your feelings do after is tell you NOOOOOO don't do that.

Follow your intuition and dont stay with a man who makes you uncomfortable. For me, I always feel things a few days after (unless it's really bad during the date), and I always used to write them off cause the date itself was fine. But my gut was right and I just made myself sick trying to ignore it.

All4Goldie · 2021-11-10T05:43:32+00:00

The other advice given here is great. I agree with /u/katiekat0214 that it sounds like you’re in a fog, I know because I’ve been there. I was in it with a narcissist. I also felt the same way when we were apart. I have an extensive history of getting into relationships with narcissists and have done years of intensive therapy work on it and I STILL got involved with one (albeit briefly) this past year by talking myself into it which is what it sounds like you’re doing right now instead of blocking and deleting. Remember these people will ruin your life and they’re damn good at not looking like narcissists!

Some things to ask yourself:

You dated this man before? Why didn’t it work out then?
Why is it that you feel so good when youre with him and forget everything else?
Do you think it’s normal to already have to address a fairly serious issue with him after just over a month of dating? (Being emotionally unavailable)
If so, have you ever experienced a situation a previous narcissist who used your communication to their benefit?
Why is it that you don’t trust it when you say you’re already feeling the “LOVE ME! LOVE ME!” pick me tendencies?
Have you healed from attracting past narcissists and done a lot of reading on how narcissists work?

Please re-read what you’ve written a couple of times. I can definitely see red flags and it sounds like the other commenters can too. But, the the only question that matters is will you get the clarity to see them?

Are you dating other men right now as well, per FDS recommendation, or just him? It’s recommended to do this (no sex, just dates!) because it keeps you from getting too invested and attached to just one man. Have you had sex with him? That will also prevent you from seeing red flags that are there. Keep in mind it usially takes at least three months for someone to show their true colors, with a narcissist it can take even longer!

Have you read the handbook? You might want to read it again. I hope you can at least take some extended time from this man to process all of this. Ideally, block, delete and move on.

Title	Am I codependent or do I have a strong intuition?
Author	DiosaCordilia
Upvotes	229
Comments	54
Date	November 9, 2021 11:57 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qq23sb/am_i_codependent_or_do_i_have_a_strong_intuition/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/am-i-codependent-or-do-i-have-a-strong-intuition.1085069 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085069