Past exes and love interests coming back when they "sense" you're in a happy relationship

sneeuwkapelletje · 2022-04-01T14:18:40+00:00

After I got with my bf, friendships with single guys have gotten impossible. Men who I have been 5+years good friends with suddenly get jealous that I'm spending a lot of time with him and start complaining that I changed (for the better, but still *changed*). I needed to cut ties with all of them and kept only brief contact with men who were in a relationship/married and I liked their SOs.

My advice to you - keeping contact with a past love interest is a big NONO and it will spiral down really fast. Don't show them attention, because they may start to think that they have a chance and will try to "steal" you from your bf. I saw a study about how single guys percieve their girl friends while in friendzone and basically all of them answered that they always have hope that she might like him back someday, so I'm really careful who I'm friends with after I commited to my bf.

I hope this will give you a bit of an insight, good luck!

Jenneapolis · 2022-04-01T16:30:04+00:00

So I agree this always happens but it’s not because we fall in love with somebody else and they sense we are happy. It’s just a timing thing I think. If we are the ones broken up with, we are brokenhearted right when it happens because we are mourning. It’s shocking and we spend our first couple months coming to terms with it. However they feel a sense of relief because they broke up with us for whatever reason and are happy to be done with that. They go out, have fun, and be single and for a few weeks live it up.

They come to miss us when they realize other girls rejected them and the single life is not what they thought it would be but we have been healing and have moved on (hopefully). You hear a lot about 30 day no contact but in my experience it takes men more like 2 to 3 months to really be sad about their mistake which is often the exact amount of time it takes us to move on. Just my theory.

LateralThinker13 · 2022-04-01T17:44:22+00:00

Why is it when you are absolutely happy and content with your love and life these guys start reaching out?

Why do beta orbiters exist? They aren't suckered into being them, they LIKE being them. When you have another man and it becomes serious, their orbits are jeapordized. They don't like that.

Or, you getting serious shows you're worth commitment - it's a demonstration that your value is higher than previous. That gets attention, just like a guy walking into a bar with a hot chick on his arm increases his attractiveness - it's a demonstration of value.

But out of respect for my bf I don't want to engage these guys at all, there's literally nothing in it for me

Correct. Cut them off. Openly, honestly, brutally if necessary. Orbiters are unhealthy at best, unsafe at worst.

I want to focus all my romantic energy on my amazing guy.

Good attitude.

amadexodus · 2022-04-01T14:54:10+00:00

To your first question: I wouldn't indulge this. Do not ruminate on why these guys are coming back now when they could've pursued you then. You're not interested in them anymore, so it's not productive to wonder about their uncanny ability to "sense" your change in LTR status.

To your second question: The answer is to have very clear boundaries for what is appropriate. Physical touch and flirting should be avoided, of course. I'm going to recommend two understated rules to help you out, one for in-person interaction and one for social media/DMs.

#1: Do not be alone with them. How would you feel if your boyfriend went out alone on an outing with an ex/former crush?

#2: Do not send or engage with messages that you wouldn't want your boyfriend to read. This is not to say that it is okay for him to invade your privacy behind your back. This is not to say that the unreasonable standards of a controlling, overly jealous guy are correct (e.g. getting mad at you because you responded "Hi"). I'm just saying that if you were to show them to him, particularly if the guy behaves inappropriately, your words should communicate disinterest with the guy and loyalty to your boyfriend.

jayval90 · 2022-04-01T16:32:25+00:00

People change when they are in love. I've had that happen to me, girls I thought were completely stuck-up and wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly look at me directly and smile at me and engage with me directly after they have a significant other. I think it has to do with the pressure being off. Similarly, maybe you guys were in a rut for 15 years and you changing the way you converse with him over the past month and a half was a wake-up call for him.

Also, sometimes feelings have common outside triggers, so they get correlated. You guys knew each other for a long time, so you probably have a lot in common. The things that trigger people's life choices are highly mysterious, chaotic, etc, but not entirely internally isolated. So it's possible you just had a similar emotional arc.

In any case, focus on the realities. You've cultivated deep feelings that seem legitimate with your current guy, so put your focus on that. The only exception is if you see red flags with the current guy. Since it's still pretty early, maybe ask a parent or a trusted confidant about your current guy, just to make sure you don't have a blind spot.

Tell the other "friend" the truth. Tell him he missed out by 1.5 months. It sounds like a tough pill to swallow, but there is a certain honor in taking an L gracefully like this. He fought, and lost, and now he needs to regroup. I think he'll take the reality of the situation better than you trying to play games saying you're "busy."

LanaTownsend · 2022-04-01T19:24:57+00:00

Just block past guys. Idk why women are so reluctant to block men from their past, especially if you were never married and/or don’t have children with them. I think many women lowkey like the attention from having men from their past do pop-ups, that’s why they don’t block these dudes.

ledatherockbands_alt · 2022-04-01T18:35:21+00:00

Someone going back to their ex is an indication that they have no other options.

Do you want to be someone’s last/only option?

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