Specifically from The Surrendered Wife. I've been on the hunt for good books to recommend soon-to-be-married women in my life and I gave this one a go since it's often recommended here and in the other RPW subreddit. I was shocked by how terrible some of her advice is! Especially in regards to the big three phrases I hear women parrot from her: "I want", "I can't", and "ouch".

For starters, all three of those scream "covert communication", with "I want" being the most blatant example of a covert contract. I can't imagine texting a friend and saying "I want someone to watch my dogs this weekend." Why would I do the same to my husband and, for example, tell him "I want to go to dinner with my girlfriends tonight"? I wouldn't. I would ask! "Can you please watch my dogs this weekend?" "Can I please go to dinner with my girlfriends tonight?" Not only is this speaking the man's language - overt communication - but it's also deferring to his authority. That last part is important if your goal is to have a captain+first mate relationship.

"I can't" just baffles me. Again, it's covert language because what is actually meant is "I don't want to". If it's a matter of actual ability, like if your husband asked you to mow the lawn and you broke your ankle that morning, then it makes sense to say "I can't" because it's a literal statement. But if it's something like your husband asking you to start working full time, or to become a stay at home mom, then "I can't" comes across as outright disobedience. It would be better to say "I don't feel like I can do that", or even better would be to ask to not do it. "Can I please not do that?" "Can I please tell you why I feel like I wouldn't be able to do that/why I don't want to do that?"

I get the reasoning behind "ouch": say something that doesn't result in arguing or insulting or shouting and then remove yourself from the situation. But there are ways to do that without sounding like emotional manipulation. Again, sounding like emotional manipulation. If I say "ouch" when my husband and I are rough housing, it's a signal to him to immediately back off because he is causing me physical pain. He asks me if I'm okay, if I need something, or if we need to stop. If I say "ouch" when my husband says something that hurts my feelings, what's my goal? Do I just want him to understand my hurt? Then why not say "what you said hurt my feelings"? Not only is it overt, but now it allows him to decide how he wants to proceed. He can apologize or comfort me or simply acknowledge my feelings are hurt and move on. If I say "ouch" and leave the room the message it sends is "I want you to come to me and make things right". Or in other words, you're (intentionally or not) pulling him into your frame, which is not okay. Better yet, if you must remove yourself from the situation, you can express yourself in a way that doesn't demand he take your emotions seriously, like by acting cute or sassy. "You're a big meanie!" Maybe he will come into the room to make amends, maybe he won't.

All throughout the book I couldn't help but feel like I was reading a book about how to do the bare minimum in a relationship to keep your man happy while still being a feminist, which wasn't helped when she did actually say she's still a feminist. Go figure.

But I understand that it's rare to find a self-help book one can entirely endorse. Even the two books I would recommend to other women I wouldn't give a 10/10. So I'm curious what you ladies who have put this into practice have experienced. Did it work? Did it not? Did your husband say something like "don't do that, do this instead?" I can say that personally, after getting over the initial shock of the advice and sharing this book with my husband, he told me if I tried any of these it would inspire nothing but contempt from him.