Introduction

stripe_throwaway · 2022-09-02T02:05:28+00:00

First of all, welcome. :)

Second of all, don't ever feel bad or regret doing what is best for your family and kids. You were doing the best you could with what you had. There are plenty of people with all sorts of different lifestyles here and some things work better for some than others. It sounds like the important thing is you and your husband seem to be recognizing things aren't working as they are, and that is the first step towards figuring out your paths forward.

Thirdly, everything at the end there sounds like a bit of a whirlwind. How are you feeling right now?

KombuchaEnema · 2022-09-02T03:29:35+00:00

You are not responsible for the shift in dynamic. He is exhibiting a “beta” mentality (I don’t normally use beta/alpha language, but it’s the most appropriate word I can think of here).

If men want to be leaders and captains, then they need to have inner motivation. It’s not a woman’s job to “inspire” a man to lead. It’s not a woman’s job to force a man to lead. If a man becomes depressed and starts neglecting his duties, it’s the wife’s responsibility to make sure her children are cared for first and foremost.

You cannot force someone to be dominant or commanding - that is contradiction. You cannot submit to someone while simultaneously forcing them to accept the responsibility of leader, nor should you sit and starve while your leader waits to find his own motivation.

You did what you had to do. You weren’t dumb at all. A leader doesn’t put himself in a position where his subordinates are forced to usurp him simply to prevent the entire system from collapsing.

Your husband needs to stop blaming you for the shift in dynamic. In that sense he is still treating you as if you are in control, as if you took control from him. That mentality automatically puts him in a subordinate position to you. What sort of man gives his wife that much power and then blames her for supporting her family in his absence?

You did what you had to do to support your family through his depression. If he views himself as a capable leader, he will need to prove it. He will need to earn your trust. And then you will feel comfortable relinquishing control.

sunglasses90 · 2022-09-02T01:58:41+00:00

Does he have a job now? He needs to get it together and become the man his child needs him to be. If he does that he will become the husband you need him to be. It’s his move. You made yours and you saved your family. Now it’s his turn.

Teacup000 · 2022-09-02T04:20:18+00:00

There's a lot of background information here I don't think is too important to go into, provided the work situation isn't so volatile after nearly a decade. It seems other comments have given validation on that, and since you asked for specific advice on control/support I'll focus there.

The good news is you and your husband both appear to be down with moving to a Captain/First Mate dynamic. It's great that you want the same things and can build a path forward together.

So I know what I have to do.

One great way to show your newfound interest in supporting him taking on a more dominant/leadership role is to ask his opinion on "what you have to do". Otherwise, you're still in control. You don't have to do everything he says, and maybe shouldn't, but I would bet money you'd be surprised by the different priorities you two may have.

Make a list of ways you want to change. Choose three things from it. Ask him which of the three you should focus on in September. Pursue this and reflect on your progress at the end of the month.

I’m looking for advice how can I support him on this journey

What did he say when you asked him this?

If you haven't asked him, I'd start here: "I want to support you. I'd like it if you could describe to me what that looks like to you."

"The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle is sometimes recommended for women with a propensity for control. I haven't read it yet myself though.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-09-02T12:17:22+00:00

Does he have healthy/healthier men around him?

LocalCap5093 · 2022-09-02T18:21:24+00:00

You should listen to Kevin Samuels. As a single mom you’re talking a lot of game when you should really be happy he took you in with another man’s child

magicalunicornjuice · 2022-09-02T21:13:13+00:00

A really good book to read for advice on how to cultivate healthy relationship dynamics that give a man like this a boost of confidence is The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It’s freeing to realize you can’t control your SO, only yourself, but when you do change your attitude other people tend to respond.

Another book I think you both might like is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, it’s basically about how men and women tend to be wired a little differently. Men tend to be really positive, motivated, and uplifted when they feel respected, but women tend to be that way when they feel loved. It has ideas for how to avoid a cycle where you feel unloved so you react in a way to make him feel disrespected and vice versa.

Mission_Honeydew_597 · 2022-09-06T04:27:34+00:00

Hello I’m a little new to this thread. Can I ask what does RP and BP mean ? I’ve seen it a few time now.

Title	Introduction
Author	Northernlightsaurora
Upvotes	12
Comments	23
Date	September 2, 2022 12:51 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/x3nr3u/introduction/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/introduction.1130418 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130418

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