I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months and I’m already thinking of a back-up plan in case we break up

Ok_Obligation_6110 · 2022-12-10T13:25:22+00:00

It’s hard to give advice here without the context of what your issues are. I will say that spending a lot of mental energy on having an exit plan will all but ensure that you mentally check out of the relationship. I’m not saying don’t have a back up where you know who you can turn to if it doesn’t work out, but planning out the next 6 months as if you’ll break up is not healthy.

If you want this relationship to be fixed, it’s certainly possible. Again I have no context as to what your issues are but I can share my own experience.

My husband and I dated for a year before moving in together. Before this, we had discussed marriage and he even asked my father for my hand in marriage. We were running on the honeymoon phase and once we moved in together, with me starting a role in a high stress career, and him starting a PhD program a lot of shit hit the fan. We began bringing our work stress home and it led to a lot of tension. I was unhappy in my job and he was feeling overwhelmed with his program. He became so overwhelmed he started doubting how his life was going to look through the end of his program and decided maybe it wasn’t the right time to get engaged. This caused so much tension, we went to couples therapy, but eventually broke up for a year.

After that, it was a shock to the system. He moved out, I got a roommate, and we experienced what it was like to not be with each other and we both decided it was a mistake. When we got back together, we did it with intention. We went back to therapy, this time with a new therapist, to help with my own emotional regulation (stop nagging him) and for him to get past his commitment issue. After about a year where we both put in an incredible amount of work, our relationship was like night and day compared to before. His program still stressed him, and so did my job but we didn’t take it home to each other. Now that his program was near ending, his ‘real life’ began to become clearer and in reach. We had moved back in together after I had made it explicit that I expected to be engaged within a year. I never brought it up again, just made it clear in therapy and let the stress go and put it in his hands without ever nagging him about it again. We got engaged, married, and pregnant within a year (in that order!). Now we have a beautiful son and couldn’t be happier.

My point here is that many issues can be worked out if you both put the effort in. You can’t force him to act in any way but you can focus on fixing yourself, letting go of your ego, and surrendering to the vulnerability that comes with a true loving LTR. Focusing on an ‘exit’ strategy puts up an emotional barrier that will keep you from fully resolving your issues. I know it because I’ve experienced it first hand.

Jasperbeardly11 · 2022-12-10T15:43:41+00:00

If you've had mental health issues in the past month it seems disingenuous to expect someone to be trying to marry you right now.

You need to work within and heal what is broken

FiveSleepingOwls · 2022-12-10T11:26:27+00:00

What do you see in him long term? Do you see a future with him?

Because it doesn't sound like you really like him all that much.

TiberSeptimIII · 2022-12-10T15:20:13+00:00

I think honestly I’ve never been in a relationship of any sort (professional, friends, or dating) in which one party started looking for the exits and it ended up being a better relationship. Not saying it’s impossible, but if you’re thinking leave, I probably would.

sunglasses90 · 2022-12-10T16:20:42+00:00

What was your fathers issue with him? That seems important. I’ll be honest with you that parental support for the person you plan to marry is key. Without it, things can get extremely hard.

NupeRanger · 2022-12-10T16:50:23+00:00

Sometimes it is hard for us to see the red flags inside our own relationships. We tend to be biased, because we are so infatuated with the other person.

You say your father does not approve. Has your father told you why? I doubt it is due to the age gap (not that big of a gap). My guess is your father (as a man), can see some traits or characteristics in your partner that you cannot see. You should reach out to him. *I am assuming your dad loves you and you love him too. I am also assuming your father is not against your relationship based on hatred of another race or religion, etc. But if you trust your father, and your father has your best interest at heart, you should at least hear him out and try to understand his concerns from the point of view of a concerned parent who wants the best for his daughter.

Best of luck.

jbravo_au · 2022-12-10T12:11:08+00:00

If a relationship is this hard this early it will fail.

Listen to your intuition, stop wasting time, split and reconcile with your father who sounds like he’s a good judge of character.

George_ThunderWeiner · 2022-12-10T12:23:57+00:00

Keep working on your backup plan and assume that in 6 months you will be moving back in with your parents or at least not living with your boyfriend. You have to keep in mind that your boyfriend has just as much autonomy as you have to end the relationship.

With his change in attitude in talking about getting married and your future together, he may now realize after living together, that you are not a good fit for a successful, happy marriage, for him.

It's ok if the relationship doesn't work out, some things are just not meant to be. The bright side is you are still very young and you have plenty of time to find a better fit for a long term, successful and happy relationship. So continue planning on your back up plan, because unless there is a drastic change in the relationship, it doesn't sound like it's meant to be.

AutoModerator · 2022-12-10T10:57:16+00:00

Title: I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months and I’m already thinking of a back-up plan in case we break up

Full text: I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years and have been living together for 6 months. We have a 7.5 year age gap - I’m 24 and he’s 32.

This is my first time living with someone and moving out of my parents house. I haven’t been that happy with our relationship lately. My father disapproved and I haven’t spoken to my dad in a year.

We have gone to couples therapy once and will be going again on Friday. It’s been better for the past 2 weeks but I don’t feel content in the relationship anymore.

A part of me doesn’t want to give up but a part of me wants to be sensible in case it doesn’t work out. He used to think of marriage and told me he was planning on proposing next year but he hasn’t been talking about it lately.

I don’t know what to do because I feel like he was just testing our living situation and dangling a carrot on a stick with the proposal. I’m not perfect either and have had mental health issues and breakdowns in the last month.

Our lease is for another 6 months and part of me is hopeful that we can get through this because he told me our problems are fixable. But sometimes I get the vibe he doesn’t tell me what he really feels.

I feel really stuck because I don’t know if I should start thinking of alternative ways of living apart in 6 months.

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Easy-Distance1 · 2022-12-10T21:36:53+00:00

Why does your dad not approve?

Title	I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months and I’m already thinking of a back-up plan in case we break up
Author	nixuse123
Upvotes	19
Comments	16
Date	December 10, 2022 10:57 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/zhpozp/ive_been_living_with_my_partner_for_6_months_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ive-been-living-with-my-partner-for-6-months-and.1142235 https://theredarchive.com/post/1142235

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