~ archived since 2018 ~

Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny Story

MNCPA

February 28, 2023

15 upvotes

I have no one else to tell, so please bare with me.

About 6 years ago, my ex-wife was having an affair. I confronted, she denied, we went through a nasty divorce, and she still denied under oath. Shortly thereafter, my ex-wife had a kid with her affair partner.

Last year, my ex-wife had another child and quickly married this new guy (not original affair partner). My ex-wife denied even having this second kid to boost the child support I pay her.

Fast forward to last night, I was talking with my kid after hockey practice (yes, very Minnesotan). He mentioned that my ex-wife's newest child is her new husband's child.

Sometimes old habits never die. I've give updates if this pattern of behavior continues into the future.

TLDR - I had 3 kids with my ex-wife, she has an affair, and had a kid with this affair partner. A few years later, she has another affair with a different affair partner and has another kid.

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

PDF TXT EPUB

Post Information

Title	Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny Story
Author	MNCPA
Upvotes	15
Comments	20
Date	February 28, 2023 1:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11e6gag/old_habits_never_die_kind_of_a_funny_story/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/old-habits-never-die-kind-of-a-funny-story.1154067 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154067

Comments

[–]AirSailer 11 points12 points13 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]MNCPA[S] 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]CRobinsFly 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]AlmostThere22 3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link

[–]MNCPA[S] 7 points8 points9 points 3 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

[–]AlmostThere22 9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]MNCPA[S] 9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]DetectiveGreedy9747 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]AlmostThere22 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]DetectiveGreedy9747 1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]DetectiveGreedy9747 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Xan-Diesel 6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]CRobinsFly 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]Xan-Diesel 4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]CRobinsFly 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Xan-Diesel 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

You're right and thank you for sharing.

While I was still doing the "pick me" dance I also tried to get her to see the mistake she was making. I asked my family to share the stories of their lives (particularly how divorce impacted them) and write her letters detailing it as part of a last-ditch effort before I could say I'd done everything I could do.

My Mom wrote what became quite difficult to read as she shared how my Brother and Sister never had the same relationship with her and none of her children respected her. She also shared that she divorced out of spite and bitterness and that the things that caused them to grow apart certainly could've been mended and that she made a mistake that plagued her for the rest of her life. The other things my family wrote were impactful and my ex-wife told me she read the letters, including mine. None of it mattered.

She didn't want to change and didn't care to listen. I don't think she really absorbed any of it. She told me she even read my letter in front to my sons which I found abhorrent and disgusting and irresponsible (though she said it was because she was "proud" of me). All of these things we do and say during this stage of the separation and divorce are done out of rationality and objectivity which aren't the frames of mind our ex-wives are operating from.

It helped me tremendously to read u/basically_a_genius post regarding the Lightswitch Effect. In summary, they wrote:

If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, because I would never love somebody who makes me feel bad. So I must have never loved them. The entire relationship must have been a lie. Real true love would be permanent, and this is not permanent, so it was never real true love.

And just like that, her emotional state defines a new reality, where nothing was ever good and everything was based on a lie. Like a light-switch goes from on to off, everything that you two had built disappears into the off position, as though it had never existed.

Many men at this stage try to bargain. "After all we've been through together, how can you throw this away? We can still salvage this!"

And it's a pointless question. What is she throwing away? Absolutely nothing, in her mind. If there was any value in the relationship, she wouldn't feel this way. Therefore there must not have been value in the relationship.

[–]DetectiveGreedy9747 7 points8 points9 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Xan-Diesel 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]AcrobaticStick2432 1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]CRobinsFly 4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link