What do y’all think about snooping through a SO phone?

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-04-13T21:17:56+00:00

Usually women start snooping when their intuition tells them something is wrong. Sure, there are people who can leave right away, when there is a slightest doubt, but majority of women linger and need to have some kind of a solid proof that their partner is unfaithful and that they are not going crazy with their suspicions.

If I hadn't snooped, I wouldn't know the extent of my ex husband's depravity. I'm glad I did and I don't really care about his privacy when he didn't have any concerns for his pregnant wife and a newborn, recklessly jeopardizing our health.

Happy_Mistake_3684 · 2021-04-13T21:23:31+00:00

Ok so my feeling is: snooping in this way is degrading yourself. Your gut knows something is up, why not trust your instinct and your intelligence instead of demeaning yourself by looking for proof? So I am against it but not because “wah privacy” or “wah trust” but because I believe it is much more powerful to accept that you cannot know what another thinks or does but you can know your own mind.

Put it this way: If you have a feeling something is off and you look for evidence and find none, does the bad feeling go away? Hell it does. Trust the feeling, you need no proof.

Personally I think women feel they need proof because society demonizes women leaving men without “justified reason” so women feel they need evidence. When of course you can leave him for any reason at all.

I’m not sure what you mean about not being able to leave until you have “closure”. Do you mean that the only thing that would give you “closure” is seeing proof of what he did? And why do you need this “closure” before leaving him? Isn’t the closure you acting in your own interests because you knew something was up?

PS I think an important exception to the above is when you’re already married. If he’s having an affair and you need to get your ducks in a row with evidence he broke his vows then snoop away and document everything. But that’s important for legal evidence, not for closure.

_jellybeanqueen_ · 2021-04-13T21:27:32+00:00

I'm in line with your second point: snooping is the only way to really know what's going on. You only snoop because you harbour suspicions that were never cleared up over the multiple times you brought them up. Through their inaction and dishonesty, they brought in doubt and untrustworthiness that compelled you to put it into your own hands to figure the truth out because you would have never uncovered it otherwise. Also people love knee-jerk cite "MY PRIVACY, UR INVADING MY RIGHTS!!11!!" but that's a deflection. Their bad decisions and harmful actions (whatever it happens to be) would have already taken place, the damage is done only you're in the dark about it. I honestly have no sympathy for guys who are like "SHE SNOOPED", would you have told her otherwise if she didn't take it upon herself? Didn't think so. Only the people who have something to hide have issues with sharing because it's in their interest to hide whatever they know is wrong and use pRivAcY as a strawman to blame you for their shitty behaviour that's indepdendent of your snooping. I know that people can have burners or whatever, but I'm not counting that because that's another level of deceptive fuckery WHICH YOU SHOULD BE SNOOPING FOR. Also guys hire private investigators to creep on people, does the privacy argument apply then?

Besides the trustworthiness aspect of snooping, there are benefits to being able to access each other's devices in a pinch! Sometimes it's just more effort to pull out your laptop or phone, or your phone is better than their's, or someone left their phone at home and you're both out, so it just makes sense for both partners to be able to access each other's devices

amhran_oiche · 2021-04-13T21:37:19+00:00

Every time I've looked through a phone I've never been wrong. I don't feel bad about it.

My ex had the password to my phone and he still looked through it when I was asleep. I only know because he woke me up to "confront" me on my (public) instagram posts and my period tracker app. :))))

When I had the phone pass for an ex I trusted, I never looked even though I couldve. I have nothing to hide. I will give my password to my SO if he'll give me his. If not that's a red flag for me.

AnKeWa · 2021-04-13T21:40:11+00:00

Okay here's a little story.

My husband and I are the kind of couple where we both have full access to each others phones.

Also, when he is driving or cooking or something and his phone beeps, he'll usually ask me to write back for him, and the other way around, too.

I really cannot imagine it any other way. It has been like that since the day we first had a car ride together.

And I have been criticized, roughly, for having access to my husbands phone, even though we both do that willingly. I shouldn't be jealous, I shouldn't be so controlling, bla bla bla bla.

Just keep in mind that you're allowed to have whatever standard you want. No matter how outlandish it seems to other people - no one is forced to date you. If someone doesn't meet the criteria of what you search for in a partner, it's okay to have it, no matter what other women, even the women on FDS, think about that.

Honestly though, the very fact that you're asking this question makes me really really sad. Not that it was wrong to ask, but it means you've not internalised yet that you, and only you, are 100% in control of which kind of person you want to be together with. But you are.

Wishing you the best, OP. Internalised misogyny is one hell of a drug, and I know exactly what a rough and shitty process it is to break out.

SeaNegotiation8 · 2021-04-13T23:37:37+00:00

Trust, but verify.

Unfortunately, one of the most dangerous things a woman can do is trust a man. There are very few things in life that are as risky for your health or will make you more vulnerable.

It is unfortunate that society puts women in a mental prison where if she feels even a moment of healthy skepticism, or if she feels like she needs evidence of his trustworthiness, it means their relationship is doomed. That’s not how trust works at all.

Establishing trust is not a one-time event. If a man suggests that by trusting him once, you must trust him blindly, unconditionally, and unquestioningly for the rest of your life, he is inherently untrustworthy. That is an incredibly sketchy thing to ask of anyone.

Trust needs to be maintained, validated, and continuously reinforced.

By “snooping,” you ARE trusting your gut. You are fulfilling your basic need to see evidence of trustworthiness from the person who could potentially harm you the most.

Snoop away, sis. Your health could depend on it.

Trust, but verify.

Love,

A happily married woman

Dazzling_Moose_6575 · 2021-04-13T21:20:42+00:00

If I felt the need to snoop, the relationship is already done. If I don't trust my guy or if he's acting shady, there's no future. I've never even thought about looking at a boyfriend's phone unless there were serious other issues, and by that time I should have already walked. I would also be offended if he wanted to look at my phone. Keeping tabs isn't the same as trust.

2021-04-13T21:40:50+00:00

It’s an invasion of privacy

No SO of mine would be able to snoop throgh my own phone becuase I use biometrics or 2 factor authentication for most of my tech devices.

That being said...

It’s the only way to really know what’s going on sometimes.

If you think something is up you don't need to know what's going on. You can confront him and if he's overly offensive that pretty much confirms that something is not right.

Either way normalize dumping men who give you a bad feeling no matter if you have proof or not.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-04-13T21:24:22+00:00

I don’t give out my passwords to my phone. I don’t cheat or have anything to hide, but it’s my phone and I don’t allow anyone to snoop through it.

I used to snoop thru my ex’s phone, because I had the password- I always felt like he didn’t really love me anyway but I found out he cheated by snooping so it is what it is.

I don’t really have feelings on the matter, some people are nosy and will snoop thru your whole house🙄 I don’t tolerate bad behavior but I’m not explaining why I don’t have to give you my password.

Trust your gut, ladies! If you feel like he doesn’t love you, he probably doesn’t. Snooping through a phone won’t change that.

Title	What do y’all think about snooping through a SO phone?
Author	Warm_Ad6994
Upvotes	8
Comments	13
Date	April 13, 2021 9:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mqbne1/what_do_yall_think_about_snooping_through_a_so/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-do-yall-think-about-snooping-through-a-so.1188496 https://theredarchive.com/post/1188496

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