Timeline Discussion: When to kiss, come over their place, sex, etc.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-04-12T17:08:46+00:00

A lot of the advise may seem like it’s geared specifically toward women dating for marriage, so it feels heavy when you’re under 22, a student, barely getting your feet wet in terms of your own adulthood. But the biggest things are to remember, dating should be about your comfort and boundaries. When do you feel is an appropriate time to kiss? To make out? What needs to be paramount is YOUR comfort and safety, and before sex ever happens, you need to trust that this person understands consent, is tested for STI’s, and will not be arguing about wearing a condom.

I would, in my own personal experience, advise not kissing for a couple of dates at least if this is basically a stranger. But if you are already comfortable with them, that timeline could be different when romance is entertained. And sex, again, the minimum should be 3 months, from most FDS standards, but you may want to wait 2, or 4, or whatever.

Just be careful not to get carried away, and be wary of love bombing and the honeymoon period. Do not drink around someone you are dating for the first few months at least, do not become too vulnerable. Have safe exits, people looking out for you. Something that was discussed in the podcast recently was “abuse creep”, about how a man will seem perfect and great for the first couple months, but then slowly little things creep in as their mask falls off. You want to keep your guard up, even when you think your person is HV.

Again, I’ll repeat it until the end of time, your safety and comfort is paramount. Do NOT compromise those boundaries for anyone no matter how giddy you feel, or how much they whine, or what peer pressure your friends or others try to put on you. Set specific boundaries for yourself and do not compromise on them for anyone.

Sewud · 2021-04-12T18:17:11+00:00

I feel like the biggest trap is caring about their expectations. "Oh he wants sex so I have to have sex". If you're dating without marriage in sight you should use it as an exercise in denying male expectations. They can't always get what they want and that's just life. They have to deal with it. You need to make sure you're always having fun. If you're ever made to feel bad or cry, leave. Don't ever let them bullshit you about why you're the problem for being upset or how you being upset is "hard for them". There are other men out there who won't make you cry, won't guilt you, won't show you attitude.

2021-04-12T17:32:10+00:00

First and foremost, what do you want to get out of dating? Make a list of red flags and green flags in a potential dating partner. It's good to set yourself up for success prior to going on a date so you can tell if some dude is a waste before you engage in anything intimate with him.

I agree with another commenter, you get to decide what your boundaries are. Keep your cards close to your chest, don't get carried away with thinking someone is perfect after the first date. It takes time to really get to know someone and vibe with them. You make the rules on when to kiss, when to go over to their place, and when to have sex. If he pressures you AT ALL then that is LV behavior.

I kissed my husband on our first date because it just felt right in the moment but we didn't have sex or spend the night till like 3 months in. He never pressured me once, hence why he's my husband now 😉

It really just depends on what you're looking for and wanting in a romantic relationship.

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-04-12T18:44:18+00:00

Absolutely! I especially like the part of not drinking on the first few dates that was mentioned earlier. It can be done, you can have a nice dinner without alcohol. Whether you are a lightweight or not, alcohol will always impair your judgment and reflexes.

Keep feeling out your intuition. If your body does not want to be near this person but you are forcing yourself to kiss them, hold hands, or anything else, leave. That is a sign.

Everyone has different timelines. A good rule of thumb is no PIV until after 3 months/commitment. That is not to "trap" him. What it does is it makes sure both of you are on the same page of where the relationship is going, to avoid STDs, and to make sure you have felt him out and they are not just a stranger you want to have sex with because you are horny. There are loads of other reasons, those are just a few.

If they keep crossing your boundaries/timelines and pressuring you, cut them off. That will never stop no matter how many times you cOmMuNIcAtE. Save your breath.

I say this because if you want to go to grad school, go to grad school. If you date someone that tries to stop you or change your mind so that you can follow his dreams, don't. Compromise is different than absorbing the life of your SO as your own. Resentment can last for years.

I have dated at least 2 people for 4+ months without sleeping with them (different times). They pay for our dates, we talk, we don't kiss until I and they are ready. Each time it gave me the clarity I needed to see if we should continue or not. I left both of them to advance my studies because I had enough time to assess who they were and realize I did not want to be with them in the long term. I also had enough time to see them slip out of the honeymoon phase.

So live your life! Also, I don't know if you have ever been in a situation like this: dating someone new but constantly crying, having a headache, panicking/feeling paranoid, or feeling like crap however, you feel better with him and you can't pinpoint why? It is him. It is him that is making you go through that. You should feel comfortable. Not have the symptoms of a drug withdrawal.

uwuwowowuwu · 2021-04-12T17:52:45+00:00

The main theory behind these timelines is know what you want and what you feel comfortable with because it is all too easy to be coerced, gaslighted, and otherwise manipulated while dating. If you don't set strong boundaries and convictions beforehand, you will get caught up in their rhythm.

Personally, I wouldn't kiss on the first couple dates. Exceptions might be if you have known them in non-romantic capacity for some time and already feel comfortable with them. I make it very clear to them that coming over to their place doesn't equal sex. I visit men's homes during the day, to look at their living conditions and make sure they have hand soap (😂). I wouldn't have sex with a man I didn't love and saw a future together with. This could be anywhere from a couple months to a year. Hard to put an exact number of dates to it.

Absolutely put your own goals first and understand that the dating principles here are not one size fits all. I made a comment earlier regarding the 1-2 years timeframe but that is from my position of being open to marriage. I'm in my mid twenties with my professional education complete, on a good career path, and have solid financial investments. Thus, I don't see the point of putting marriage off if the man is indeed HV. I would definitely not have set the same timeline if you asked me 5 years ago.

2021-04-12T20:28:38+00:00

I love this place. These comments are gold.

nyclaurco · 2021-04-12T21:26:52+00:00

this is tough. a lot of this is all about vibes, how good you are at spotting red flags, how high your self-esteem is, and who this guy is to you (total stranger, someone you vaguely know with mutual friends, a friendship that blossomed into something more, etc.). not every relationship is the same, and depending on where you live, pink and red flags are all different. for example, where i live, not driving and having roommates as a single adult is not strange at all, but in many suburban or rural places, that would be seen as alarming.

you should look into the psychology behind relationships. i recommend reading “why does he do that?” by lundy bancroft. there is a free pdf of it online. it goes through the types of abusers and how to identify them. next, i’d read about attachment styles and be sure that you are securely attached before jumping into the dating world. google love bombing, too. now, make sure that you’re relatively stable before jumping into something or even going on first dates: be financially independent, be emotionally stable, have a hobby, have a friend. trust me, you don’t want to hear some nonsense about how he’s “not ready to be engaged yet” because you’re only working as an intern, you need to do more together, etc. nobody wants to date potential - they want the final product (sorry to objectify).

there is no real safe zone. most show their true colors during the 3-4 month “trial period” as i call it. some abandon their partners after 5 years together because they got sick or for a multitude of other shallow reasons.

do what makes you feel comfortable. however, i will warn you and say that if you get intimate (like, the whole sex) within the first 2 months, you have probably sent out the message that this is not a serious relationship, and he will act accordingly.

carlther · 2021-04-13T01:27:28+00:00

When you are young, as other ladies have said, your safety and sexual boundaries are paramount because young college-aged guys are notorious for violating them and first and foremost, you do not want to be assaulted. Second, your career trajectory and financial goals should NOT be influenced by anyone, family included. It is so easy to get compelled off of the path that you want for yourself, and you can spend a lifetime regretting that you did not fulfill your dream (this is where birth control is paramount - have your career and earning potential well on its way before you have kids). Third, your timeline must likely be longer because you also should not marry until HE is well underway in his career. So many men show potential in school, only to fail fantastically and dramatically once they graduate. I lived the painful reality of this one myself. Make him prove to you that he can earn his keep. Good luck!

purasangria · 2021-04-12T23:01:05+00:00

I won't be exclusive until I have a ring on my finger.

You might decide that you don't want it to get physical unless he decides to be with you exclusively and ASKS YOU, you should not be chasing him.

The handbook has some stuff on this.

PinkestMango · 2021-04-12T18:09:16+00:00

You tell the man you start out with people as friends and let the relationship develop if it's meant to be. Most men will immediately fall off like scabs.
You demand a public relationship - social media included. He better be writing about you and mentioned you from time to time and displaying you to his friends and family.
He is expected to propose. Until he does, he doesn't get any special treatment.
Engagement should be short and lead to marriage quickly.
I do not advise having sex with a boyfriend or a fiance under any circumstances.

Title	Timeline Discussion: When to kiss, come over their place, sex, etc.
Author	outward_hand
Upvotes	116
Comments	13
Date	April 12, 2021 4:50 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mphxwk/timeline_discussion_when_to_kiss_come_over_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/timeline-discussion-when-to-kiss-come-over-their.1188764 https://theredarchive.com/post/1188764

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