Just written in my drafts; not sure if I'll ever send. Should I?

I know we had some inadequacies the last couple years of our marriage -- in growing apart, having less intimacy, coexisting and coasting through day to day life.  This is very often the normal course of relationships that have spanned a decade like ours.  I wish so badly that I could turn back time and check in with you on the state of "us."  To pry you open, to truly understand what feelings you were keeping inside.  Most of all, I wish I could change the injury and resulting PTSD that made me so siloed and unavailable which I feel was the straw that broke it all.  I was severely depressed and unable to be myself, the guy you always knew less than a year prior.   I awoke many days with my #1 gratitude being for my loving and patient wife who was giving me grace to work on myself before we worked on us and your needs that you brought forward, and it's still painful to know that grace was only surface level with how and who you were communicating with at the same time.  I accept your apology and acknowledgement that your actions were the wrong way to handle things.  I understand you were also in distress and a crisis of your own,  and I apologize that I was incapable of providing for your needs immediately.  My unpredictable mental and physical condition was unfortunately very detrimental to our state of affairs, and I've learned that PTSD changes your mind in ways that incapacitates you from being present for relationships and realizing the gravity of external situations.  I forgive you for needing and seeking emotional connection during my darkest days when I was unexpectedly unavailable, withdrawn and not at all myself. 

Because you were my partner in life, I confided in you with unfiltered emotions which were simply overriding anything else on my mind including your immediate needs that I thought I was being given patience for.  I realize that you felt like too much of a caretaker, even though I truly needed you more than ever.  I realize that, although it was my first true depression and crisis, I conveyed great weakness, hopelessness and tears for the first time in our relationship which likely killed all remaining desire you had for me, your partner of 10 years. By the time you were calling me a manchild and who knows what else to everyone instead of realizing it was only my state of mind from trauma & depression and not really "me," it was over.  My hope was that us working through it would have grown us closer, and I thought it would... I think we both thought it would.   I was grateful to have your initial support and I apologized for not being more overtly "there" for you during your health crisis years prior.   I remember you conveying that you appreciated that honest sentiment and thought it was growing us closer, but it eventually backfired and grew resentment within you.  I remember thinking that we'd live together forever with our own chronic pain issues that would help us relate more to one another.  I have thoughts that had I made one simple different decision in my treatment how much different things would have gone - how much better of a time we'd have had together at during our 7-month stay Cody & Vanessa's despite the other stressors we were going through.  How we would have moved into our new home with excitement instead of uncertainty.  How we would have started therapy immediately to address the fixable issues in our relationship with a far better foundation for repair.  In late 2019,  I vividly remember looking forward to getting healthier with you,  getting both of our issues treated to prolong our lust for life and vacations, and then my injury happened just one month before our 5th anniversary.  That's just how things panned out, as unfortunate as it is.  I remember you squeezing my hand during my favorite movie Vanilla Sky during the line "the sweet is never as sweet without the sour"... around that time I was suicidal and expressed in tears I did not want to lose you. Life ended up growing a whole lot more sour and feels as if that whole movie came true for me in a way.  I feel like I lost you due to one simple decision.  Not to say that there weren't separate, addressable issues of mine and yours to work on, but there would have been no "manchild," no resentment, no PTSD.  And I'm sorry.  I wish we had seen a therapist that wasn't your own; I've learned from my own therapist it was very unethical as bias was unavoidable (as much as she may have said otherwise).  You two already had a very well developed relationship and I was always "the enemy".  I wanted you to be motivated to find a neutral therapist like I wanted.  I wanted you to try, like I was... to care for me like I did you with tears in my eyes, asking you to stop spending long hours cooking at Walter's, whom you cared for an inappropriate amount, and instead cook at home while we were in therapy and working on fixing us.  If you knew in your heart we were doomed regardless like you said in the end however, for me to be drug through therapy to reach the same conclusion, I'm not sure anything done differently would have mattered.  

You said you still care about me and my well-being, although I don't feel that could be further from the truth.  During our divorce you asked me what would make me happy -- I told you point blank "money", as in, to keep a little more of the money I earned for us over the years.  You've said "I don't care about money or stuff" a couple times -- you've said that you appreciate all of my financial support, yet when it came time to express any appreciation you didn't budge at all; you took every cent you legally could, and you didn't pay me a single dollar for my 49% stake, branding and 6 years of support of your business.  This was my reason for reacting and keeping as much value in your remaining belongings as I could, which was allowed under the same law that you leveraged against me to the fullest.  Yet still, I reversed that decision a couple weeks later as to make good and make you happy, by giving you everything you were requesting.  Even after I found out you had $2,000 of my post-divorce income that was deposited into our old account by mistake, I chose to still do the right thing and give you the $600 gun that was 100% legally mine in good faith that you also would do the right thing and pay me back my rightful earnings.  My attempts to reconcile with you these last couple months have been to be rid of the tension and anger that have plagued our split.  We both feel like we've wronged each other.  I wanted one last conversation with you to pay tribute and say goodbye to our time together; a third of our lives, to ensure that all of our good memories aren't forever spoiled.

While we both don't believe in "soul mates," you were one of mine.  I felt we made a great team and got along so well to include our families.  You were my best friend.  I appreciate all you did for me over the years -- your kindness, cooking, laundry, cleaning etc.  Wanting the best diet for my destined alzheimers.  Countless laughs, nicknames shouted and gourmet high-five meals. For being a good daughter-in-law.  For finding my long lost sister.  For loving me until you didn't. 

Thank you for all of the good times, and I wish you all the happiness in your future.